I have a fear of getting better. Like when I wonder if something's a sin, I use OCD like "even if I'm wrong, mental illness lessens culpability" but then what if my OCD goes away I get that pretty much no one is 100% of what is and isn't sin so how do I know what to avoid *sigh*

I used to have religious OCD. Still kinda do. Accidentally thought something bad about God once, panicked thought something bad about the Holy Spirit. Fell into doom. This was recently after recomitting myself to Christ. Since then I pretty much gave up. Unfortunately, it also led to me compromising my morals many times because I figured I was going to hell anyway. I wish I knew what OCD was then. I think it would have saved me a lot of pain. I no longer have a relationship with God, and fear I never will again.

I've been doing more research on the ins and outs of Catholicism, and man are the guidelines very strict. They're not bad in any sense, and following them makes for a good person, but with ocd these guidelines seem near impossible to properly follow. For example, it's a mortal sin to have an impure thought, and commiting a mortal sin puts you in a state of sin. This means you cannot receive the eucharist (body of Christ) at mass, which is a way to connect closer to God. You have to confess in order to be free from mortal sin. This is fine and all, but this means in my case I'd have to confess almost every week, which can be so tiring. I'm not trying to bash on my own religion, but these guidelines make it so incredibly difficult for me to feel good about myself. Knowing I'm committing one of the worst forms of sin everyday. Intrusive thoughts are a constant thing, does that make me a child of sin? I even skipped mass today because I feel guilty about being in mortal sin, but skipping mass is also a mortal sin! I feel absolutely terrible about myself right now, and feel as if my connection with God has been cut and it's entirely my fault...

My faith stays rooted in fear I don’t know how to stop it. I will be okay trying not to worry and let God handle my situations but then see something and go down a rabbit hole and spiral so bad. Cuz I feel like when I don’t worry then I’m not paying attention to anything going on and just going on with my life. I don’t want to follow him out of fear but I do so am I even really following him