My whole entire life I’ve been boy crazy, and I have always always dreamt of having a husband one day and having a family. That’s all I want. It’s a dream of mine, and I feel like it’s being ripped away from me. My OCD makes it seem like that’s not who I am, or that I don’t want that anymore. It’s so hard. I just don’t feel like me anymore. I don’t want to be with a girl, it just doesn’t feel like that’s who I am. I don’t want to marry a girl, it’s not what I want. But OCD twists that, why does it feel like I want that sometimes? I hate saying that because I don’t want it. I’m so confused. I don’t want to be with a girl, I want to be happy with my boyfriend. He’s so lovely. I wish these thoughts could go away, I wish I was normal sometimes. I wish I didn’t have OCD! Like a few days ago, I felt confident and I felt okay and I felt hope. And today it just feels like it’s back to square one. I feel hopeless, I’m tired, and I just don’t know! I’m so scared I’m just lying, I’m so scared I’m using OCD as an excuse, I’m so scared that these thoughts are true or will become true I just don’t realize it yet. I’m struggling so hard.

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

Hello, so I’ve been struggling really badly with so-ocd where I am worried that I’m not actually straight when that’s what I’ve always thought and wanted to be. I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 2.5 years now, he’s my first boyfriend and I really love him so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I remember one time, before I had struggles with so-ocd, I had a thought along the lines of ‘what if I’m missing out on other men by staying with him’ and it didn’t really cause any anxiety but I felt quite guilty for thinking that. But I moved on. However, right now I’m in the depths of so-ocd it started back in March I believe, and today I had a thought along the lines of ‘what if I never get the opportunity to try being with a woman because I’m in a relationship with a man’ and that has really set me off today. I’ve had a meltdown over it, my chest feels heavy and it felt so real like I actually wanted it and I had a feeling of wanting to be gay even though that’s not what I want in life. Why is this happening to me and I feel so horrible for thinking this like it felt like it was me and not the ocd and that I’m just lying to myself and my boyfriend. I’ve tried scrolling on here to see if anyone has had a similar thought or experience and I am aware that this is reassurance seeking but I just need someone to tell me that I’m okay

Could someone lend me some kind words or make sense of what I might be going through? Any advice or suggestions is greatly appreciated Almost over a year now I had a nightmare or a dream which I saw me marrying another woman. I didn’t see her face,I didn’t know her name. It was the back of our heads during the dream. When I woke up; I was dumbfounded and I cannot explain how mortified and guilty I felt I spent up till now still ongoing - I’m struggling still for well over a year now. I have gone through multiple different emotions. That day it was almost like an epiphany but it wasn’t because I’ve been bi since about 14/15 years old, I have still chosen to sway towards men because I find them more attractive and that is who I want to be with eventually, a man. I remember that morning after waking up from the dream I was absolutely hysterical in the bathroom crying because I was just shocked like did this mean anything? did my preference change what does this mean for my relationship now? the overwhelming guilt and sadness and what is happening all at the same time just formed a massive spiral in my head and I can Still remember how this makes me feel. I have still hid this up until now from my partner because I’m worried how he will react if there is any big pieces of uncertainty like this were to come to him. I have constantly; almost every day gone through past experiences and if my previous experiences sexually being with women meant anything - making me questioning my whole identity questioning if my current relationship was just a lie ?it is tiring. It has worn me down to the bone and I feel emotionally exhausted and numb and I don’t know how to get out of it. I have tirelessly looked for answers within myself because I don’t want to burden anyone I know with my dilemma. I am no closer to finding an answer, it’s a constant spiral or circle - it’s ‘I’m happy’ to ‘I’m questioning’ to finding my ‘ answer’ then to getting temporary relief and then on repeat every single day. It’s not only now- it’s me reflecting on my whole life and trying to look for answers trying to piece the puzzle together but becoming no closer to the clarity or assurance I need and I just don’t know what to do. I’m not sure at this stage if it’s reality or if it’s OCD or just intrusive thoughts. I’ve been researching denial versus OCD and comparing those results to mine almost every single day. It’s been almost a year and I feel guilty because I feel like I’m a fraud. I feel like I can’t indulge in my own relationship and deepdown I know I still love him. I just don’t know how to reach it. looking at photos and cards that we’ve sent to one another makes me emotional because I remember how he made me feel and it’s of no fault with his own and it’s changed. I’ve been grieving a loss of losing my own partner for months now and he’s still here with me. I’m grieving about a relationship I’m still in but I’m grieving because my feelings have changed and I don’t know why. I miss being happy and love and not ever second thinking of future together. Every day I face the same emotional and mental torment of unsureness and uncertainty and the absolute urgency to figure it out right now but not ever coming to an answer that sticks. I have jumps between this obsession but also do I love him do I love him? Not do I want to be with him? Do I not want to be with him? Is he my person or is he not?