this isn’t technically ocd related but i need to vent.
i’m so tired of seeking external validation. it’s where my social anxiety and ocd stem from, usually the fear of being neglected.
i’m a perfectionist and an overachiever and i seek my parents validation specifically. as i’ve gotten older i’ve realized that feeding on that (getting perfect grades, doing everything to please them) has had a negative impact on me.
i did the dishes for my mom, cleaned off the table, i just was outwardly nice tonight because she was angry. i was trying
to lighten her mood and she didn’t even slightly acknowledge what i was doing.
it seems stupid because i’ve been “feeding” on that validation and when i don’t get it i shut down. it’s a really shocking realization.
i honestly don’t know who i am. i’ve lost all of my friends over the past year and i don’t have anyone to turn to besides a few acquaintances who don’t really understand me. i’m afraid to be vulnerable with them too.
i feel stuck at home, not being able to build my own self esteem. it looks great from the outside, but my parents and siblings (and i, guilty of it until i realized how terrible it is) judge people constantly. we’ll have entire dinner conversations about other people and basically insulting them.
this is kind of when i realized how if we are that critical of other people, how much of that same criticism have i ignored towards me? i’ve also noticed every time i get defensive they always say “i’m just teasing”, as if i just can’t take a joke when i’m being insulted?
my parents give unconditional love but yet i still feel the need to be perfect. they let me make my own decisions. they’re outwardly loving and compassionate towards me. i know they love me.
i don’t know why i’m fixated on controlling their moods when they get upset or angry. i also feel like i’m being unfair to them because they’ve provided so much for me and my few grievances with them don’t amount to what they’ve done for me.
i can’t talk about this with anyone because my mom cancelled my next therapy session - with a therapist i’ve been seeing for a year who seems to not be equipped for ocd. i’ve mostly done talk therapy and i’m now aware that’s harmful, right? we’re trying to find a new one but i don’t know if i can make it much longer before i lose my mind.
i don’t think it’s intentional but i can’t seem to connect the dots - how can i grow up with a solid home life and still have so many issues growing up? like am i just that unaware?
when they ask me if i’m mad i feel like i can’t be honest. i don’t know why. i feel like they sometimes seem to downplay it or talk their way around it. they even apologize but i still feel stupid for taking up space, having needs, or not being the perfect child.
it doesn’t make sense to me and i’m freaking out. has anyone else had an experience like this?