I woke up really badly. I’ve been taking Flexeril, which is a muscle relaxer, and Tylenol p.m. basically almost constantly for about a month or more. Possibly two. Especially the Tylenol p.m. So I know that Tylenol p.m. can give you weird dreams no matter what and Flexeril apparently can cause abnormal thinking and dreaming by itself like even if you didn’t have OCD it could make you think weird. I’ve been having a really hard week. Definitely need to find another job lol. That probably doesn’t help. The job I mean. But then again I’m a dishwasher end I just made a bad choice I should’ve picked the front of house. So that’s my fault. I woke up sort of all right. Which is nice. Usually I don’t wake up that great. So I went to the restroom, did my business, wash my hands, and try to go back to sleep. And I am frightened because as I’m getting myself comfortable again – because I didn’t make my bed and so it was still in that kind of comfy nest like situation-I said silently I might head that I think but I don’t think women are better than men. I’m definitely definitely commands down there better than a woman’s I don’t even like the woman so I guess saying better than is not quite correct. And sometimes I get scared because I have a compulsion to check myself if you know what I mean and I’m scared of what that means if I get anxious and think of a woman’s private and get that compulsion to check myself down there were like what it says about me. Sometimes I mean I know it’s anxiety but I can’t help getting scared about it. And the boob I don’t scared I don’t even feel better I’m frightened I feel better saying the word I’m thinking about how the boob stick out. And what again does that say about me? I mean if I can take a deep breath long enough and think about boobs like literally just I don’t like them. But I’m getting kind of eating away I don’t know what the emotion is it I don’t know if it’s guilt I don’t know what it is But I’m scared to actually do I don’t think women are better than men I just now said I don’t think that I if I’m straight should I think men are better than women I don’t want them I don’t want women I definitely don’t think they’re better than men. And I don’t like the blue pectoral thing because like again if I can get myself calm enough I know I don’t like them but then at the same time I feel like I can’t properly enjoyed men like their chest and I feel bad because I kind of smiled and said oh you can joy the bigger guy than my guy but I didn’t I don’t think and join us the right word. I don’t want big bulky guys and I hate that I might’ve react in a little bit of someone who is more muscular because the more I looked at the guy who is more muscular the moral grossed out I got because it’s just so big and I don’t like them because I don’t want to get a thing for big guys. Actually I don’t like them because I just don’t think the guys are attractive but I don’t like the way I’m smiling like I don’t wanna warm up to big muscular bodies my dude‘s fine. I’m scared I feel like I’m choking for me to say something think that they are so silently scares me because I don’t it’s like why do I really think and feel deep down I feel bad about everything I don’t think women are better than men I don’t but I’m friend I feel like I’m I’m straight so I should think men are better than women but women are not better than men that’s for fucking sure and the pectoral boob thing is just driving me crazy. And I acted eager over when I don’t really like boobs at all and I just feel like I’m going crazy I’m scared I shut down when I try to think of guys like I don’t actually like them but I don’t want to switch teams or go for the alternative I don’t like boobs! Or vagina! And I keep describing it as stuff like but it’s not positive and I keep thinking of but neither vagina or boobs are sweet they’re not sweet or hot or sexy and when I said that I can’t tell if something happened down there and I’m just genuinely terrified right now. I’m trying to go back to sleep because my upstairs neighbors were making like a lot of noise it was ridiculous. They basically were acting like it was 12 in the afternoon instead of like 1130 almost 12 in the morning. So I didn’t get the best sleep I didn’t fall asleep till early morning and that’s frustrating because today’s my day off so there’s that kind of ruined I’m just genuinely scared I can’t say and I’m scared to do I don’t like boobs I don’t want women I don’t like them so why can’t I say that men are I don’t I said I just now really seriously said don’t think that I do think men are than women And I’m scared I am and I don’t wanna lose my feelings for my guy at eight I don’t want to move on I don’t want another person I want him to come back. No he doesn’t know me but I’ve known him I loved him for a long time I haven’t known as in depth as I’d like but I know enough to love them and I don’t want to start moving on I don’t wanna lose my feelings I can’t guess past this sense of like darkness every time I try to think of what I just said like I’m friend of what’s inside me to think that I was silent with he think or say that women aren’t when they’re not better than men frightens me and what that says about me and how I was good to say how forced it feels I’m fr it starting to feel and what that says why would that feel wrong with it or not better than why can’t I say that I’m afraid I can’t anymore but I know I’m straight women are not better than men to me