Hello friend! Reminder to take a deeeeeeeep breath. I have been where you are, and it’s freaking terrifying. You can make it through this moment.
I’m just afraid I’m toxic that I bring the worst out in us . I think what if I’m just dependeant on him to be happy , but I also overthink when he’s around but I feel so mcuh better when he’s around he makes me feel whole and happy then when he leaves to go home I feel so in my head because I’m just sitting in my bed thinking and in loops
@lexi1347 You are not toxic. You do have OCD, which can make you overthink, overanalyze, overreact.. it’s the worst! What was helpful for me when I was in a low place was learning about ROCD from the Awaken Into Love YouTube channel. Your OCD thoughts and fears are so common (I had exactly the same ones). You can get through this.
@LSea2021 I overthink when he’s away but then I calm down but then I overthink even more when he’s around I don’t wanna believe he’s my trigger I’m just freaking out what if he is and we have to break up
@LSea2021 But then I think I’m my own trigger if I put in my head he’s my trigger then I’ll believe that . But at times he calms me down and reassured me and it makes me feel better I just hate to overthink when he’s around “do I love him really “ “do I not “ but I don’t want him to be a trigger I’ll be so hurt and worried and I don’t wanna have to break up with him because he’s “mg trigger “
@LSea2021 How would I even know if he’s my “trigger “ but I don’t wanna think it believe he is .. that would kill my soul and heart
@lexi1347 He may be your trigger, but that is only because your OCD is focused on him because you care about him. I’d bet that you don’t want to leave him, but you do want your anxiety to let up. Been there! We can’t run away from anxiety, we have to face it (which is what ERP is for).
@LSea2021 He just can’t be my trigger because would that mean I would only be triggered when I’m with him and I overthink and analyze when he’s gone . I don’t want him to be the trigger I don’t wanna leave him I just feel like I’m gonna spite again because hearing that scares me to think he’s the trigger to all my overthinking hurts so much
@LSea2021 It kills my soul to even think he’s the trigger or problem . I don’t wanna leave him . He told me we can get through this togeteht . He said if he was my trigger I’d only be triggered with him but I fele it with and without him . He just can’t be the problem my therapist said if he’s my trigger it’s best to let him go to be better and I can’t I can’t do that . I cannot let him go it’s been a year and I just can’t let him go . I love him and I care so much .
@LSea2021 It’s just can’t be because of him they would hurt me so much because that means I’d have to leave and I’d only feel better without him but I don’t wanna lose him or what we have . It hurts to think about I’m crying about thinking about he’s my “trigger”
@lexi1347 I’m so sorry you’re hurting. Let me speak from my own experience: I have the most wonderful fiancé, but when we bought a house earlier this year I developed severe ROCD. I was so scared all the time and desperate to understand why. I thought I didn’t feel the right way or that he was somehow not enough for me…even though I was happy and did not want to leave!! Seeing him and being with him WAS a trigger, bc he is what I care about and losing him is what I fear. Just because my OCD latched on to him didn’t make him bad, or our relationship bad. It simply meant my brain was afraid (for whatever reason) and it focused on him.
@LSea2021 It sucks because I didn’t want to believe it was him who triggered me because it makes me feel like I have to leave . It makes me feel the only way I’ll be okay is because I’ll leave him and not have these thoughts . But I don’t want to . He promised me we could be better and we could work on it togeteht and not to give up . He said it would hurt him a lot if it’s was him because he thinks I’ll leave as well
I don’t wanna be dependent on him emotionally and make it a bad relationship all I want is a good relationship I want a happy and healthy and he said we can work on it doenst give it he said please don’t leave him it will only make me sadder which it will because it has before we broke up before but he gave me time to work on myself and here I am in a loop hole
Hold on. Being dependent on each other emotionally doesn’t make a relationship bad. Now when if it’s to the point where you can’t mentally or physically function without him around then yeah that’s bad. But a healthy relationship does include two people leaning into each other for support and that includes emotionally too. There’s nothing wrong with that
@Bookworm91 I can function without him I just feel sadder or notice I’m in my head more when I’m not without him
@lexi1347 But that’s not bad I just is human. As long as you can function then yeah you’re fine of course when you’re with someone and you really love them you gonna be a little more sad or a little less vibrant when they’re not around but that doesn’t mean it’s an unhealthy relationship
@Bookworm91 ** it’s just human
@Bookworm91 I have break downs when he leaves soemtimes I tend to not overthink as much when he’s around but I also think the reason I have break downs when I’m alone is because I’m not doing something or distracted by him and I’m just in my head and just constantly overwhelmed by the rocd thoughts
@Bookworm91 What do u mean not functional without hem
@lexi1347 Huh? I said as long as you can function then yeah you’re fine
@Bookworm91 I’m saying what do u mean when it means to not be functional without them
@lexi1347 Oh uh. Well if you can’t function without them, as in practically bed bound, then the natural codependence of a healthy relationship has morphed into unhealthy dependence and you should probably talk to a shrink