this isn’t technically ocd related but i need to vent. i’m so tired of seeking external validation. it’s where my social anxiety and ocd stem from, usually the fear of being neglected. i’m a perfectionist and an overachiever and i seek my parents validation specifically. as i’ve gotten older i’ve realized that feeding on that (getting perfect grades, doing everything to please them) has had a negative impact on me. i did the dishes for my mom, cleaned off the table, i just was outwardly nice tonight because she was angry. i was trying to lighten her mood and she didn’t even slightly acknowledge what i was doing. it seems stupid because i’ve been “feeding” on that validation and when i don’t get it i shut down. it’s a really shocking realization. i honestly don’t know who i am. i’ve lost all of my friends over the past year and i don’t have anyone to turn to besides a few acquaintances who don’t really understand me. i’m afraid to be vulnerable with them too. i feel stuck at home, not being able to build my own self esteem. it looks great from the outside, but my parents and siblings (and i, guilty of it until i realized how terrible it is) judge people constantly. we’ll have entire dinner conversations about other people and basically insulting them. this is kind of when i realized how if we are that critical of other people, how much of that same criticism have i ignored towards me? i’ve also noticed every time i get defensive they always say “i’m just teasing”, as if i just can’t take a joke when i’m being insulted? my parents give unconditional love but yet i still feel the need to be perfect. they let me make my own decisions. they’re outwardly loving and compassionate towards me. i know they love me. i don’t know why i’m fixated on controlling their moods when they get upset or angry. i also feel like i’m being unfair to them because they’ve provided so much for me and my few grievances with them don’t amount to what they’ve done for me. i can’t talk about this with anyone because my mom cancelled my next therapy session - with a therapist i’ve been seeing for a year who seems to not be equipped for ocd. i’ve mostly done talk therapy and i’m now aware that’s harmful, right? we’re trying to find a new one but i don’t know if i can make it much longer before i lose my mind. i don’t think it’s intentional but i can’t seem to connect the dots - how can i grow up with a solid home life and still have so many issues growing up? like am i just that unaware? when they ask me if i’m mad i feel like i can’t be honest. i don’t know why. i feel like they sometimes seem to downplay it or talk their way around it. they even apologize but i still feel stupid for taking up space, having needs, or not being the perfect child. it doesn’t make sense to me and i’m freaking out. has anyone else had an experience like this?

i’ve unfortunately fallen into the cycle of trying to figure out my thoughts and find answers as to why i feel so distressed. this still pertains to the situation regarding changing my room for those reading who have seen my multiple posts over the last few days. i’ve been so distressed and in so much panic about it. i’m also panicking over my other room looking so different from when i left it. it’s been making me feel crazy because to me there’s no reason for my anxiety to latch so hard onto something that seems so minuscule. i was thinking i was having anxiety over change, but it’s like symptoms of ocd too that’s making it really hard for me to let go. SO i started thinking maybe it was perfectionism ocd? i’ve realized over time that i do compulsions to where things have to feel “just right”, but i also do that with any environment i’m in. like it HAS to feel cozy to me and provide me comfort in order for me to feel at ease. and this change is causing me to panic because there’s something wrong that i can’t find an answer to. maybe the different colored carpet? but it’s also more than that it feels like. however, now it’s spreading into other areas of my house where i’ve always been fine in and possibly to just any area i’m in at all. hence why it’s making me feel crazy because there’s no reason for me to be THIS distressed over that as i’ve never really had this problem before. and when i did it would last maybe an hour to a couple of days at most, but this has been going for over 2 weeks with my really bad anxiety being this week. i’m doing a little better, but it’s still hard when i can feel that panic waiting for me to acknowledge and just engulf me in the ocd cycle. i’m also analyzing basically any feeling i have so i just feel off in general and like i’m going insane. i’ve been so hyper focused on how i feel and that will send me spiraling too. multiple themes then start coming in like existential ocd and fear of solipsism. not to mention my harm and contamination ocd that just adds on when i’m this vulnerable. then i worry if no one is real, then no one feels the way i do. or just in general that what if no one feels the way i do. honestly, i think being out of college and in my house with nothing to do is causing me too much time with my thoughts. which is why i’m so distressed about everything that pops into my brain.

I apologize I post here a lot lol. I have a few questions/I want to vent about this. My therapist and I have identified one of the triggers I’ve been trying to work on, which is my fear of never being good enough; for myself, my family, my friends, for my romantic relationships, and just in general. Honestly, I hate myself so much. Not for any reason in particular, but I overanalyze everything I do and let it consume me. I know this is normal for most people, and everyone goes through bouts of self depreciation and lack of self love. I’m trying to give my love to myself that I’ve always given to other people and it’s so difficult. It’s really funny, I need male validation even though I feel like I can never trust a man ever again. I was broken up with at the beginning of April, and so you can imagine how my self worth really has been feeling. I’m aware my self worth isn’t based on other people’s perception of me, but I just want to be loved consistently through my ocd and adhd. It feels like it’s too much for people, while I simultaneously feel like I’m making this a massive deal. I don’t want to get into another relationship ever again, I just think I’m too weird for most men or they’ll take advantage of me for something again. I think if a man is nice to me, it means there’s an ulterior motive or a catch. There’s genuinely no way someone even cares as much about me as I do them, it’s always one sided. I love my friends, I’m taking about relationships wise. Not to mention, I hate the way I look and act. When I think I’m somewhat decent looking, there’s always a post to pop up with this stunningly beautiful girl. I can never catch up with modern beauty standards. I hate this so so so much. I hate feeling this way, how do I make this all stop?

Having ocd is so incredibly exhausting and depressing- my mom and dad argued with me for over an hour talking about how im a pain to be around, go in too many loops, and ruin everything and everyones mood… this conversation started with me saying im stressed out because of school and that i dont want to go because im exhausted- and idk if this is like ocd directly but it takes me like 2 hours to get ready in the morning because i need to look PERFECT and the same everyday literally 😭 and that process feels so exhausting every morning at 6am but i will NOT go to school without going through with it- i will literally be crying and shaking and wanting to go home the minute i get to school if even a single strand of my hair is not perfectly straightened or any blemishes or flaws are showing- and i cant even walk to school or anything bc im scared the humidity will mess with my hair and everything- and it just really affects my life? And yeah its freaking exhausting. And i have two more years of highschool and I dont know if im going to make it 😭i get super stressed over grades too because i need them to be extraordinary otherwise its a fail. Nothing below 95%. And thats also tiring! 😁 and my mom told me today “medication IS NOTTTT AND OPTION!!!” Like oh okay so im just cooked 😭 and therapy isnt really helping me at all- i feel like what im being told is so basic and generic and it doesn’t help me when im in a huge ocd episode- which is often… and what i hate most is like my mom says “don’t come to me with your problems after 6pm…” im sorry i cant schedule my feelings 😭 im so tired