Triggered by therapist
Haven’t been in this thread in a minute.
Anyways, I thought I had recovered from this .. but here we go.
I’m F22 and virgin with no experience e.g kissing/dating. Anyways, I was trying to find a new therapist and while explaining my triggers and grievances, she says - how do you know you really like guys ? This was really triggering and I felt in the conversation she was trying to get at that because of my past I’m suppressing my true self.
Just to give context, I was bullied by guys when I was younger.
Anyway, what really got me is her saying that I should be open to both and that in her professional opinion I don’t know my sexuality because I haven’t experimented. I said fair point as dealing with this I’ve had to accept uncertainty.
Leaving the call, I even asked her ‘am I lying to myself’, I felt paralysed. I felt like she was saying that I really don’t know if I’m straight which has brought about this outdoor spike.
In terms of dating I came far last year - I even went on a date and this other guy .. I really liked him - still do ..
But I just feel like I’ve taken a step back because I haven’t even thought about this in so long !
She even suggested that having some interest in lesbian porn when I was 15 means something but I suppose she doesn’t know me. As I said to her, sexuality is a spectrum no one is 100% anything .. I’m not the only woman that watched/watches lesbian porn. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a woman, I don’t desire to kiss/caress another woman - I don’t envy lesbian relationships !
When I go out - I don’t want to be hit on by women, I want men to find me attractive.
TMI- but on two separate occasions - men have got me .. excited/wet
I feel frustrated as she also mentioned how the black community - lesbianism is a taboo - I get that but I wanted to scream that’s not me .. I even told her I was propositioned by a friend last year and that wasn’t for me.
I feel scared to go through with this therapist as I feel she’s going to try and tell me that I’m in denial.
People don’t understand, I’m uncomfortable with this idea of being a lesbian/bisexual as it don’t sit right with me. Like I’m not homophobic - I can watch things involving lesbians and not be triggered because I accepted that woman can be attractive but that don’t mean I want them.
Instinctively, I think we all know our sexuality .. if sexuality was determined strictly by experimentation - then everyone must have the capacity to be bi/gay - as they haven’t tried it ! Sounds stupid right ?!
Has anyone had this experience with a therapist? Am I taking her questions to personal ?