[Vent] Feeling very tired… I have a bit of a mixed bag of themes that like to tag in and out of my mind if not tangling with each other. I’ve been dealing with it for about 3 years now and it’s effected me to varying degrees that whole time. In the beginning especially, or with the surfacing of a new theme it would be so distressing to me. I’ve been to very dark places a few times over the years, hanging on by just about a thread more than once.
Right now I’m thankfully doing better, but am also feeling concerned with this sort of… I guess “emotional blunting” with the biggest themes I have; especially in regards to my more taboo themes.
Logistically, I know I’m just exhausted and drained from all the stress in regards to OCD and micromanaging my own behavior and thoughts almost every waking moment of my life. Probably also just desensitized to being so disturbed and scared after feeling that way just about everyday all day for 3 solid years. But god, it still it getting to me. I can still feel it even though it feels buried under this numbness.
I’m aware of this feeling, though OCD continues to do what it does best, I suppose. It tells me I feel this way because I want to, that I’m a bad person, that I wouldn’t preform my compulsions of it wasn’t real, that I don’t have OCD, that I don’t or no longer belong in these spaces because this time it’s different, that OCD has just been my cop out all this time, That people have suffered for way longer and still get super anxious with their themes (this is an awful one.) or that I have desires and urges that I don’t really want or have. And it’s using my inability, or better yet, my exhaustion of emotion or willingness to fight back as much against me as it’s proof.
I think something that fuels this is people always talk about how anxious they feel and how OCD leaves them in such a state of high alert and darkness. We’ve all been there, I think that’s pretty much the whole point of OCD lol and it is truly awful. But I also rarely, if ever, see anyone talk about if they eventually hit this wall of just feeling almost nothing… they don’t have it in them to fight back this time, they can’t seem to get a rise out of themselves as strong as one before, or apparently can’t seem to feel as guilty as they did once before. But it feels involuntary, like you just don’t have the fire in you to do it anymore. Like you have given up and OCD won and you are what you are and you’re not sure how to feel or what to do anymore. It hurts and you hate it so much but you also feel like a beaten horse and you just have to deal with it now. You still have all the symptoms and compulsions as you did before but it feels mindless and you don’t know if you can even call it what it actually is as being OCD anymore.
idk I just kinda wanted to write out my recent feelings in hopes someone might relate to it. I’m worried that I may have lost (whatever that means) or maybe my OCD was all a lie this whole time or at least this time, even though I know that’s a common fear. Maybe this was partially written as trying for reassurance that this has been OCD all along, all this time and I’m just sitting at a low point but I’d also hope that since this doesn’t seem to be talked about much, maybe someone else can read it too and know they’re not alone either.
Hope everyone is well 💜
