Literally such bullshit. These thoughts make me feel absolutely terrible and I feel so alone because I’m too ashamed to share them with my loved ones. I know I am straight and want to be straight, but my mind keeps telling me I have to be and always have been gay. I can’t keep living like this. How did I go so many years without these thoughts/being able to easily dismiss them without freaking out. I now feel like they are so real and that I am just gay and need to admit it to everyone around me. I don’t want to live a gay life, so why do I feel like I am something that I don’t want to be? Why don’t I just get to choose my destiny. I’m so scared that I am too far gone and am just going to come out as gay and that will be it. I can’t live with that though.

celis_karoline

17d ago

You were never meant to be gay to begin with. That’s how I would answer to someone if they ask a question how to deal with not living a gay life, and affect your life in a way it’s negative.

cf05

17d ago

I’m sorry what do you mean? Like if I was gay I would not dread living a gay life?

celis_karoline

17d ago

@cf05 Yes that’s what I meant.

cf05

17d ago

@celis_karoline Thank you. As much as I hate to acknowledge that reassurance helps, it does. I have gotten so in my head that I have no idea what is real anymore and it makes it so difficult to remember that this wouldn’t feel so wrong if it was what I truly wanted and would be happy with. The hardest thing for me is that I have had these thoughts in the past and now that they feel so strong it feels like they absolutely have to be real.

cf05

17d ago

@celis_karoline Like why would the thoughts come back if they weren’t true/I didn’t want them? I am just terrified that they could be true and that everything in my life will change. I don’t want anything to change and I don’t want to live my life as a gay person.

celis_karoline

17d ago

@cf05 You welcome and know that you’re not alone. There are people out there who feel the same as you, and went through the same experience.

masonBlizz

17d ago

Hey man listen, I feel exactly what you’re going through. I feel it so much to the point that it feels like my story. Know that you’re not alone. Just try to not look for reassurance. Accept the thoughts and realize they do not control who you are

cf05

17d ago

Thank you very much. It’s just hard because I feel like all signs are pointing to me being gay even though I have only real relationship experiences with men and have only ever been in love with men. I’m just so scared that it isn’t OCD and that, because unlike other people I’ve seen on the app who have never felt any type of attraction to the same sex (which I feel like I have just in the physical sense not in the sense where I want a romantic relationship with another woman) I feel like I must be the exception and am just using OCD as the last chance to cling to my heterosexuality.

masonBlizz

17d ago

And who you want to be

masonBlizz

17d ago

So sorry I said man. It doesn’t matter your gender. It is still the same thing I feel. I have only ever been in relationships with women too. But ocd wants you to forget that. It wants you to look for reassurance that you’re not gay. Mock the ocd. Make it realize that you’re bigger than it

masonBlizz

17d ago

I even have a girlfriend and struggle with this same thing you so

masonBlizz

17d ago

masonBlizz

17d ago

This is just what I’ve learned outside of this app. I am in your shoes and struggling as well. I scheduled a call with nocd for tomorrow morning

cf05

17d ago

I appreciate all of your help. Everything just feels like a trigger now like I’m at a new college and can’t even make friends because I fear that I will be attracted to them. On top of that, I fear that I am no longer attracted to men and that I have been gay for a long time and just haven’t admitted it, even though I really desperately want these thoughts to go away and if I could do something to make them leave for food I would.

cf05

17d ago

For good**