Thread
Ody
15d ago
  • Sexual Orientation OCD

I don't know why but the thoughts now don't bother me they don't get me anxious and am kinda afraid that I was denying all this time and am not anxious either when I have this in mind but when I have thoughts that I don't want I feel a pain on my chest And am not anxious, like I have being trying to solve this problem myself by ignoring the thoughts and don't know how this just didn't bother me anymore does it mean I get better ? Or am I in denial? And 2 days ago I was very sad and even cried and I think that it might helped. The thoughts feel that I like them but I don't my brain uses my defense to attack me. Am confused. My brain also overthinked what male and female are and was like being gay is not bad and answered it might be ok but I don't want too all I want is to have a family. Since I haven't had a girlfriend yet and I am 16 this made it worse. A lot of times also when I say something bad about a woman for example I don't like the type of a girl being a diva, it makes angry this also makes it worse. Am afraid that I might like the thoughts. But don't have the feeling of being afraid but still don't want too. Like I always wanted a family.

Liiiiiiiiiiiaaana
15d ago
Most the time I feel like I’m in denial as well. I’ve always wanted to have a husband and have a family because it just feels like I was born to have it. But there are sometimes when I question myself and quite often have panic attacks to the point where I just don’t care anymore. So I can kinda understand where you’re coming from. Just know that you’re not alone and there are other people the feel the same as you
Ody
15d ago
Thank you :) I hope you get better soon.
cf05
15d ago
I am dealing with this at the moment too. If you don’t mind me asking, have you been able to visualize yourself with a family of your own in the past? Like for me, I identify as a straight female and am having these thoughts now, which I try to calm by remembering what I want in life, which is a husband and children. However, I have always felt as though I am unworthy of that in a sense and that I would never be able to have that, and even if I did, that I would not be a good wife or mother. This thought is so terrifying to me, as I want to be able to have these things in the future, but it just seems so hard for me to picture. This also makes suffering with OCD so much more severe for me because it’s making me question my entire identity and feels like me not being able to visualize myself as a wife and mother is a predictor of something being wrong with my identity.
cf05
15d ago
That question was for you, sorry I forgot to tag!
Liiiiiiiiiiiaaana
15d ago
@cf05 Yes in the past and now I am able to visualise myself as a mother and as a wife and nothing will change that. I know that there are alternatives for being a gay couple but that’s just not what I personally want. I want to be able to conceive a baby that has both the dna of me and a man. Now concerning how you said that you don’t know if you’ll be a good mother, is something I can totally understand because when you look at it I don’t think anyone who is going to become a parent thinks that they will be good at it. For me, I’m scared that I won’t fall in love with a man emotionally and it’s terrifying because I don’t know if I’ll be able to be a mum if I don’t fall in love with a man. And as a result I question my sexuality like you do because I’m scared. But now I think that there’s nothing wrong with being scared and that what thoughts you’re thinking shouldn’t have the power to question yourself because they are just thoughts. What you believe in your heart is what you should stand by. Don’t let thoughts have the influence to sway your heart. Stay true to yourself, if being a mum and wife is what you truly want then stick to it. And tell those thoughts that they don’t belong in your mind and that they have no right to be there.
Liiiiiiiiiiiaaana
15d ago
I hope you get better soon as well :) also did I by chance miss interpret what you said cause I didn’t mean any offense
cf05
15d ago
No I appreciate your response. Not to overshare, but I also have lost my period due to an eating disorder and have not had one since February of last year, which also makes me feel like is some strange “sign” of me being transgender. Like I said, I do not want to become a man, but my mind is almost telling me to do it and trying to bully me into thinking that that is what I want and have always wanted. I also have never had these thoughts before, but they feel so real now because of the fact that I have always worried that I would never me a wife or mother. I don’t know if you can relate to this, but my mind has spent so much time focusing on both my SOOCD and TOCD thoughts that it has tripped up multiple times and made me think that wanting to be with a man makes me gay, even though I am a straight woman and that is what I’ve always wanted. I’m just so terrified at the idea of ever having to change what I am because I do not want that and would hate myself if I did it.
Liiiiiiiiiiiaaana
15d ago
@cf05 Oh boy, I would say I understand you the most, about my brain starting to believe the thoughts I was having. When I first started to have thoughts I was very emotionally unstable so I would think that when someone was nice to me they liked me and I gained “feelings” for them. This happened with my best friend who is a girl, I told her everything that was happening and we would always hang out. Then one day out of the blue my mind thought “hey do I like her” and those thoughts never left me. Everytime I would hang out with her my head would think we were on a date and my heart would beat really fast when she was next to me, which I recently learned was due to anxiety attacks. It honestly took me about a year and a half to convince myself I didn’t like her and I had to do all the extremes like stop talking to her and so on. It was really hard and I hated feeling that way because I knew it wasn’t me. I was never happy when I thought about her only disgusted by what I was thinking about. It was so tiring that a few times I tried to end it all but I didn’t which I’m grateful for. Because I kept thinking I had a crush on her eventually made me believe I did and made me think I was lesbian which I am not. So I would say yeah I totally understand what you’re going through and honestly I think you should talk to someone about it because I didn’t and still don’t feel right about who I am because it had impacted me for so long. I just don’t want another person to go through the amount of stress and pain I went through of the years
Ody
15d ago
@Liiiiiiiiiiiaaana I am also kinda scared when I hang out with my friends. I know I don't like the but since I have this problem when I feel happy or wholesome with someone then it does feel like I like them but I dont it does feel very very real too but I kinda get it out of my head now. Like even when I saw meme someone had today that it had gay sex in it and be because I didn't have any reaction to it it felt like I liked it but I didn't, and then it started again but now am good but I kinda worry that one day it just disappeared , I didn't have stress , I didn't respond to the thoughts they would just exist but even now I still have them but am calm and I don't know if this is good or bad. I may found out hocd very fast or am lucky that I kinda got it out of my head so fast idk ? I have it for 3-4months constantly thinking of it so I don't think that this is denial that just thoughts.
Ody
15d ago
@Liiiiiiiiiiiaaana Sorry for any mistake