I think I need to accept this. Too many signs and urges. A pretty girl would definitely make me nervous if she was flirting with me like in the scene of this show I watched. I feel very sad and scared and alone but I don’t think this is just soocd anymore

I’ve been dealing with SOOCD for over a year now, and I have been having a very hard day today. I feel like I just need someone to talk too, my whole life I’ve always had girl crushes and always wanted to be romantic with women . Ever since I posted this picture on instagram and one person said I looked “zesty” in it , which is when I started obsessing about being gay . I feel like I put so much meaning to these thoughts where now I’m always checking how I feeling around men. I had a really bad porn addiction for a long time and bad anxiety which fucked up my sex drive. I feel like I doubt if I’m attracted to women when I know I am , but the doubt is so overbearing where I start to believe it . I never was interested in men sexually, and my ocd makes me feel like I like the thoughts even though I feel no pleasure out of it. I feel like I lost who I am as a person . It feels like I don’t even know what my sexuality is and it’s really upsetting to me . I meant this girl the other day and she is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met and I just feel like ocd is getting in the way😭😭😭 please any advice or comments

Hi everyone I'm 18 and recently discovered i have soocd. I remember having random thoughts about men and it would make me feel uncomfortable and have bad panic attacks. Sometimes I would have to leave class bc these thoughts was messing with my head. And sometimes I would avoid men bc of this. I remember having a sex dream about one of my guy classmate and when ever I seen him I would have hatred for him. These thoughts keep on repeating over and over in my head to the point where I don't reaction to it. I don't if I'm slowly realizing im actually into men, but I still have this weird gut feeling in my stomach when I think about it. I really don't wanna lose my identity as lesbian.

Well, I'm a lesbian who has been living with this type of OCD for a few years and many things bring me intrusive thoughts and trigger crises. Something that always freaks me out is how people describe their attraction as primarily intense and nervous, and to me it's really more like some mild, adorable enthusiasm and a feeling of fascination and wanting to get some attention from the girl too. But nothing really nervous, something might tighten in my stomach, but it won't be irremediable or so intense,Maybe I don't even really realize it at the time. There's also a bit of a loss of words and a bit of a blur, I seem slightly disconcerted, but not really anxious in a physical way And kind of crazy as some (many) describe it on lesbian and queer community forums. It really freaks me out, like if my attraction doesn't match all this anxiety does that mean I'm not actually attracted to girls?! Am I not a lesbian then? My OCD says maybe I'm straight, Because for me it's much easier to feel anxiety in interactions with some guys than with girls, but it doesn't seem like attraction to them either. In the presence of men I have anxiety about, it's more like hypervigilance about how I'm perceived by them (they'll judge me), It's not all guys I feel this way about, but some guys, This happens to guys I know who have some kind of social status. And the anxiety around them is literally a flight response mixed with hypervigilance, it's literally fear, Even though I feel like he's a nice guy, and I can acknowledge that and I can even find his company enjoyable, I can't help but feel at least a little "please leave" for certain types. In fact, I don't want anything sexual or romantic with men, I absolutely don't identify with the way people who like men say they feel about them. It's just anxiety to me. Furthermore, I feel immense disgust at imagining myself with a man on any level, even without having had any bad experiences with men. I have never been abused by a man and And I haven't experienced any trauma involving men at any stage in my life, so it's an absolutely inherent discomfort for me. I've tried dating men before and it was always uncomfortable, I couldn't touch them, or imagine doing any of that without feeling disgust and repulsion. I couldn't tell them that I loved them the way they expected, or that I simply liked or was attracted to them. It felt wrong, it was simply the wrong answer. But I always thought anxiety was the only thing that showed attraction, so it took me a while to consider not liking men. But I really don't, I don't like them to the point where it makes me sick. I've always been much more friends with girls than with boys. Girls have always been much more in my social circle, I've always learned more social skills from them. Guys were kind of distant,I had male friends, yes, and I still do, but there isn't as much connection, they are more friends. So I've probably learned to be more relaxed around girls, even around the ones I'm even slightly attracted to, it's just like that. But I feel a desire to be with him. When they're closer to me, I feel this desire to be with them, not as a friend, but as something that involves romance with them. I feel happy and comfortable. But I'm terrified now, I'm really terrified now. If all this attraction-related nervousness doesn't suit me, then I'm straight?! What if I am? What if I can't be a lesbian? I really think this might invalidate my sexuality, I'm scared to death. I'm literally crying my eyes out because I can't feel like I belong anywhere else. But then I think "what if I just want to be special?", "what if I'm not really a lesbian?". I don't want to get involved with men at all, I want girls and I desire them and I fantasize about them, But what if my attraction is fake?! What if the fact that I genuinely want to be in a romantic relationship with a girl is just bullshit? What if it means nothing, I don't feel that nervous illness they talk about when it comes to attraction! It's causing me a lot of distress and agony. I've been compulsively checking my reactions for a long time, and it's getting worse during these crises. Any other lesbians with OCD who can relate to this? Please, I need answers, I'm really freaking out.