- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
This is like my exact story. I have never struggled as much as I am right now because it just seems like these intrusive thoughts are actually revealing a truth about my sexuality that I have been suppressing. The thought of typing that feels like I’m admitting to being gay, even though I have always identified as a straight woman. I am also a 19 year old girl, so these thoughts are incredibly troubling because I am at such an important phase of my life. I am having a very hard time figuring out what I want to do with my life/where I want to go to college, and my mind is now trying to convince me that the reason I can’t figure this out is because I am actually hiding a larger part of myself. I do not want to be gay at all and desperately want these thoughts to go away, but I also have felt the increase in attraction to females and loss of attraction to males, even though I have only ever been with men. I don’t know what to do.
- Date posted
- 3y
This is my same exact story AS WELL. It feels so weird, I can’t even explain it. It feels like my mind is tricking me into wanting this even though I don’t and I’ve never had thoughts like these before. I’m scared that this OCD is all a lie. I’m scared that At the end of this I’ll turn out to be gay when I really really do not want to. It causes me so much stress in my daily life, work life, family life, and intimate life. Even personal life. It feels as though there is no escape from this, it’s even creeped into my dreams. I’m 18 years old so we’re all pretty close in age. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I graduated in 2021 and now I’m like I don’t even know if I want to go to college, I don’t even know what I want to do. I feel like I’m just hiding a bigger part of myself too, but I know that is not me but why is it that sometimes it feels like it could be me?? I’ve always been the type of person to fight for myself, and I keep fighting to feel like me again. I don’t enjoy these thoughts, I don’t want these thoughts. They feel like poison. And my mind just constantly tricks me. This disorder is so very confusing. Im so tired.
- Date posted
- 3y
@linds💕 Thank you for sharing your story. My biggest worry is that I feel like this is me now, even though I literally SO desperately do not want it to be. I don’t want to be gay and I don’t want to be trans, but I feel like the thoughts genuinely make sense considering the ways I have always felt around gay/trans people. Like I feel like truly straight people do not feel uncomfortable in those situations like it do, which just means that my thoughts must be true. I feel completely disconnected from myself and I feel like all I see when I look in the mirror or go to take a picture of myself is a masculine version of me, which genuinely terrifies me and makes me think that these thoughts are actually true and it just took me this long to figure it out. Like I feel like this isn’t what I want because of the way that it makes me feel, but every time I try to remind myself that I don’t want this, my mind tells me that I really do want it and it’s just the discomfort of the thoughts that I dont want.
- Date posted
- 3y
@cf05 I get that so so so much. “I feel like this isn’t what I want because of the way it makes me feel, but every time I try to remind myself I don’t want this, my mind tells me I really do want it” I relate to that so incredibly much. I’m sorry to hear you’re also going through this, it is so hard.
- Date posted
- 3y
@linds💕 I appreciate you responding to my posts lately. I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling as much as I am, but it does make me feel a bit relieved to know I’m not alone. If you don’t mind me asking, have you ever looked up symptoms of dysphoria? I did yesterday and I am terrified that that aligns with what I am feeling more than symptoms of TOCD. When I signed up for this app a could months ago, I didn’t even check off that I had TOCD because my intrusive thoughts were all SOOCD related. When these trans thoughts started, I was able to recognize that “wow I really do have OCD” because of the fact that I developed another subtype, even though I had already been diagnosed by an NOCD therapist. This is all just starting to feel less like OCD and more like an identity crisis and it’s making me panic even more. I have two older sisters who are my absolute best friends and I love being a sister and daughter. My oldest sister also has three kids that I adore being an aunt to, but I am not going to lie I have always felt that my other older sister (the one with no kids) has way more natural maternal instincts than me and this has always made me fear that I’m not worthy or capable of being a mother. These thoughts have all come flooding back into my steam of consciousness since my initial thought of “are you actually trans” came into my head, and along with so many other thoughts from my past, just feel like proof that I am not actually meant to be a woman, even though I would never want to actually be trans.
- Date posted
- 3y
@cf05 I haven’t looked up dysphoria, I’ve seen you talk about it. But I’m scared it’ll cause me to have more intrusive thoughts, although I know that is no way to live avoiding things. I understand it feeling less like OCD, when I first started having this major flare up, I wasn’t diagnosed and I doubted weather I even had OCD it was so scary. But then I was diagnosed, there was some relief, but I still struggle with the fear of do I even have ocd? Or yes I know have ocd but are these thoughts still true? Some people will have different personality traits than other people, I only have 3 brothers so I can’t relate to having a sister but I’ve heard of my friends who fear they aren’t as good as their sisters, or their sisters are more “girly” than them. I fear that with my mom. But we’re all different people, with different experiences. Like you and me may have almost identical symptoms of OCD but the way we go about ERP may be completely different and that’s because we are completely different people, with different experiences. This OCD has twisted everything in my life. From how I interact with the ther females and etc. It’s even effected how I get on this app. Idk where I’m going with this but I feel your struggle deeply.
- Date posted
- 3y
I am at a point where i am convinced this isn’t ocd and just my denial and because its denial i am nervous and anxious and scared to accept the fear which I don’t even treat as fear anymore. Whatever thoughts i have during the day I usually write them in my notes and then at the end of the day post them but now i don’t even care if i do that and that just tell me that all this fear could be a lie… i had a dream with this guy which turned into the guy being a girl and kissing me and it actually felt like I didn’t want him to continue to be a guy but wanted to be a girl and even on this platform there’s one person who said all these thoughts and fear and nervousness just lead her to accepting who she was later on and therapy helped her and now i think if i go for therapy its going to tell me the same like anyone who reads this is going to say you’re not straight but bi and i am at point where I won’t even think just accept it and be like oh i can explore more and just reading all that i am writing is a proof of who I actually am and not…i had a dream where my friend who is straight and hopefully i am too cause I don’t know anything anymore we were talking in my dream and then she just came over me and i woke up from the dream its like i felt this giddy kinda feeling in my dream and nervousness and i feel i would feel the same it real life too I don’t think anyone can tell me that this is me still being straight i am not even anxious anymore i am at point where i think what happens if i come out and all this makes me think i have lost…. Thinking about a guy doesn’t feel normal like i am pushing guys away and its making me thinking all the past liking towards the guys were also fake and its was never this and cause it seems easier to be bi its more believable like I don’t relate to the guy stuff crush anymore and constantly just notice the same sex and then have this constant thought of like i know i force myself to feel the anxiety and force myself to write all this because these are compulsions and they tell me its still ocd when i think with everything thats its not and even if i stop these compulsions which I actually rarely do i still have these thoughts and if just one day i act upon them feeling like a possibility then all this was a lie this life was a lie.. my mother talks about bf and i all i think is thats a lie do i even want to be with a guy what if i am not with the girl because if society family and my own thinking and these are valid questions so how are they just intrusive thoughts I don’t understand it seems like i want to be something else cause that might give me peace and being straight doesn’t feel real anymore my friends try to set me up with a guy and all i feel like no and people on here write stuff like i know i want to be with my guy but these thoughts are bad I don’t know anything anymore all the future stuff i start thinking what if a girl and these i fee like are somethings a person coming out would experience not with ocd and earlier i would never accept it but now cause i feel like i can when people with ocd never can as they panic i feel like it was never ocd?!? Pls help tell what i should do?
- Date posted
- 3y
@linds💕 I know its been a long time but would really appreciate if you could reply i constantly feel like between the guy and the girl i am noticing the girl and imagining myself in place of the guy how is that not what i want but an intrusive thought like what do i do?!? I used to have a few dreams here and there but recently every dream is a guy turning into a girl and me unconsciously feeling like i want it and its happening?!? How is this all ocd and not denial?!? Like what should i tell myself?!? What if its actually denial and i am covering it up with ocd cause trust me its feels like that like 99.9% feels like i am lying and its not ocd even someone tells me it is I don’t believe it cause i know its not like and when you feel so sure what do you do?!? What if i am thinking not even what if like i am thinking forcefully so much cause i am scared and it’s eaiser to be ocd than to come to terms with my truth and this feels like the most possible and like the truth and if the therapists tells me this then what all this was a lie?! Will i accept it easily what if i do?! Why does it feel like i will?!? If someone says this girl is pretty i agree and i feel like i am looking at the same sex in a different way when all of this exists all these different sexualities how do i tell myself what i think is not a lie and just ocd?!? I am goinv about my life and feeling just numb and then I don’t even post so often and i when i do feels an obligation and for me to tell people all this use such what if questions because i want to hear from them that its okay its ocd when i feel like or I might even know its not I don’t post often don’t write often and the day i do i just write way too much just like some reassurance to myself so many of my friends are single don’t have bfs but they act like that and they know they are straight who am i ?!? I don’t feel straight anymore people with this ocd know in their heart what they want do i?! I don’t think and if i am so confused what to do?!! Like they want guys and i feel like i don’t and i am running away from them and noticing girls more thinking about them and not even feeling anxious how can this be ocd anymore if anyone says it it feels like a lie?!? Am i even straight anymore?!? Who am i?
- Date posted
- 3y
OCD is a doubt disorder. And it makes you doubt your identity. We all go through this. When this kind of thoughts comes to me, I'm trying to ignore it like it's a spam message. I wish you all the best. We'll get through this!
- Date posted
- 3y
Pls help me… i feel like i Force myself to think about it knowing thinking means mental compulsions and it being ocd then its all a lie and not ocd want to have life with a guy i feel like i am lying to myself and its always feels like what if even if this is ocd and i curb it but what guarantee in the future that all this in the past can’t change my sexuality and then all this was a lie it was never ocd and because i still haven’t been diagnosed yet cause they’re aren’t any good therapists around my area its seems more of a possibility Not even interested in guys or looking at them..i saw a video of these two women marrying and it felt like is it possible with me and why would i think that cause i read somewhere when you think of all this it’s usually you coming out and i am not scared of these thoughts anymore its feels like i know this is not ocd and i am lying but then what am i doing?!? Also the one thing happening a lot these days are i am getting these flashes of girls and liking them and they are not intrusive thoughts what do i take of them then?!?my last thing with a guy I didn’t really like and now i am feeling like I didn’t because i am not even into them and the past guys i liked were also all fake i feel even if I didn’t have ocd back then… looking at the mirror I don’t even feel straight like what?!?!? And like even if people tell me i am straight its like I don’t believe it and then i said no one’s a 100% straight why would i say that with ocd means i believe it and if i do that means it’s different and like in the past i used to get anxiety nervousness knew its not possible for me to ever like a girl but that was 3 years ago and if its still stays today its become like oh could be possible and the past reactions feel false like i was acting up cause i know how ocd works.i am calm with these thoughts how?!? Like do i not care if i become one and i feel like i don’t where is the anxiety?!? Even virtually and when i am sitting with friends i feel weird like i want to do something and i am stopping myself and that’s basically denial cause no one with ocd writes all this i think i am not accepting it but if i go to therapy and say this and when the therapists tells me its ocd thats when i will ig know i am so numb I don’t know how or what to feel anymore. My friend was talking about her boyfriend and I didn’t relate to her it didn’t feel like my reality i no longer read about hocd or watch videos so how can this still be ocd… my friends so casually say they will kiss the same sex and not have any further thoughts because they know who they are I don’t know ig thats why i have so many thoughts and that could also become me being a queer like what do i do?!? Who am i?!? Was i never straight cause in my childhood i had same sex experience and i like it or whatever so what is that?!? I like watching girls together and earlier I didn’t i closed it which now i think i wanted to but forced myself to and everything tells me this isn’t ocd and but denial and what if a specialists tells me this all Is over.. then people say there no harm in being a bi or liking both the sex’s and i agree so if i do am i?!? If i am ?!? What do i do?!? And i am saying or even considering how is it not denial and ocd?!? What am I doing where am I confused what should i do?!! AM I EVEN STRAIGHT ANYMORE?!WAS I EVER STRAIGHT?!? Why do i feel like i am lying to myself who am i?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 20w
First I want to start off with, as a kid, my brother touched me inappropriately, I watched him do the same with my cousin, than later on I did the same to my cousin. I feel great shame for it and I have yet to forgive myself. Now, since than 10 years later, I have always loved women, fantasized about women, constantly prayed to have one and do things to be with one 1 day. I struggled with porn a lot as a kid because I was shown it at such a young age. I remember first watching lesbian porn, than moving to guy and girl, than countdowns, etc. I was so hooked that it took an identity crisis to end this porn addiction. (I have only been sober for 3 weeks.) Now I only mention this because I think my porn addiction somewhat ruined me, same way as what I did in the past did. A year ago, I started to talk to a childhood crush I had, and things felt so great. We started to get along but I knew all I wanted to do was have sex and move on as wrong as that is. I ended up falling in love with her and asked her to be my girl. 9 months in, we were having constant arguments and she had this problem where she couldn’t give me a break. We were with each other 24/7 and it felt like dealing with a sister at some point. I remember talking to my friends and asking them what would they do and they always advised me to leave but I was not willing to because I knew I loved her and the way I was feeling was temporary and couples argue. Couple weeks in, I started to have these thoughts that we weren’t going to work out and that I no longer found her attractive. I kinda ignored them because it simply wasn’t true, I still found her attractive and would get hard ons for her yet, I still had this mindset that, “Oh, there’s other hotter girls” and, “Your ex looked so much better.” and I couldn’t stop these thoughts. One day I randomly woke up and remembered what I did as a kid, my whole world felt like it flipped. The thoughts were now, “what if you don’t like her because you’re secretly gay?”. I first laughed at the thought because of how ridiculous it sounded, but than it just kept going. Two weeks from a cycle of unwanted thoughts (1st stage of my ocd), I finally got over the thought with simple toughness and determination, I did lots of research on what was going on with me and went with the, “thoughts are just thoughts” method. I was doing well until we watch a netflix documentary “American Murder: Gabby Petito” and all of a sudden my mind began to think, “What if I’m secretly a psychopath and want to kill my gf?”. For about a week straight, It’s all I was able to think about. It scared me so much and I didn’t know what to do. I started to get urges to KILL my gf. I didn’t know what to do so I left the room and crawled up in a ball, crying to god asking for help.These thoughts went away but were quickly replaced by, “You want to kill your gf because you’re just gay”. This sent me into such great panic, I couldn’t eat for days and couldn’t feel anything but anxiety. Days went by and I finally went to a doctor, at first I started to feel better as If I was getting help and things were going to be okay. The thoughts went away again as I began to start doing more things and get out of my room (head). I felt like I was back again, I was able to love my gf, I started to go to church, I felt that god was real and than boom. Here I am again and this time things have gotten really bad. I can’t stop “checking”. As soon as I wake up I check if my gf is “good” enough for me. I check my past and see if I have ever done anything that show signs of being gay. I check out other girls and guys to see whether or not I like one or the other. Even when I accepted the possibility that maybe I am just gay, my mind will fight me and tell me that I’m more than just gay. Truth is, I don’t know anymore. I’ve always loved girls and my gf. I don’t know if this is OCD anymore but I wish for my old life again. I’ve always been so proud of my sexuality and loved everything about it. I never been homophobic but gay stuff does make me uncomfortable. Each day feels like I lost another part of me. I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I lost all my belief in god, my morals and value feel so weak, and my life is no longer a fun enjoyable thing to look forward to. I need help.
- Date posted
- 20w
I tried checking if I like gay stuff and it’s genuinely disgusting to me. I can tell whether or not a man is attractive and when they are it does scare me and makes me question myself yet, it’s always the same response, I don’t get how you can do that with another man. Doing anything sexual just feels so gross and wrong. I don’t think that I am magically turning gay. I don’t think my orientation is changing or hasn’t been explored. I simply find that stuff gross. I have never had anything wrong with gay people and I am a true believer that people have choices they can make with free will so it’s not that I’m homophobic, just keep that stuff away from me lol. Saying so, I don’t get why I am getting these thoughts. These images in my head, constant need of checking if I fall in the spectrum, constant checking whether I like someone of any gender, constant checking whether or not I am getting groinal responses. No matter what answer I get, my mind still wants an answer, an answer to the next question that it’ll create after answering the one before it. I have always liked girls and always been so proud of it, I am in a relationship right now with a beautiful girl I’ve had a crush on since 2nd grade. (I am 19) Whatever mental illness I have has ruined our relationship. Everything feels forced on my side, I don’t remember the joy I had before this but I have glimpse throughout the days of the things we’ve done together that makes me happy and look forward to life. I am constantly checking to see if my attraction is still there for her and the scary part is, when I am stuck in my head, I am not but, to alter that, when I get that freedom and feel like my normal self, I get a hyper amount of love for her and it feels so nice. These thoughts all began after me and my girlfriend had an argument, 5 months ago we got in an argument over her not giving me enough space. She always wanted to be a part of a plan with my male friends. I never minded her when it was just us two so it’s not that I hated being with her, it was just that I had no time to be independent. ( I also had no job and nothing going for myself. ) One odd day after spending so much time stuck in the house due to weather, I had random thought on whether or not I truly loved her. We were only 4 months into the relationship so I didn’t have an answer and since it felt like I needed an answer, it became obsessive, I couldn’t stop checking. After hours with that thought, I started to wonder whether or not I was interested in other things like K I D S. This thought was an automatic no and I began to fight it. I wasn’t going to accept that, each day felt like a living hell. The questions would change each day, do I miss my ex, was my ex better, do I like my M O M, do I want to K I L L so and so, do I want to kill myself. One day I woke up and had it all in control, felt like magic, after I watched a video on ROCD and realized, oh, I am not the only one but, this is where my compulsions got even worse. I couldn’t stop checking the internet, seeing if I relate to others, watching more videos. I regret this everyday because this compulsion created so many new thoughts and questions for me to answer. About 2-3 weeks went by and a thought passed by that has been stuck with me since along with other thoughts. I thought back to what I did as kid and in the past. I remembered a traumatic event where my brother touched me (5yr old M) inappropriately. This made me question whether or not I liked it and I couldn’t find an answer, couple years (10yr old M) after that I unfortunately did the same to my cousin (8yr old M). I feel so much shame and guilt for it. My mind turned black and white, “Maybe this isn’t a do you like your girl or not but instead, maybe you just like boys I mean, you obviously never asked yourself if you like what you did so”. This question was terrifying for me because it meant that I could no longer love my girl, my whole life till now has been a lie. So I began to question everything in my past up to date to find an answer. No matter what answer I fed my mind, it would not be satisfied and simply create more questions. It felt like my mind was forcing me to be gay, whether or not I liked it. 4 months has passed and the questions have just gotten worse, something I was initially so afraid of. I am in constant fight or flight mode, I am always anxious and I can’t feel nothing. I get times of relief when I am reminded of my past, when my gf turns me on, or when I find an answer to question my mind conjured up. I started to go to church but it’s always been a struggle for me to believe. I can’t go to the gym anymore because everywhere I look I am questioning myself. My porn addiction has went away but mostly because I can’t find anything attractive anymore. I can only find comfort and discomfort. Something that was once so easy for me would 1 day be nonexistent and hard to live without. I don’t know what the truth is anymore. My life feels like a made-up lie. Though I have always loved women, fantasized about them, get extremely nervous around them, pray for them, romanticize them, etc. I now have no idea what it feels like to be in love, interested, or even happy for a woman. My attraction hasn’t vanished completely, I still can look a girl and be stunned, l simply just can’t destroy the feeling it gives me. I get so anxious and begin to question everything about the women, the feeling, myself. I am having a crisis.
- Date posted
- 15w
Hi, I'm new to this and it took me a long time to gather the courage to post, but I could really use some advice. This will be a long post because I don't know how not to overexplain, please bear with me. I'm yet to be diagnosed with anything, so I'm not sure if this is one of the ways OCD can present itself, but I'm really hoping it's just soocd and nothing else. I'm 22F, cis and straight all my life as far as I know, but back in April, in a particularly exhausting day, I had an intrusive thought about liking women after seeing some random post on twitter and I've been spiraling ever since, with thoughts and anxiety non-stop trying to figure out an answer. I've noticed that my thoughts have been obsessing over this in a loop, where I question if I'm a lesbian or bi (I really really don't want to be, though I have nothing against the lgbt community) > question if I'm aro/ace (also really don't want to be, I'd be super depressed if I were because that would stop me from living the life I've always dreamed of) > question if I'm simply afraid of getting in a relationship and why. It's this loop where I can't figure anything out, my brain feels like it's in the middle of a storm. Looking back, I think I might have had rocd in my last relationship because I kept messaging my boyfriend asking for reassurance if he loved me and wouldn't leave me, but the reassurance only lasted at best a day before the doubts came back and I felt the need to ask again, and this lasted for months if not years. Now I've never questioned my orientation, I just knew I was straight (always crushed on boys, craved their attention and love, male celebrities, male characters, always fantasized about having a husband and kids, never felt anything towards women that way, never considered them as partners) until this one intrusive thought caused me to spiral out of control and I've never been the same since. This in and of itself should be enough to prove to my brain that I'm straight and have always been, right? Logically it should, it makes no sense otherwise... But it's not enough, so I've been googling non-stop, been reading so many posts here that I relate to for reassurance, been reviewing my memories, ruminating all day and night, testing myself by looking at pictures of men and women to check for reactions (when I'm not avoiding looking at them altogether). Even when I feel that my mind is quieter, the anxiety is still there, and I keep trying to affirm what I've always believed to see if I still agree and it's like my body preemptively gets anxious expecting the thoughts to return and then uses that anxiety as evidence that the thoughts are true when I really don't want them to be... I guess all of these count as compulsions? It's bad to the point anything lgbt-related triggers me now when it never did before (I was always like "good for them, but that's not for me" towards any kind of lgbt content, I've never identified with the community nor do I want to be part of it still), I can barely get anything done, get out of the house, spend time with my friends, listen to music or watch movies, focus on what I need to do, eat, sleep or even just enjoy my hobbies. The anxiety is always there, my mind feels like it'll explode and I feel like my life will be over if I don't figure this out now so I can fix it. I think I've also been experiencing false attractions and loss of attraction, which is making all of this worse, because my mind is trying to find out why they're happening and using them as evidence that I'm one thing or another... I never had any feelings towards women before this all started but I'm so scared I might have now all of a sudden when I don't want to. It's exhausting, I just want to be able to live normally again. The what ifs don't stop: what if I find out I'm actually what my fears say I am? What if I'm one of those late bloomer lesbians? What if I'm in denial? What if I'm just saying I've always wanted men due to comphet? What if I actually never find out and I'll be ruminating over this my entire life and won't be able to live? What if I'm lying to myself? What if I've always been that and never known? What if others find out I'm having these thoughts? What if it's not OCD and I'm making excuses and this is all true? What if it's always been a subconscious desire and I didn't know? What if I have sex with a man and don't like it actually? What if I'm aro/ace and that means I'll never be able to have a family one day? What if I have no choice? What if that one memory where you enjoyed time with a female friend means you're gay actually? What if I'm never able to love a man ever again despite having been able to in the past? The idea of being with a woman is absolutely terrifying to me, I'm not at all comfortable with the idea of being a lesbian or bi or anything, while the idea of being with a man only causes me some anxiety but feels more right. I've had very few experiences with relationships, most were unfortunately long distance, and I'm currently single so I can't even gauge my attraction or feelings that way, but I'm so tempted to seek a relationship because of this to prove I'm still straight... I also have GAD and might have depression, so that may be contributing to all of this... I just feel like my life is over, I can't live like this. I can't handle my mind constantly looking for proof that I'm lesbian or bi, using the fact that I enjoy my mom's hugs or my female friends' company to say "see?? I was right and you're lesbian!!" when I never once in my life ever thought of women that way, I don't understand why this is happening 😭😭 And to make it worse, it's also latching onto the past and using it as proof that I must have always been a lesbian without knowing and it's making me feel like I actually wanted it, when at the time I never thought of it that way. Like, me enjoying the company of one of my best friends or sharing a common interest with her doesn't mean I'm gay?? Caring about my friends isn't gay?? Being a girl who likes girly things doesn't make me gay?? But the thoughts are always like "no you're lying, you're just in denial, you actually felt xyz back then that's why you wanted her company" or "are you sure?". The thoughts also latch on the fact that I find incel, gooner and misogynistic behavior disgusting (which might be poisoning my opinion about men as well even though I don't want it to 😭), and they tell me I'm a lesbian because of it, which only makes me more depressed. But no matter how much I try to argue, it's never enough, the doubts are always there and it's making me have so many panic attacks they wake me up at night and don't let me rest. I'm so scared of accepting the thoughts because I fear that accepting them will make me actually a lesbian when I really don't want to be (and I keep claiming I don't want to be and my mind keeps throwing the "are you sure? you're not sure" around, it never ends 😭). It feels so real, I'm so scared. I'll add this as well because I feel is relevant, but these thoughts/spirals have also tried latching onto my religious beliefs (I have none, but they tried to convince me I did after I saw a post on social media) and onto my gender identity (they tried convincing me I wanted to be a trans man, when in fact I've always wanted to look more feminine, because I'm so thin I barely have boobs and it's always been a huge source of insecurity for me). These, however, haven't returned, unlike the spirals about my sexual orientation and mainly about being lesbian/bi. I think I may have had at best a week free from this obsession, and even when I'm distracted I feel like they're always somewhere near my mind just waiting to snatch it from me again. If I manage to calm down, my mind will also use that against me, saying stuff like "see, you're calm now, which means you've accepted you're a lesbian!!" and I get all depressed and anxious again and want to cry but can't because I'm so tired. I just don't want that to be true, I want my normal life back 😭 I know I shouldn't ask for reassurance, but I can't calm down. My life has been a living hell ever since this started, I feel unable to live, I just want to go back to how I was before all of this started. Is this HOCD/SOOCD at all? Can anyone else relate to this? Please tell me I'm not alone on these experiences, that I'm not what these thoughts claim... My mind is so close to fully convincing me that I am what they say and it's making me so depressed and anxious 😭😭 and it feels so real, like I'm already what they say I am and I'm chasing something that's no longer there. I'm so scared. I don't want to accept any possibility, I don't want to explore or "figure it out", I just want to be secure with my straight orientation again as I've always been, but there seems to be so much evidence of the contrary and I can't live with that possibility. How could I become a lesbian in the span of a few months when I never wanted that?? 😭 I'm so depressed, I miss crushing on men and wanting a husband and kids, I'm tired of arguing with my mind non-stop. I feel like I've been so full of doubts that I can barely affirm my favorite color, I can't remember what's like to be free from this madness, it's like from one moment to another I lost myself amidst this chaos and no longer know the stuff I've always known about myself. How do I go back to how I was before? How do I stop this without changing to be something I don't want? How do I get rid of these doubts that aren't supposed to mean anything but are scaring the shit out of me because what if they're true and I'm one of those cases where I'll become the sexuality I fear? I cannot bear the thought. It's been nightmarish 😭😭
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