Thread
cf05
16d ago
  • Sexual Orientation OCD

Anyone else with SOOCD/TOCD starting to feel like these thoughts are just them finally realizing/coming to terms with their true sexuality. I don’t want to be gay but based on everything I am feeling and the constant anxiety I feel around women and all of the memories of possible attraction to women that I’ve felt in the past and the inability to feel attractive to the men around me, I feel like I must be a lesbian. I have always identified as a straight female despite having these thoughts periodically throughout my life because they were never something I would actually act on, but now I feel as though my mind is telling me that I will act on them and that I am just going through changes that are making me realize I am actually a lesbian. I do not want to be gay at all. I want to feel how I felt last year and all the times before when I had crushes on guys and was happy in my past two relationships with men that I loved. I can’t do this, I feel like I am lying to myself and to everyone and my thoughts don’t even feel like OCD anymore. It just feels like I know I am gay because that’s the only thing that makes sense. How will I ever continue to live a straight life with these thoughts.

linds💕
16d ago
I feel like I’m lying to everyone too. I recently saw a post saying “if you have a thought you don’t want to be having, that’s uncomfortable or disturbing, that’s your OCD. And if your brain tells you that it’s not your OCD and you want to be having the thought, it’s still your OCD” I found it very helpful. When I have these intrusive thoughts, images, feelings, urges, my mind tricks me into thinking I actually want them. But I don’t. And even then I’m still doubting. OCD is never satisfied, it will continue to doubt your doubts over and over again. It’s a cycle, a never ending cycle if you continue to feed it. OCD is so distressing, it is really difficult to deal with. My thoughts are on my mind from the second I wake up to the second I fall asleep. And now they’re creeping into my dreams. Also, I’m not a professional, I’m just a fellow sufferers, talking from research and experience.
cf05
16d ago
That all makes sense, thank you. I have been losing so much sleep over these thoughts and my OCD is essentially telling me that I’m screwed either way because I will never come back from these thoughts if I am straight and if I’m not I will never want to live life as a lesbian. I just want these thoughts to go away so I feel like myself again because I don’t even recognize myself when I look in the mirror anymore. The longer I have these thoughts, the more I start to realize that I probably am just gay and unwilling to accept it because it goes against my values. I don’t want to be gay but I’m afraid that I have no choice or control over it anymore. I’m so terrified because I cannot and will not live life if these thoughts are real.
linds💕
16d ago
@cf05 I understand that. I relate so much. I fear that I just need to “accept” it, even though it isn’t something that I want or desire, and my mind likes to make me feel like I do want it. Do you follow any Instagram accounts? One I find really helpful is @soocdsupport , @theobsessivemind They’re both really informative
cf05
16d ago
@linds💕 I do follow them. Thank you for the recommendation. If you don’t mind me asking, do you ever feel like “sitting with the uncertainty” doesn’t apply to you because you don’t feel uncertain about the thoughts? Like they feel so real I the more I think about it the more it just seems like I have been denying it for years, even though I also have experiences that logically should “prove” that they are not true. I have been happy with men like I said but for some reason feel like I won’t be able to ever have that again and it’s like my mind is made up. I don’t really know how that could be true considering the fact that I have only been with men, so it’s not like I’m incapable of being happy with a man, it just feels like I am gay 100% and that I want to be, even though I’ve mentioned how I literally am physically ill over the idea of having to accept that. It just feels different for me because when I try to sit with the thoughts and not ruminate/do any compulsions, my mind tells me that the thoughts aren’t uncertain and that the way I’m feeling is just my true sexuality coming to light. I feel like if I was truly gay I would be proud to say it, but the idea of coming out is horrible to me. I just wish I didn’t ever have the thought of “am I even attracted to men anymore?” because even when I would have thoughts of being gay in the past, I was always able to dismiss them because I was so obviously attracted to men. Now everything just feels forced.
linds💕
16d ago
@cf05 I relate to that 100%, I just get scared I’m in denial even tho I’m obsessing over this. Sometimes it feels 100% real, and sometimes it doesn’t. ://
jordyng09
16d ago
What kind of feelings would you get? Dealing with same thing here:/
Imaan7
16d ago
Yes all the time the only differene bw you and me is that I no longer wish to go back to who I used to be etc because I believe I was just always gay/trans and never noticed it and now its coming out