Can I love him, even everything in me is telling me, I don't love him. Can I chose? Or I have to leave?

Hi. I wanted to stop posting here, but I can’t hold it in anymore. I’m feeling so lost. I’m in a relationship that, from the outside, looks wonderful. We’ve been together for 2 years. He loves me deeply. He’s kind and caring. And still… I can’t feel anything. I can’t imagine a future with him — living together, starting a family, growing old. When I try, it feels like something in me shuts down, like it’s wrong. I don’t feel happiness in the relationship. I don’t feel love, warmth, or comfort. I feel anxiety, numbness, guilt, and fear. We fight over the smallest things. My thoughts scream that I don’t love him, that I’m forcing this, that I’m just used to him. The scariest part is: sometimes I feel okay, even calm. And that’s when it hits me — “What if this calm means I’ve accepted the truth? What if I don’t love him?” It feels like I’m in shock. Like I’m finally seeing clearly… but I’m terrified that it’s a clarity I never wanted. I don’t know what’s real anymore. I just know that I’m exhausted. And I want peace. If anyone else has felt this — the numbness, the fear, the doubt that feels like the truth — please tell me how you’ve gotten through it. I don’t want to lose him. But I also don’t want to keep living like this. i know that people reading this will tell me to leave. but i dont have any reasons. All the problems started because of my never ending thoughts. i feel like i ruin everything. i feel like i have changed. im so lost and scared. i dont understand what is happening. It feels so real. im in agony, im crying so much. I wasnt always like this. i am trying to remember times i felt better and i cant. i cant feel anything. its so hard. i can’t explain how i feel and in scared what are you going to respond if someone will. i usually see “if you feel so bad then leave” but its not like that. he loves me so much and if the thoughts werent there it would gave been so different. everything was perfect. but i keep thinking that when the thoughts started, one and a half years ago, i realised that “i just dont like him” and gbat i couldn’t accept the truth and i am denying it. i feel fake. do i even have rocd? or is this cope?? why do i feel like this. why does it feel so real? please somebody help me

I know it’s long but plz read :( have been having really bad ocd about my relationship and my partner and it has gotten worse and worse over the span of like about nine months I’d say. I do acknowledge there are flaws and legit issues about him and the relationship like there are with anyone but I also know ocd has clouded my judgement and perception by analyzing everything and compulsions. For a while I kept feeling this need to get out which I know was ocd. I was really scared to spend the weekend with him because I thought I would just be annoyed and irritated cause it’s been that way for a while but he also was going through a period of high stress so maybe I was resenting him for that and I also wasn’t communicating how I should have been when I was upset because I’ve done that too much in the past. This weekend I was told in therapy to just be in the moment and not have to worry about trying to answer the question of do I love him or should I break up. It did help but It’s weird cause this weekend ended up better but I also was kind of numb? Like I was enjoying myself but didn’t feel what I always have felt in the past? Anyway, I am really anxious because i feel like if I loved him I would be supportive of when his parents compliment him or when he does well at something when instead all I think of are that I’m not happy or annoyed because of things he does that upset me or make me mad and it’s like that’s the only way my brain wants to see him as a person. Or when he is upset it feels like I don’t care like I used to because I think of how he doesn’t deserve this when he does this or he shouldn’t have this when he is like this etc. Why does my brain automatically go there? That’s horrible! I feel like I should be excited for him, rooting for him. But it also feels like I do care for him? But my thoughts keep changing. I am afraid I only am with him because I love that he loves me and how he treats me. This makes me feel selfish cause I can’t do that. I notice I still like when he cuddles me and is sweet to me and does fun things watching movies etc. And that’s not how it used to feeel which scares me because I don’t want to be without him. I also love his parents am I only with him cause of how his parents treat me? I feel so selfish and like I have to tell him and break up with him cause it’s the right thing to do. I never used to feel like this. I’m scared. Is it possible I’m just I’ve been mad and resenting how it’s been cause he’s been stressed mix with my ocd? My therapist said relationships can go through phases. Can I fall back in love with him again? I feel like I have to try to start with someone else like this is too far gone. I don’t want to stay in something where I don’t feel toward him the way I want to but I really don’t want to leave him. I feel like such an awful person cause he doesn’t deserve this and is so caring and loving despite everything the major thing that bugs me is how he gets irritable a lot which is an imperfection that makes me get anxious and question him😭 trying not to read into this and just follow what the therapist said but this is scaring me because I feel like if I loved him I wouldn’t think like this or feel like this.

Hey everyone, I just need to let this out because I feel like I’m slipping deeper into something I can’t name anymore. I’ve been struggling with ROCD for a long time, but right now… I don’t even know if it’s ROCD anymore. I feel completely disconnected from my partner. I used to say I love you and mean it. Now it feels like a lie. I used to enjoy being close to him — emotionally, even sexually. Now, even a sweet or intimate comment makes me want to shut down. I feel irritated, cold, distant. I’m not trying to be like this — it just happens. And I hate it. He loves me so much. He’s been there for me every step of the way, even when I told him about the thoughts. And yet I feel like I’m slowly hurting him — by being so numb. By being quiet. By not feeling anything when I know I should. And I feel like I’m hurting myself too. It doesn’t even feel like anxiety anymore. It feels like: “This is the truth.” Like I’ve realized that I never really loved him. Like I was just scared of losing something that felt safe. And now I feel like the only honest thing to do is admit that it’s over — even though that thought also hurts. But nothing feels right. I don’t cry about it anymore. I just stare at the wall and think: “What if I was lying to myself all along?” I told someone close to me (my mom), and instead of support, I got judged. And now I feel even more alone. Like I’m not allowed to be confused. Like I have to pick a side — and I don’t even know who I am anymore. If anyone else has gone through this… this numb, distant, dead-inside-but-still-caring-somehow place, please tell me it passes. Please tell me the numbness is a symptom. Please tell me love can survive this kind of fog. Because I feel like I’m just fading — from him, from myself — and I don’t want to give up. Even if I can’t feel that right now… I don’t want to give up. I keep searxhing on r/rocd people that feel the same so i can read the comments there and i dont find people just like me. i feel nothing like my live is gone that i am a different person now. i keep seing this “love is a choice “ but what if i dont want to choose him? what if im forcing myslef to feel… my list could go on and on