Hey everyone! Sorry for the late night post in advance but I’ve been going through it. I was doing so well with my HOCD (I’m a girl) and I went on a date Sunday night and my anxiety came back ten times worse. I ended up not sleeping at all that night and spent most of my time on tiktok watching videos of “signs I was a lesbian I didn’t know” and “later in life lesbians coming out”. Monday was horrible (in large part due to my exhaustion) but my anxiety got so bad I ended up calling my mom and essentially coming out to her and told her all the reasons I had for why I was gay. She was super great about it but definitely was like no you aren’t and tried to give me reasons I was straight. I woke up the next day with no anxiety; almost a sense of relief? Maybe I am gay and I was just dealing with denial?? No idea but now the anxiety is back slightly and I get weird anytime I see a female on my fyp or tv. How can I beat this and get my life back on track?

Issac11

15d ago

Are you on medication and have you done erp yet??

spunkleborg

15d ago

girl this is almost exactly how I was. I’ve started medication which obviously isn’t for everyone but it’s helped me tremendously. I also go to therapy and just talk about this and practiced meeting myself with compassion and just acknowledging my intrusive thoughts as they come. im not completely “cured” but my day to day life has been so much easier and I can focus on things other than my SO OCD which is so nice.

cf05

15d ago

I am currently struggling with this as well and it is making me doubt literally everything the I stand for and everything I want to be true about myself. These thoughts really feel like I am gay and just afraid to come out, but I stand by the fact that I do not want to live life as a gay woman. I don’t know what to do because it feels like it doesn’t matter what I want anymore because it feels like I am just gay even though I don’t want to be.

Issac11

15d ago

@cf05 Have you done erp before?

cf05

15d ago

@Issac11 I have not. I did two sessions with an NOCD therapist but was unable to continue due to financial reasons. I also feel that ERP will just confirm that these thoughts are true.

cf05

15d ago

@Issac11 Which obviously scares me even more. I just don’t understand how there was a time when I wasn’t miserable every second of every day. I have never wanted to die before and honestly have always feared death, but now I just wish I could die.

Issac11

15d ago

@cf05 Alright so let’s do this. I want you to get 6 pictures of girls in business casual wear and 6 pictures of girls in winter casual wear. I want you to skip left and right from the pictures like you would tinder and do this for 60 minutes and rate your anxiety every ten minutes and go back to the pictures doing this every ten minutes. I’m giving you a low hierarchy to start off with before you go into harder stuff to deal with.

Ope

15d ago

I have been down that rabbit hole and oh boy it still haunts me. I also called my mom sobbing, I feel your pain. I’m doing pretty badly and I know this is pretty horrible. Hang in there

kdito

14d ago

Looked up later in life lesbian and she said “girls kissing make me uncomfortable but I celebrated men kissing” and I nearly lost my mind cause that’s how I feel and it’s like well is this just my sexuality???

cf05

14d ago

I feel like I should look those up as well but I am too afraid of what I will feel or if I will find comparisons to my own life. I don’t want to be gay at all. That and being trans are the last thing on the planet that I want for myself because I just don’t want that to be who I am, but it feels like it has to be and I don’t know what to do.

kdito

14d ago

Yeah and this idea of like “well who you want to be isn’t an option” is terrifying

cf05

14d ago

I am so scared because these thoughts are starting to feel less like intrusive OCD thoughts and more of thoughts that have been suppressed and hiding what I truly am, even though I am physically sick at the thought of that.

kdito

14d ago

@cf05 Yep! Which is insane that we all feel this way but for some reason I feel like I’m the exception, ya know? Like god forbid ONE symptom doesn’t align with OCD I just lose it and think it’s well yeah you’re gay but they all have ocd

don’twannabetorn

14d ago

It’s so hard to deal with, especially because I had made so much progress (even my therapist said so). And I know deep down if I was genuinely gay I wouldn’t have to question it so much but it’s so hard to validate that reality when my mind has twisted all my past memories and experiences into evidence that I’m not straight