- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
girl this is almost exactly how I was. I’ve started medication which obviously isn’t for everyone but it’s helped me tremendously. I also go to therapy and just talk about this and practiced meeting myself with compassion and just acknowledging my intrusive thoughts as they come. im not completely “cured” but my day to day life has been so much easier and I can focus on things other than my SO OCD which is so nice.
- Date posted
- 3y
I am currently struggling with this as well and it is making me doubt literally everything the I stand for and everything I want to be true about myself. These thoughts really feel like I am gay and just afraid to come out, but I stand by the fact that I do not want to live life as a gay woman. I don’t know what to do because it feels like it doesn’t matter what I want anymore because it feels like I am just gay even though I don’t want to be.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Issac11 I have not. I did two sessions with an NOCD therapist but was unable to continue due to financial reasons. I also feel that ERP will just confirm that these thoughts are true.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Issac11 Which obviously scares me even more. I just don’t understand how there was a time when I wasn’t miserable every second of every day. I have never wanted to die before and honestly have always feared death, but now I just wish I could die.
- Date posted
- 3y
It’s so hard to deal with, especially because I had made so much progress (even my therapist said so). And I know deep down if I was genuinely gay I wouldn’t have to question it so much but it’s so hard to validate that reality when my mind has twisted all my past memories and experiences into evidence that I’m not straight
- Date posted
- 3y
Looked up later in life lesbian and she said “girls kissing make me uncomfortable but I celebrated men kissing” and I nearly lost my mind cause that’s how I feel and it’s like well is this just my sexuality???
- Date posted
- 3y
I feel like I should look those up as well but I am too afraid of what I will feel or if I will find comparisons to my own life. I don’t want to be gay at all. That and being trans are the last thing on the planet that I want for myself because I just don’t want that to be who I am, but it feels like it has to be and I don’t know what to do.
- Date posted
- 3y
Yeah and this idea of like “well who you want to be isn’t an option” is terrifying
- Date posted
- 3y
I am so scared because these thoughts are starting to feel less like intrusive OCD thoughts and more of thoughts that have been suppressed and hiding what I truly am, even though I am physically sick at the thought of that.
- Date posted
- 3y
@cf05 Yep! Which is insane that we all feel this way but for some reason I feel like I’m the exception, ya know? Like god forbid ONE symptom doesn’t align with OCD I just lose it and think it’s well yeah you’re gay but they all have ocd
Related posts
- Date posted
- 13w
I need too know that I'm not insane, really. I am 16 and for the past two weeks, this has been completely ruining my health and happiness. I only recently came out as a lesbian like 3 months ago after a lot of confusion about my attraction since I used to think I liked men. At first, I felt so sure that I liked women, but lately, I've been having these unwanted thoughts about the possibility of liking men. I never used to feel this way, but now, every time I look at a man, my brain obsessively fixates on it. It forces me to imagine kissing him, loving him, things I don’t want, and then tries to convince me that I do. It’s painful. The thought of this fills me with fear and anxiety, leading to panic attacks and breakdowns. I don’t want these thoughts. I hate them with every fiber of my being, but I’m terrified that one day I’ll act on them and somehow like it. I used to think I liked men, but back then, I was in a very unhealthy space in a time of escapism and something deeply parasocial. I’ve only ever liked the attention and validation a man could give me, but these experiences are somehow treated as further proof that I’m "bisexual." I’ve never been in a real relationship with anyone, which makes my brain constantly challenge me—telling me, “You don’t even know what love feels like.” It won’t shut up. It keeps obsessively trying to make me prove that I’m a lesbian, testing my reactions and questioning my certainty. Is this normal?
- Date posted
- 11w
trigger warning!!!!!! I’m really scared right now. I’ve been reading Elle Warren’s articles about her experience with HOCD/SO-OCD, and it feels so similar to mine. She went through the same fears of being a lesbian, felt distressed by her attraction to women, and spent hours ruminating, Googling, and analyzing her feelings. She even experienced groinal responses and revisited old memories, just like I do. Eventually, she had a moment of realization in college when she flirted with a girl, and everything clicked. She now identifies as a lesbian. I’m terrified that the same thing will happen to me. I thought the OCD fears were supposed to never be true and that HOCD thoughts are usually just compulsions that don’t end up being real. But reading her story, it’s like I’m seeing my own experience mirrored. What if it clicks for me, just like it did for her? What if I realize that I am a lesbian? Elle’s story makes me so scared. I thought my feelings of attraction to women were just OCD-driven, and now I’m questioning everything. I thought I was straight, but now, reading her journey, I’m wondering: could my OCD fears actually be real? Elle’s experience was very similar to mine: • She got distressed when she thought she might like women, not relieved. • She spent a lot of time ruminating, Googling, analyzing, and comparing. • Her attraction to women only became intense when her OCD flared up. • She said things like, “I feel peace when I believe I’m straight.” • She had already been diagnosed with OCD and had a history of this pattern. After years of fear and distress, Elle had a moment of calm and realized that it was true. I’m scared that this could happen to me too. Will I have a similar moment of acceptance, where everything clicks and I realize I’m gay? Or will I come to accept that this is all OCD, and that I’m straight, with the possibility that I’m not? I also keep thinking back to when my OCD lessened the first time. Did I go back to men because I wasn’t actually attracted to women, or was it just because the grip of the OCD had loosened? Elle also talked about the shame associated with non-heterosexuality. She mentioned that, like many of us, she had internalized stigma around being gay, and that it made her fear the possibility of being non-heterosexual. I can relate to this so much—growing up, I never saw it as an option to be anything other than straight, and now it’s hard to shake that fear and shame. Elle mentioned that she found reassurance in seeing other people with HOCD who worried that their fears would come true, but eventually realized they were just OCD thoughts. That idea is comforting, but also a little scary, because what if that moment of realization happens for me too? What if I finally accept that I am a lesbian? Or, what if I’m just struggling with OCD and eventually realize I’m straight? I just don’t know. The scariest part is that, just like Elle, I feel like I don’t have any obvious signs. She had no idea she was a lesbian until one day, everything clicked. She was 21, just like me when my OCD fears really flared up, and she had a breakthrough moment in Denver when she made friends with lesbians. That hasn’t happened for me yet, and it’s terrifying to think that it could happen in the future. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m really scared about where this will lead.
- Date posted
- 9w
I struggle with HOCD or SOOCD. I’m a married young woman to an amazing husband. I’ve had this since I was 16 but it only came in flair ups. However this round started in October, and it’s been really rough and I would just break down all the time. I went up on my medication and I actually noticed a difference! My thoughts were still very present but I wasn’t really paying attention to them or giving them power. HOWEVER right when I thought I was getting better, my brain started feeling and saying to myself that I just know I am bi but you want to make excuses for it like “oh it’s normal to find someone hot since we as a society have an interpretation of what that looks like” or “I see the girl as myself and that’s what ‘turns’ me on” or “well I mean that girl looks kind of like a man” and it’s it’s making me spiral. I won’t ever come out as Bi as deep in my soul I don’t feel I am. I have always wanted to be with men sexually and romantically and that has not changed but my brain is making me believe I am and I just don’t want to admit it. Please help me, what has helped you?
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