I need desperate help…I lost my grandfather last week so didn’t really post anything and just went emotionally numb then caught covid for the second time and felt sick everything seemed to fall apart and then comes my thoughts the thoughts which now feel like reality and then because I haven’t written in a while i think its more true than ever and then suddenly i have started to think these thoughts as whats the harm in it and that itself just says a lot also not being diagnosed with ocd yet makes me question all this thinking its nothing but true…there are some actions that the same sex does that i find appealing what now?!? All of this in the end whatever someone says just says that I won’t have a problem in this indulgence and people who have ocd would be like I don’t want it and i hate these thoughts for me it has become i like them i want them how do i not think that this is not ocd and just denial?!?! What if i am just covering up my denial with ocd which I honestly think i am and just not agreeing to accept my reality being with a guy for feeling something doesn’t even feel like a possibility anymore i feel like i am faking this 99.9% and that .1 % is also fading. I feel like i look at people with pronouns she/they differently like i want to do something with them and how does one suddenly say that these thoughts can’t be true or if i am put in the position will i not do it ?!?!!? And if all this questions constantly pop up it means there has to be some truth to it…i can only feel nervous and anxious if i am thinking something true right?!? People who for sure know they are straight also i have seen in some shows that some same sex person comes in and changes their thinking and everything what then and i am just 19 who says I can’t and then if the possibility is there then it means there’s something in the present too right?!? My dreams have started turning extremely sexual and i constantly feel like i want to think of girls in my dreams and indulge with them too like then I don’t think there’s anymore proof needed and also after the dream feel like i like it and I don’t overthink it and then it feels like i want it which i think I actually do like where does this end who am i will i ever be able to see guys like i used to or was that fake too?!? And what about my same sex experiences when i was very little they happened and it was like i liked them and i wanted then that could also just be proof of all this and it all of this is just me experiencing coming out and how has it become so easy for me to write all this ?!? Who am i ?!? Am i even straight and if someone asks me what am i why do i think and when i say i am straight why do i feel its a lie?!? Who am i ?!? Pls help me !!!!!!

This is my same exact story AS WELL. It feels so weird, I can’t even explain it. It feels like my mind is tricking me into wanting this even though I don’t and I’ve never had thoughts like these before. I’m scared that this OCD is all a lie. I’m scared that At the end of this I’ll turn out to be gay when I really really do not want to. It causes me so much stress in my daily life, work life, family life, and intimate life. Even personal life. It feels as though there is no escape from this, it’s even creeped into my dreams. I’m 18 years old so we’re all pretty close in age. I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I graduated in 2021 and now I’m like I don’t even know if I want to go to college, I don’t even know what I want to do. I feel like I’m just hiding a bigger part of myself too, but I know that is not me but why is it that sometimes it feels like it could be me?? I’ve always been the type of person to fight for myself, and I keep fighting to feel like me again. I don’t enjoy these thoughts, I don’t want these thoughts. They feel like poison. And my mind just constantly tricks me. This disorder is so very confusing. Im so tired.

@linds💕 Thank you for sharing your story. My biggest worry is that I feel like this is me now, even though I literally SO desperately do not want it to be. I don’t want to be gay and I don’t want to be trans, but I feel like the thoughts genuinely make sense considering the ways I have always felt around gay/trans people. Like I feel like truly straight people do not feel uncomfortable in those situations like it do, which just means that my thoughts must be true. I feel completely disconnected from myself and I feel like all I see when I look in the mirror or go to take a picture of myself is a masculine version of me, which genuinely terrifies me and makes me think that these thoughts are actually true and it just took me this long to figure it out. Like I feel like this isn’t what I want because of the way that it makes me feel, but every time I try to remind myself that I don’t want this, my mind tells me that I really do want it and it’s just the discomfort of the thoughts that I dont want.

@cf05 I get that so so so much. “I feel like this isn’t what I want because of the way it makes me feel, but every time I try to remind myself I don’t want this, my mind tells me I really do want it” I relate to that so incredibly much. I’m sorry to hear you’re also going through this, it is so hard.

@linds💕 I appreciate you responding to my posts lately. I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling as much as I am, but it does make me feel a bit relieved to know I’m not alone. If you don’t mind me asking, have you ever looked up symptoms of dysphoria? I did yesterday and I am terrified that that aligns with what I am feeling more than symptoms of TOCD. When I signed up for this app a could months ago, I didn’t even check off that I had TOCD because my intrusive thoughts were all SOOCD related. When these trans thoughts started, I was able to recognize that “wow I really do have OCD” because of the fact that I developed another subtype, even though I had already been diagnosed by an NOCD therapist. This is all just starting to feel less like OCD and more like an identity crisis and it’s making me panic even more. I have two older sisters who are my absolute best friends and I love being a sister and daughter. My oldest sister also has three kids that I adore being an aunt to, but I am not going to lie I have always felt that my other older sister (the one with no kids) has way more natural maternal instincts than me and this has always made me fear that I’m not worthy or capable of being a mother. These thoughts have all come flooding back into my steam of consciousness since my initial thought of “are you actually trans” came into my head, and along with so many other thoughts from my past, just feel like proof that I am not actually meant to be a woman, even though I would never want to actually be trans.

@cf05 I haven’t looked up dysphoria, I’ve seen you talk about it. But I’m scared it’ll cause me to have more intrusive thoughts, although I know that is no way to live avoiding things. I understand it feeling less like OCD, when I first started having this major flare up, I wasn’t diagnosed and I doubted weather I even had OCD it was so scary. But then I was diagnosed, there was some relief, but I still struggle with the fear of do I even have ocd? Or yes I know have ocd but are these thoughts still true? Some people will have different personality traits than other people, I only have 3 brothers so I can’t relate to having a sister but I’ve heard of my friends who fear they aren’t as good as their sisters, or their sisters are more “girly” than them. I fear that with my mom. But we’re all different people, with different experiences. Like you and me may have almost identical symptoms of OCD but the way we go about ERP may be completely different and that’s because we are completely different people, with different experiences. This OCD has twisted everything in my life. From how I interact with the ther females and etc. It’s even effected how I get on this app. Idk where I’m going with this but I feel your struggle deeply.

I am at a point where i am convinced this isn’t ocd and just my denial and because its denial i am nervous and anxious and scared to accept the fear which I don’t even treat as fear anymore. Whatever thoughts i have during the day I usually write them in my notes and then at the end of the day post them but now i don’t even care if i do that and that just tell me that all this fear could be a lie… i had a dream with this guy which turned into the guy being a girl and kissing me and it actually felt like I didn’t want him to continue to be a guy but wanted to be a girl and even on this platform there’s one person who said all these thoughts and fear and nervousness just lead her to accepting who she was later on and therapy helped her and now i think if i go for therapy its going to tell me the same like anyone who reads this is going to say you’re not straight but bi and i am at point where I won’t even think just accept it and be like oh i can explore more and just reading all that i am writing is a proof of who I actually am and not…i had a dream where my friend who is straight and hopefully i am too cause I don’t know anything anymore we were talking in my dream and then she just came over me and i woke up from the dream its like i felt this giddy kinda feeling in my dream and nervousness and i feel i would feel the same it real life too I don’t think anyone can tell me that this is me still being straight i am not even anxious anymore i am at point where i think what happens if i come out and all this makes me think i have lost…. Thinking about a guy doesn’t feel normal like i am pushing guys away and its making me thinking all the past liking towards the guys were also fake and its was never this and cause it seems easier to be bi its more believable like I don’t relate to the guy stuff crush anymore and constantly just notice the same sex and then have this constant thought of like i know i force myself to feel the anxiety and force myself to write all this because these are compulsions and they tell me its still ocd when i think with everything thats its not and even if i stop these compulsions which I actually rarely do i still have these thoughts and if just one day i act upon them feeling like a possibility then all this was a lie this life was a lie.. my mother talks about bf and i all i think is thats a lie do i even want to be with a guy what if i am not with the girl because if society family and my own thinking and these are valid questions so how are they just intrusive thoughts I don’t understand it seems like i want to be something else cause that might give me peace and being straight doesn’t feel real anymore my friends try to set me up with a guy and all i feel like no and people on here write stuff like i know i want to be with my guy but these thoughts are bad I don’t know anything anymore all the future stuff i start thinking what if a girl and these i fee like are somethings a person coming out would experience not with ocd and earlier i would never accept it but now cause i feel like i can when people with ocd never can as they panic i feel like it was never ocd?!? Pls help tell what i should do?

@linds💕 I know its been a long time but would really appreciate if you could reply i constantly feel like between the guy and the girl i am noticing the girl and imagining myself in place of the guy how is that not what i want but an intrusive thought like what do i do?!? I used to have a few dreams here and there but recently every dream is a guy turning into a girl and me unconsciously feeling like i want it and its happening?!? How is this all ocd and not denial?!? Like what should i tell myself?!? What if its actually denial and i am covering it up with ocd cause trust me its feels like that like 99.9% feels like i am lying and its not ocd even someone tells me it is I don’t believe it cause i know its not like and when you feel so sure what do you do?!? What if i am thinking not even what if like i am thinking forcefully so much cause i am scared and it’s eaiser to be ocd than to come to terms with my truth and this feels like the most possible and like the truth and if the therapists tells me this then what all this was a lie?! Will i accept it easily what if i do?! Why does it feel like i will?!? If someone says this girl is pretty i agree and i feel like i am looking at the same sex in a different way when all of this exists all these different sexualities how do i tell myself what i think is not a lie and just ocd?!? I am goinv about my life and feeling just numb and then I don’t even post so often and i when i do feels an obligation and for me to tell people all this use such what if questions because i want to hear from them that its okay its ocd when i feel like or I might even know its not I don’t post often don’t write often and the day i do i just write way too much just like some reassurance to myself so many of my friends are single don’t have bfs but they act like that and they know they are straight who am i ?!? I don’t feel straight anymore people with this ocd know in their heart what they want do i?! I don’t think and if i am so confused what to do?!! Like they want guys and i feel like i don’t and i am running away from them and noticing girls more thinking about them and not even feeling anxious how can this be ocd anymore if anyone says it it feels like a lie?!? Am i even straight anymore?!? Who am i?

Pls help me… i feel like i Force myself to think about it knowing thinking means mental compulsions and it being ocd then its all a lie and not ocd want to have life with a guy i feel like i am lying to myself and its always feels like what if even if this is ocd and i curb it but what guarantee in the future that all this in the past can’t change my sexuality and then all this was a lie it was never ocd and because i still haven’t been diagnosed yet cause they’re aren’t any good therapists around my area its seems more of a possibility Not even interested in guys or looking at them..i saw a video of these two women marrying and it felt like is it possible with me and why would i think that cause i read somewhere when you think of all this it’s usually you coming out and i am not scared of these thoughts anymore its feels like i know this is not ocd and i am lying but then what am i doing?!? Also the one thing happening a lot these days are i am getting these flashes of girls and liking them and they are not intrusive thoughts what do i take of them then?!?my last thing with a guy I didn’t really like and now i am feeling like I didn’t because i am not even into them and the past guys i liked were also all fake i feel even if I didn’t have ocd back then… looking at the mirror I don’t even feel straight like what?!?!? And like even if people tell me i am straight its like I don’t believe it and then i said no one’s a 100% straight why would i say that with ocd means i believe it and if i do that means it’s different and like in the past i used to get anxiety nervousness knew its not possible for me to ever like a girl but that was 3 years ago and if its still stays today its become like oh could be possible and the past reactions feel false like i was acting up cause i know how ocd works.i am calm with these thoughts how?!? Like do i not care if i become one and i feel like i don’t where is the anxiety?!? Even virtually and when i am sitting with friends i feel weird like i want to do something and i am stopping myself and that’s basically denial cause no one with ocd writes all this i think i am not accepting it but if i go to therapy and say this and when the therapists tells me its ocd thats when i will ig know i am so numb I don’t know how or what to feel anymore. My friend was talking about her boyfriend and I didn’t relate to her it didn’t feel like my reality i no longer read about hocd or watch videos so how can this still be ocd… my friends so casually say they will kiss the same sex and not have any further thoughts because they know who they are I don’t know ig thats why i have so many thoughts and that could also become me being a queer like what do i do?!? Who am i?!? Was i never straight cause in my childhood i had same sex experience and i like it or whatever so what is that?!? I like watching girls together and earlier I didn’t i closed it which now i think i wanted to but forced myself to and everything tells me this isn’t ocd and but denial and what if a specialists tells me this all Is over.. then people say there no harm in being a bi or liking both the sex’s and i agree so if i do am i?!? If i am ?!? What do i do?!? And i am saying or even considering how is it not denial and ocd?!? What am I doing where am I confused what should i do?!! AM I EVEN STRAIGHT ANYMORE?!WAS I EVER STRAIGHT?!? Why do i feel like i am lying to myself who am i?