TW POCD and Real Event OCD 18+ please You don’t have to answer but I would really appreciate it if someone could help me. When I was younger I struggled with having a weird and embarrassing tickling fetish and I would go and search for said fetish but to me at the time that was the only thing that I was after. I don’t know how it formed or whatever made me have such a thing but it’s something I regret so much because as a teenager up around 15 to maybe 18 or 19 I would look up this fetish on ifunny or wherever but mostly ifunny and come across videos, memes and whatever about the fetish itself. It wasn’t because of people it wasn’t about whoever was in those things just to me it was about the fetish. So I’m scared because of the things I’ve come across at the time because it’s a normal everyday thing that got turned into a fetish for me when I was young and at the time I didn’t have any bad intentions. It never crossed my mind like “hey you might not want to do that because it’s wrong” it never even occurred to me at all. Like I said it wasn’t about who was in it. I’m scared of what if because masturbation was a big struggle at the time as well I would look up or scroll which doing that so I’m scared about that too. Like I said it wasn’t the intent to do anything wrong or bad. Usually “bad” people or whatever would know for sure what they are doing and do it anyways I had no clue until many years later I was about to fall asleep (when I was starting to develop OCD) and I remembered the mistakes I’ve made and I started balling and I’ve been obsessing about it ever since. I would never ever in my entire life ever make the same mistakes again. I’ve told my mom about it and my dad before he passed they both told me to let it go that it’s in the past there’s nothing I can do about it and forgive myself. I’ve also mentioned it to my first therapist and she gave me advice about it but I don’t remember what she said. Hopefully I don’t have to go into super detail it’s about POCD so I’m pretty sure you get the idea but I have so many fears regarding it like “what if I’m a monster or p” or “what if it was considered or equivalent to the thing on the internet that people with pocd fear the most” and so on. I’m so sorry to go on about this. I’ve posted about it in the past and I can feel myself spiraling all over again but if anyone relates or can help me I would appreciate it. I promise I’m not a bad person and I never want to be. I know I should let this go but it’s so hard to when my mind won’t shut up about it 💔

I'm 17 years old I struggle with addiction I have a problem when I masterbate I have intrusive thoughts idk if I think them I'm so scared also back then I know when I was younger I looked at obscure things hentai all that my idk what to do even I feel like I'm a monster or im a bad person I need help I feel so distraught I feel like I can't live life to the fullest anymore even from last year I looked at content that was animated but it had a character in it that was underage I felt so ashamed and felt like a monster I had a compulsion to check it only to find out they are not around my age range idk what to do I probably sound like a freak I'm sorry I'm always trying to replay my memory and try to remember my intention and what I was doing how I come across how I was doing a action yk all that

Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT

What if you did something extremely horrible as a child that you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 13…… I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 13 when these real events happened and now I'm 20... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo...  I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 13 at the time… now I’m 23… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed  to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 13… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 13….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids…  I was 13 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭