There’s too much proof and i don’t even care anymore, all I want is to be happy with my partner both romantically and sexually. I don’t care if he’s my “exception” , if im “forcing” it, if Im only “somewhat attracted”. I don’t care anymore, I choose him, I want to be with him, I don’t want to experiment or be with anyone else ever. He makes me feel happy and whole and he meets all of my needs. Whatever intimacy issues I have have to do with ME, not with him or my attraction to him because he is definitely the most beautiful boy in the world and definitely the only person I want to be in bed with. That’s all I know and that’s all I need to know, screw the rest.

So I don’t feel that physically attracted to my boyfriend but I love him! I wanna be with him I love his heart and who he is. Can this still work you think? Anyone? I already obsess over his looks but I’m afraid about this bc I wanna value who he is over looks period!

So I just had like a huge breakthrough. I often look for a feeling when I’m with him. And when I don’t I freak out mentally and it’s weird it’s hard it figure out why. But I was like doing my exposure and thought you know I choose this. I don’t need to do anything about this feeling I choose to love him on facts not feelings. So this doesn’t have to mean ANYTHING, I choose to love him despite knowing he’s not super conventionally attractive. It’s my choice , “what if I really don’t wanna be though” no it’s a choice that can’t be true if it’s a choice that means I do really want to be with him bc I’m still choosing him. If I didn’t wanna be with him I wouldn’t be with him and have no reason not t be. It’s a choice despite how you feel Evry day.

So I’m getting there I’m almost at recovery. I have to tell myself I don’t know if my boyfriend is attractive enough for me to marry. I have no idea. Maybe he’s not. I have every right reason tk be with him I can name off reasons why I like him and love him more than physical appearance and they outweigh any bad thing or flaw. I also can do this Joe without trying to feel something. Or have a right feeling. I always felt like if I wasn’t that physically attracted it meant I should be with someone else and I don’t wanna be, so I’m taking the reigns and I’m saying yes I care about it this I wanna be with him I know k am for th right reasons I also think the spirit wants me here. God doesn’t value looks over personality. I have a history of prideful ness, and I’m going to take them captive and reflect on his heart in those moments. I’m not hopeless I have faith that God will come through for me. Even if he isn’t God will show me he is in control here even of my heart , he is in control and he will lead me .