TW VENT I am so upset that my obvious mental illness went unnoticed as a child. I would wash my hands until they literally bled. Same with my lips. For a year I wouldn’t swallow my own saliva bc I believed it was “ germy “ it’s so upsetting that just I’m just now realizing the neglect they put me through, and everything they turned a blind eye to. I was an only child, alone with mother.I had extreme attachment issues. She would leave me alone the entire day with the tv on, and spend nights with her boyfriend. Often leaving me alone with my drunk or high father. I’m only realizing now how much my childhood is too blame for shit...Ik this isn’t really a place to vent but I just needed to rn.

I’m kind of frustrated because for YEARS I’ve been trying to express my concerns. For about 6-7 years I’ve been concerned about having OCD. I’m not diagnosed and I want to talk to a professional to confirm whether or not I have it. I have been struggling with several symptoms over many years of my life and it has been absolutely distressing. I’ve expressed my concerns to two doctors. One of them pretended like they didn’t hear me and the other did give me scenarios that I experience. When I said yes to the ones that applied to me, she said “well it’s very normal for people to wash their hands a lot and check door locks” well yeah but what I experience is so much more than that and it’s been absolutely horrendous. I have super bad compulsions and intrusive thoughts, at some point I broke a TV because I felt like I had to throw these little coasters at it for 5 times. And then after those 5 times, the way I threw it didn’t feel right, so I had to do it again and again until it felt right and then it broke :/ The doctor later told me that they can recommend me to professionals but my mom didn’t want me to because of fear that I can get medicated. But I just want to talk to a professional to be able to express my concerns about it. I also feel bad about talking about what I experience because I don’t want people to think that I’m trying to self diagnose myself. I just want to be able to recognize my struggles and try to overcome what I go through. All I want is help. At some point I went to therapy and I had three sessions and then my mom pulled me out. But in those sessions I haven’t talked about my struggles with OCD yet, I was talking about other issues and my therapist was still trying to get to know me. :( Sometimes when I’ve talked to my parents they don’t really try to listen. Sometimes they tell me “well everyone has a little bit of OCD”. Okay, well I’m not talking about everyone, I’m talking about ME. And back when I struggled so much with violent intrusive thoughts, it was also a time where I felt like I HAD to tell my parents about every thought that I had. And my parents were concerned and thought that I was just in general violent. But I’m not violent, I don’t believe these things. And they STILL don’t want to hear me out on my concerns after all of that. I just want to feel validated with what I go through. I am convinced that I struggle with OCD, but I want to be SURE. I don’t want to feel like I’m self diagnosing. I want to KNOW what I’ve been experiencing all these years. I really do like this app because I feel like I finally relate to other people and that I can REALLY talk about my struggles while being understood. Whether or not if I do have it, I feel really understood and I really understand and relate with others. But anyways I hope I can figure this whole thing out one day😓🙏

This is about OCD but also I just want to rant, I feel very lonely at times. My dad died when I was very young & as the oldest daughter I feel like I’ve had to be strong my entire life. My friends & family love and support me but for some reason I’ve never felt comfortable being vulnerable or discussing my feelings. Everyone tells me I’m the person they go to for advice/support but I have never once opened up to anyone, it almost feels impossible to do so. I mask so well that none of my friends or family know I struggle. No one has ever seen me cry. Also, as a college student with a small group of friends who go out of state, I don’t have many friends in my area so that contributes to feeling isolated. I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, anxiety, & ADHD. As long as I can remember I’ve felt like a bad person and undeserving of love unless i prove myself by being good or useful. I try to keep myself working, volunteering & double majoring in school to feel worthy of love. I genuinely do love life & am so thankful because I feel very blessed. I have good friends & family. But I also feel isolated. (Ik I isolate myself but at the same time I don’t know how to stop). Anyways back in December I broke up with my bf who I had dated for yearsss. He really violated my trust & cheated on me after making me feel crazy for so long & swearing he would never betray me again. It hurt deeply. But ofc I handled it the only way I know how. By being strong. I self isolated. I didn’t tell any of my friends for weeks that we broke up and when I did, I didn’t tell them why (to preserve his image). No one saw how badly it hurt me. To everyone else I seemed fine. I started coping with it in embarrassing ways. I had casual sex with multiple people very quickly that clearly only wanted that from me & didn’t care about me as a person. I am ashamed of this. I’ve stopped meeting new people and decided that’s not the way I want to be and I want to put my energy into healthy outlets. But sometimes in moments of weakness I have had relations with past people (wanting to feel loved & desired & wanted). Anyways my recent theme of OCD has been health + morality related, specifically the fear that I have an STD. I started having some bodily sensations (that i’ve had in the past & aren’t STD related) and started worrying that I may have an STD. When I get health anxiety, I sometimes avoid doctors. I did that for about a month but finally scheduled an appt for Monday. But now the guilt is eating at me and saying “what if you had an STD this whole time & knowingly gave it to others bc you avoided doctors?” That causes me a lot of guilt & shame. I know this is OCD so I’m trying not to ask for reassurance. Sorry that was so long, this is the first time I’ve ranted in a very long time. I just want someone to see me.

Life has been so tough for me lately. I’ve been stuck in an OCD spiral since last December. Most of my fears come from incidentally causing harm to my family or others. I feel like every action is a moral conflict, or that any time I make a bad decision, act out of frustration, or self indulge in anything, I’m debating about whether I’m an awful person who doesn’t care about my kids, my wife, or other people. I’m a stay at home parent currently, and all three of my kids are neurodivergent, with my youngest being on the spectrum. My youngest is nonverbal, so my OCD loves to manipulate that, making it hard to know if my son is happy, sad, upset, etc. Always feeling like I’m worried I’ll make too many mistakes as a parent. That any time I lose my cool, it means I’m just this awful person and parent. I’m burnt out from the stress currently, so I always feel on edge, which makes it harder to have the mental power to resist compulsions. I am in OCD therapy, which has helped. But every time I feel like I’m taking steps in the right direction I get sucked back in. Every time I resist compulsions, I’m triggered almost immediately after. Because I’m a stay at home parent, and a lot of my triggers and themes involve harm to others, particularly my family, it’s just trigger after trigger after trigger. My wife is exhausted from my mental health, which just adds to the guilt I already feel. I hate that my mental health is affecting everyone, and it only reinforces the idea that I’m causing harm or suffering to those around me. I just need a break. I cannot keep living my life this way. This is the worst my OCD has been, and I feel so traumatized from all the days and hours I’ve spent feeling like I’m at my limit. Thanks for reading. Feel free to respond if you can relate. Just needed to vent.