I don’t feel worthy of anything.

I genuinely feel like the worlds most horrible person deeply for my past actions in childhood and general mistakes I’ve made. I feel like I shouldn’t be here or there’s no hope for me despite doing right ( trying to do right ) I’ve wanted to open up to my mom about things from my past but when I was talking to her about a situation that happened just to share, she was like “Thank God you’ve never done anything like that” But really my past mistakes are worst. It’s like I feel like I should disappear. I don’t know how to deal with the guilt and I feel horrible. I’ve made good and bad decisions but despite this being a long time ago ( which doesn’t erase my stupid actions ) I still keep bringing back into the present and I’m filled with guilt I genuinely think it would be better if I wasn’t here. I wake up think about my past things and I’m filled with guilt and shame that maybe I am a bad person and voices don’t stop, they keep telling me a lot of things that I start to believe. It makes me upset that I did something like that in my past and I try to be understanding but I can imagine the reactions of people and being condemned so much. I literally do this to myself every single day and it’s exhausting I don’t know how you guys can treat me with so much compassion and understanding. It really doesn’t feel real or like I deserve it. Like even on nocd, it makes me feel worst because I come across comments that say “as long as it’s not —-“ or something and I compare it to my past and I feel like a horrible unacceptable person.

I feel like I can’t explain anything to anyone and feel so dumb. I feel like everything that comes out of my mouth doesn’t make sense sometimes. I tried explaining what a vendor was about and couldn’t explain it and fear that I could get fired or won’t be able to move up because of this. I can’t explain things and hate explaining things. I don’t know how to get better and don’t know how to not feel stupid and feel like I have a purpose in this world. I feel like I don’t provide value for my job or at least my new manager who just got hired doesn’t see it and won’t because she’s really tough and doesn’t understand. She’s too blunt and very rude sometimes. I also feel so anxious 24/7. I feel like I need to workout but don’t have the motivation to and just want to be in my bed because I’m exhausted after work and during the weekend. Boredom sucks too. I wish I had someone who could be there for me wish I had a significant other. I don’t like exposure therapy and it’s not working at all. I tried it for a while. Same with Acceptance Respond Therapy.

i’ve done so many horrible things and i’m just so scared that i don’t deserve anything good in life