I keep drafting or beginning to write a suicide note/letter. I don’t have any plans on actually taking my life but I feel I already know what I’d write. I keep getting ocd when I start writing it and have to quickly erase it and get rid of it. I feel like my future cured self will be able to see clearly and realise suicide was not a nesaessery thing. But I feel like my family especially my dad just don’t take my mental health seriously like because it’s not some physical illness it’s not a big deal. It makes me feel so pathetic and annoyed at myself for even thinking in a suicidal way and it makes me think I’m not “bad” enough or don’t have a proper reason to feel suicidal. Im just in complete conflict and at a loss. I am drastically losing any control over my mind and how I think. It’s ruining my life.

I had like a really bad argument with my mom basically about her complaining about my “attitude” and “constant arrogance” like okay firstly 😭 yes i do have an attitude and am irritable but im not THAT bad 😭🙏 she was saying that im a “pest” and that “its not enjoyable to live with someone who makes other people miserable” like 😅🧍‍♀️ oh ☺️ and then i tell her that i know im struggling and that im going to therapy to try to get better and trying to possibly get a diagnosis and she says “your generation just wants something to deal with. You want something to be wrong with you. ‘Trying to get better’ isn’t good enough… would you be able to stand someone like yourself? You’re just choosing this antisocial, narcissistic behaviour and harass everyone… You need to pull yourself together. No matter how much effort we put into you, you will never be happy. You want some medicine? Some diagnosis? Because that will solve everything?” 😭😭😭 and the way she said “some medication”- she sounded so disgusted and appalled and now i feel ashamed… i mean im not officially diagnosed with ocd and it is never my intention to self diagnose- but im sorry its VERY obvious when you have ocd and know of ocd- its so distinct. Everything- the compulsions, reassurance, intrusive thoughts, themes, patterns, perfectionism- but she has me overthinking- what if i dont have ocd 😭 and ive just been lying to myself and everyone maybe its not ocd and im just sick in the head or trying to self sabotage- and especially when my supposed ocd is calm or not as loud i get so anxious “what if i dont have ocd…”

Hi ❤️ I’m really struggling right now I’m in my sophomore year of Highschool and I’ve finally started planning or thinking abt my future (for context I was extremely depressed and suicidal from 6-9th grade) After conquering my depression this is a huge leap for me and I’m proud of myself ❤️ But there’s something still holding me down :( and I’m not sure what to do anymore that thing is OCD. Since 6th grade I have had strong and invasive intrusive thoughts all the time they scare me so bad and make me feel as though I’m not even real anymore :( I’m sick of taking the time to do ridiculous compulsions to rid or ease these thoughts it’s a waste of time and energy and it hurts me so bad I feel like I will never get to just live my life without this :( How can I plan my future when I can’t even find myself in this mess of anxiety 💔 I’m so tired of fighting my mental health it’s been years from anxiety attacks to sh to survived suicide attempts (I got help dw❤️‍🩹) and recovery there. Just to be thrown into a storm of awful scary sickening thoughts day and night-when can I just be a normal teenager and possibly a happy adult? How do I conquer this so I can love myself to the fullest and live my life free and happy? :( ❤️❤️‍🩹 I’m so scared to talk to my parents about it I’m ashamed of my thoughts and every time I bring it up they just say I shouldn’t be diagnosing myself or it’s just ADHD. It really really hurts me they have no idea how awful this feels and it makes me feel so alone sometimes 💔

I have struggled with the darkest thoughts for a long time that rip me apart and have shattered my identity or attempts to create an identity. The worst part is they latch on to what feels most important to me at a point in time, or very important parts of who I am/my family is. Now that I write it out it helps put it in a bit of a perspective, of just how far my ridiculous ruinations have gone. Essentially the obsessive thoughts center on the fear of being a murderer, and have ruined my life for 15 years. This is totally ridiculous, but it developed so bad I was analyzing every good or bad instinct or personality trait of myself and even my family. This makes me cry but it has changed how I even view my whole family. The instinct to even just say Hi to someone, turned into 'you're not actually friendly, you're a murderer.' The worst part is it latches on to the positive aspects of ourselves: For instance, the ongoing deep desire I get to invent/create something outside of my work life and start a creative project, (this is a lifelong passion of one of my parents), Is disrupted by thoughts that somehow this passion is driven by a darker thing such as being a murderer. It's so horrible because it clouds my view of my own parent who I know I deeply love, and view of people in general. This leaves me broken inside and it is hard to get through every day, especially when the thought process starts positive (I want to start a creative project) then quickly devolves into extremely disturbing thoughts about oneself and even my family. Writing this out has helped I will say because it helps me see the thoughts for how ridiculous they are, and see how OCD really works by latching on to what you value/care about most. Essentially its like the most ultimate fear of fearing yourself, which makes it so hard to develop a sense of identity, do the things you actually would enjoy, enjoy relationships, and in general live your best life.