tw for self harm i want to stab myself so bad for what i almost did but i don’t want to scare my mom this is all my fault

thank you so much, i basically explained everything in the other comments

@saltedcrabs Are you having trouble over false memory? Kind of like I think I hurt him but can’t remember? Or are you just anxious over the intrusive urges

@Anonymous both

@saltedcrabs That’s difficult I know how you feel, I have a false memory about my cat that has just progressively gotten worse over the months. The more you analyze it and try to think back you are creating a neurological pathway in your mind strengthening the feeling of it being real, that’s at least from my experience. I honestly don’t have a lot of advice of how to deal with it, all I can say is that’s it’s very common and a lot of ocd sufferers deal with guilt around false memory

@Anonymous oh my god that’s crazyyy 😭😭😭 okay i’m definitely gonna try to not ruminate anymore then thank you so much i had no idea

@saltedcrabs Yes it’s awful, I went from thinking did this happen to I carry guilt around every day because of it and have considered giving my cat away, for your own sake try to stop the ruminating, I know it’s hard but you can do it

i was super close to hurting my brother and i genuinely can’t remember or not if i did try to hurt him and missed or i didn’t attempt to at all

@saltedcrabs I’m pretty sure you’re just having a really bad OCD spike and nothing happened. Wouldn’t your brother rat you out if you tried to hurt him? And even if you didn’t you can’t hide everything from your mom. Some things would slip through. If you were a genuine threat to your siblings she’d have done some or said something by now

@Bookworm91 my brothers little and non verbal so he wouldn’t know + i know that but what if i just snap one day?? i don’t want to hurt anyone but i feel so numb all the time and sometimes i catch myself doing things that conflict with my values. i’m definitely trying my best to be better but what if it’s too late

@saltedcrabs Have you tried talking to your mom about it? Everyone has the potential of snapping it’s not just you

@saltedcrabs Have you actually felt a desire to hurt your brother or are you just scared that you will lose control and hurt him or that you secretly want to?

@Riven honestly a little bit of everything :( i’ve got intrusive urges to hurt him before but i don’t want to though at the same time i have done self destructive behavior before just because but after all this i’m definitely going to try my best to change

@saltedcrabs OCD has the ability to produce "urges" that you don't actually want. However, I recommend you talk to someone about this because this sounds very scary. Perhaps explain to your mom what OCD is first and maybe direct her to online resources about it before going into the details of your situation.

@Riven she actually knows about all this actually!! she’s been with me for years on my ocd journey but she doesn’t fully understand this situation in particular, i just had a talk about it with her earlier about it and i don’t think she fully grasps what i’m talking about she keeps blaming everything on my medication :-( which i get can be effecting my mood a bit but at the same time i was lucid enough to understand what was going on

@saltedcrabs every time i talk to her really about something concerning my ocd she thinks my medication is messing with me which isn’t the problem at all

@saltedcrabs I'm sorry, it sucks that she doesn't understand. Do you have a therapist or anyone else in your support system who might understand?

@Riven i have a new therapist but she doesn’t specialize in ocd :( she seems nice but i don’t fully know how understanding she’d be with my situation

@saltedcrabs Hm. Maybe next session ask how familiar she is with OCD? You could also maybe get referred to a specialist if she isn't able to meet your needs?

@Riven oooo true true!! i’ll def ask our next session tysm