Today was bad. I have a headache and I’m lightheaded. I feel bad because it’s my brothers birthday but I just feel so awful from ruminating 😭 I know it’s in my head but the sick feelings still there. Maybe I got COVID 😔 (I don’t but that would be funny)

Hi everyone! I just want to share that I’m having a really hard day, selfishly, to feel better. But some of you might relate to it. I’ve been obsessing about my looks and body image. I feel soo ugly, like almost deformed, “abnormal, ill” looking. Like I have never seen anyone that looked as ugly as me. And I spend hours checking myself and doing skincare and using face sculpting tools compulsively. I also feel VERY very alone partially due to this being isolating but also just being back at my (abusive) parents home for the summer. I feel very empty today like nothing makes me excited or matters. I feel like a disgusting, awkward, incapable, undeserving little creature. Like everybody else on this world is in a group chat,and im the only one left out lol. I went shopping today to feel something and ended up compulsively buying stuff and shocker, now im feeling 10x worse, more empty. But I am also stressed about the money and feel extremely guilty. I feel worthless. I guess i should just let me feel the emptiness and feelings that come up without trying to distract myself with something all the time. So yeah thats where I’m at today.

So my ocd has been doing better, in the sense that I am able to resist compulsions, but the thoughts are still there. And I get so upset because some days I’m just constantly stuck in my own head. Like I went out to today with my mom, and for a solid hour I was spiraling. And my OCD has been trying to make it seem like this flare up is different, and that because things aren’t working out the way I want them to be regarding my recovery, that it’s not OCD and I’m just a crazy person. It causes me to just shut down and want to just go home. I get so upset that I want to cry. I get intrusive thoughts that something bad is gonna happen, or that something doesn’t feel right, and so it feels like I do something, anything, to make me feel better about it. I also can’t sleep in my own bed. I’m so afraid that I won’t fall asleep in it, and if I don’t sleep, I will go crazy. My thoughts are just so scary rn, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want anything bad to happen to me :(

rant. covid statistics CW my partner went out to eat at a small restaurant for a friend’s birthday even tho we’ve talked about covid consciousness before and he agreed to mask again at the grocery store and stuff and i wanted to tell him that the new statistic was 1 in 19 people have covid in texas rn but i felt like it was a compulsion so i didn’t and i just told him im scared and that i would have gone to the dinner but masked and gotten my food to go if it were me… now i feel like i can’t go see him like i normally would on Monday cause it would be too soon if he was exposed. there were definitely at least 20 people in that restaurant. he tells me he understands how important it is to me but… and i opened instagram literally for a minute and immediately saw the most upsetting video compilation of people on tiktok posting about getting covid like it was a trend and how “embarrassing” it was and i just. UGH !!! WEAR A MASK THEN