To those with SOOCD, Do any of you obsess more about the romantic side of things? I am married to my amazing hubby. But I have questions in my mind like "what if I am bi? What if I could just as easily be with a woman like I can with a man?" I hate these thoughts!

Yes I agree, it feels good to have someone who understands you. I’ve always had social anxiety too, I’ve always been super super shy. I’ve never been able to maintain a good group of friends, and most of my friends have been people who are gay/lesbian/bi so I get scared that that means I am too. I don’t really have many friends, only a couple. And I have an amazing boyfriend, who I feel very lucky to have. Sometimes I feel like I just don’t deserve him and that he’d be happier with someone else and it really scares me. I constantly have intrusive thoughts about dating girls and them check how I’d feel. Most of the time I’m immediately like “no I don’t want it in that way” but sometimes my mind twists that, probably because I’m checking it so much and it makes me feel less confident. It feels really real, and even feels like I want it. Even though I’m fighting so hard to not have it, because that wouldn’t be what I want. I feel lonely today. And I’ve noticed these thoughts get worse when I have to go to work…blah. But it’s so hard. I don’t want to be with women. I don’t want to have that sort of attraction to them. Women are great, and beautiful but I don’t want to be with one and I’m so tired of my mind constantly convincing me that I do. OCD twists everything. So I understand. It makes everything feel so real.

@linds💕 Yes I relate to this. My only fear is that the reason I’ve felt on edge with LGBT people is because I am avoiding being apart of that community if that makes sense. I have no problem with people who do identify in that community, but the thought of that being my destiny and my truth makes me sick. I just don’t know what to do because I feel like I am lying to myself and everyone around me and just pushing off the inevitable—which is me transitioning and coming out as lesbian. I don’t know how these thoughts became so severe, as I used to be able to fully function in daily life and go to sleep at night perfectly fine, but now I can’t even breathe without having rapid heart beat or fall asleep without waking up in the middle of the night thinking that I now have to identify as a man. At my most recent job, my boss was trans from female to male, which I honestly think may have triggered these thoughts because I constantly felt like I was going to become trans if I had too much in common with them. Like why would I have these thoughts if they weren’t real? I don’t have anyone in my life that is gay or trans, so I don’t even know what someone in that community would think if I told them this. I just feel like straight, cisgender people would not feel uncomfortable around LGBT people the way I do, which makes me doubt who I am even more. No, I do not want this, but it’s starting to feel like it’s always been the only option considering the thoughts I have had and am having. I feel so much anxiety and distress and am physically sick every day about this.

I do struggle with this as well. Literally every second of the day is spent worrying that I need to just come out and be gay in order to be happy, even though the thought of doing so brings me so much distress. It’s also been keeping me up at night, which is making it incredibly difficult to function during the day. If you don’t mind me asking, did you have these thoughts before you got married as well? I’m only 19 and have been in two relationships in my life—both with men whom I loved very much. Likewise, I was always not crazy growing up and had crushes on so many guys throughout childhood. However, I think because I have not been in a relationship in a couple of years and have had these thoughts that have become significantly more severe during these periods, they are starting to feel like an indication of me being lesbian. I do not want to be gay, and I envy both of my sisters who are either married or in serious long term relationships with their boyfriends because I feel that I will never have that. I’m just so scared because I feel like I have no sexual attraction to men anymore, even though I so desparately want to be with a man in the future and I’ve never even had a sexual experience with a woman. I just don’t know what to do because all of these thoughts just feel like they are coming together all at once to show that I am gay and always have been and that the only way I’ll ever be with a man is if I fake it. It honestly feels like I wouldn’t even pursue something with a man that approached me now but like that doesn’t make sense because I have always wanted a man to just love me and protect me.

I get that!! I constantly compare myself like in different situations. Would I rather want this with a woman? Blah blah blah. Even tho I don’t (and my mind is just saying that’s a lie). I want to be with men and pursue life with a man, and it feels like I just don’t want that anymore. And it’s so scary

Also, if you don’t mind me asking, have you ever felt a random urge that you are jealous of men for any reason? Like I was out with my friends on vacation earlier this year and all of them were so easily able to get the attention of attractive men, largely by throwing themselves at them, but that has just never been who I am, which scares me that because I feel like I am not sexualizing myself the way that other 19 year old women do because I lack self confidence. While I was on this trip, I had this strange thought of like “wow it must be nice that it’s so easy for guys to find someone to be in a relationship with” even though I identify as a straight female? I am a very logical person so the logical answer to having this thought is me being gay and trans, but the thought of that is absolutely unbearable. I know I would never be accepted, but even more so, I would never accept myself. I feel so alone in these thoughts because I feel too much shame to tell anyone in my life.

@cf05 These thoughts started at age 16 for me. It was because my friend came out to me that she was bi. When she first told me I thought nothing of it. I knew I was straight. But then one day, the thought popped into my mind "what If I'm bi too?" Even though I struggled with the thought, I still was attracted to men. I had a boyfriend in High school who I was very much attracted to. I married my hubby at age 24. This ocd thing has been on and off for me. When it finally leaves, that's when I'm happy and enjoying my marriage and my life. I know how hard this is. It attacks the very thing that means the most to us. I am a Christian and for me the main answer to all of this is Christ. I am back on my meds and going to start erp in a workbook. Love to you all. Stay strong.

I'm a Christian too. And yes I wondered that too about masc lesbians. I'm here to encourage you in your walk with the Lord. What helps me is just trying to keep my focus on him and who I want to be.

Oh thank God I'm not alone! It's like I fear more about being bi than a lesbian. What if I have another side to me? Those kinds of thoughts. How do you deal with this girl?

@ranchdoritos88 Yesss! Like I just fear that I could be with a girl, it brings on so much anxiety. Honestly, I’m still learning how to deal with these. I’m on Prozac and it seems to be helping a ton with taking a step back and realizing what the intrusive thoughts are. Obviously, sometimes it’s harder than others. I just feel like I’m lying to myself and everyone around me! I’m currently learning how to allow myself to feel the anxiety, and create space for it. Allowing myself to have these thoughts. As humans, we are supposed to feel emotions, uncomfortable or not. That’s the human in us, so by allowing ourselves to feel, allows space for more of “you” feelings. I also try to deal with the uncertainty that maybe, maybe not. OCD is really difficult, it can feel so real sometimes, like I really want it. It makes me feel like a joke, like I’m just lying. But we can feel uncomfortable things. We can do this, and eventually it will become easier. Healing isn’t linear💕

@linds💕 Thanks so much. I'm a Christian and my faith helps me so much. I'm also on luvox 300 mg and Abilify 10 mg. I recently went off me meds for a week (long story) and now I just started back on. So hopefully they help me again. We got this girl :) I'm 33 and it does get so much better. Keep your head held high. You are not alone.

@ranchdoritos88 Thank you!! I hope your medicine helps!:) I’m 18, we’ve got this:) sending you strength!

When my SOOCD really flared up I would have obsessions about acting too “manly” or being to masculine. I get scared that the “masculine” side of me means that I could be with a woman. When I don’t want to. I’m having a really bad OCD flare up today. I truly feel like “what if I’m into women” and it’s really intrusive. I doubt myself and have thoughts like “but what if I do enjoy my thoughts” and it really messes with me. I get scared that I will turn out to be gay or already am. I think women are great and always have, and because of being a woman I think women are empowering. And these thoughts keep invading me, making me think I want them. It’s so difficult. I’m sorry that soocd has turned into tocd. I hope you can find acceptance in these thoughts, and I hope I can too. I hope that everytime someone tells me to accept my thoughts my mind doesn’t immediately jump to “well that means I’m accepting that it’s true.” This mental illness is really difficult and really misunderstood. We’ve talked a few times on here and I know how difficult this is. I know how debilitating this is. I feel so far from myself that I feel like how I feel right now is the “new me” and it hurts. I want to go back to childhood. I want to be a kid again, without having ANY of these thoughts, and crushing on boys. I want to go back to when I didn’t have these intrusive thoughts all day everyday, where I didn’t check how I feel, where my mind didn’t immediately jump to conclusions. Sometimes I wish my theme would change to harm ocd or just ROCD and that makes me feel so guilty. I don’t enjoy these thoughts, no matter how much my mind makes me believe that I do. You aren’t alone. I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this too. We are all here for each other even if our subtypes are different. We are all suffering with the debilitating disorder, OCD.