- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
We think things about ourselves that no one else thinks and our biggest fear is what others would think. Well guess what?! They don’t need to know and who knows what is going on in other people’s minds! Most people don’t share this stuff and so we automatically think that others aren’t thinking anything close to what we are thinking and we start judging ourselves. We are our own worst enemies.
- Date posted
- 3y
Exactly what keeps me stuck some days, I’m like people would judge me and just say I’m gay when it’s like no I’ve pondered it im not and I have OCD 😂
- Date posted
- 3y
Yes it is very painful and isolating. I hate that others feel this way because obviously I know how it feels but it’s comforting to know I’m not alone. I am anxious to see my therapist from NOCD this week to start getting help. I just want to be happy- go on and live my life without feeling this way.
- Date posted
- 3y
Same here! I got married March of last year and had horrible ROCD and SOOCD, it latched on to everything and then gave me the intrusive thought “im gay”which I got stuck in my head on repeat, but I know isn’t true Haha. I have thought about it and come to the same conclusion sexuality is on a spectrum, and I feel like of course women are beautiful and so forth but I only am romantically attracted to males. Makes me feel like people would judge me on my sexuality and that I’m a weirdo 😂
- Date posted
- 3y
Hello. I am also married to my wonderful husband and I have the same theme as you. I think sexuality is on a spectrum but I know what you mean by obsessing about it and trying to define it. I also have the tendacy to watch the woman in porn. But like you, I only actually desire to be with a man in every way. I feel depressed about this too. You are not alone. Maybe we can offer eachother encouragement. I'm a Christian too.
- Date posted
- 3y
I definitely think providing encouragement is a good idea. I am very attracted to my husband and would never leave him but the OCD thoughts make me feel like but what if I did and what if I am lying to myself and I am living a lie?! I have had the fantasies since I was a teenager but after having them I felt wrong and weird and I have always loved being with men- their smell, their masculinity, romantic feelings etc. I’ve never felt that way for a woman ever. I do believe sexuality is a spectrum and most people lie somewhere in between. My therapist has told me that before and that the fantasies are just that… fantasies. What makes them arousing is knowing they are taboo and nothing that would happen in real life. I’m trying to get to a place where I can accept this and move on to be happy. I know they won’t go away but I can learn to deal with them. My husband has accepted me fully for who I am but I have trouble with this.
- Date posted
- 3y
Wow, I relate so much! I am also happily married to my husband. I have sexual fantasies/dreams about women and my husband knows and isn't bothered. But it's painful, confusing, and isolating.
- Date posted
- 3y
Are any of you a Christian as well dealing with this?
- Date posted
- 3y
Yes!
- Date posted
- 3y
@GeckoGirl3 Me too. I read your comment above. Girly, you're not alone. I struggle with watching porn. I try not to but when I give in I usually focus on the woman. I think it's because I wish I could move like that on my husband. I also have low self esteem. I'm working on finding my identity in Christ.
- Date posted
- 3y
@ranchdoritos88 That sounds really hard. I know you're not alone. Praying for you!❤
- Date posted
- 3y
@GeckoGirl3 Praying for you too. I wish there was a way we could stay connected on here. Perhaps this thread?
- Date posted
- 3y
Yes!
- Date posted
- 3y
@ranchdoritos88 Yeah, I'm not sure if there's another way to stay connected!
- Date posted
- 3y
I am starting to realize that my fantasies about women have stemmed from being a teenager and I think they are because I was never confident in myself when it came to guys- I had many crushes on guys. I think fantasies about women were more comforting because well it’s a woman’s body just like mine and it wasn’t as intimidating. Then once I started having them I just did it because I knew it was what I could get myself off to without feeling intimated or not attractive about myself. Anyone else feel this way?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 24w
I went out last night with a couple of girlfriends. One of them is contemplating divorcing her husband bc of a drinking problem (she is straight) and made a joke about running off and joining the “lesbian island”. She then continues to say “making out with a girl is one thing” but that she could never actually BE with a woman sexually, etc. Well… this has triggered my SO OCD significantly because I’m thinking, well why does she think it’s okay to just kiss/make-out if she doesn’t identity as bisexual? I mean she is beautiful and I’ve heard all my straight friends say the same thing. So I start to worry by thinking, well I find her very attractive - does that mean I want to make out with her and see what she’s talking about? Just to note, I also identify as straight and am married. So this is just so damn frustrating and confusing. Especially bc society shows women kissing all the time on reality tv shows etc (who present themselves as straight). So now I’m having intrusive thoughts and making myself think sexual things to “check” if I’m still straight. Ughh..any advice would be greatly appreciated. And if someone could please explain why a straight woman would make such a comment - that would be very helpful.
- Date posted
- 16w
I struggle with HOCD or SOOCD. I’m a married young woman to an amazing husband. I’ve had this since I was 16 but it only came in flair ups. However this round started in October, and it’s been really rough and I would just break down all the time. I went up on my medication and I actually noticed a difference! My thoughts were still very present but I wasn’t really paying attention to them or giving them power. HOWEVER right when I thought I was getting better, my brain started feeling and saying to myself that I just know I am bi but you want to make excuses for it like “oh it’s normal to find someone hot since we as a society have an interpretation of what that looks like” or “I see the girl as myself and that’s what ‘turns’ me on” or “well I mean that girl looks kind of like a man” and it’s it’s making me spiral. I won’t ever come out as Bi as deep in my soul I don’t feel I am. I have always wanted to be with men sexually and romantically and that has not changed but my brain is making me believe I am and I just don’t want to admit it. Please help me, what has helped you?
- Date posted
- 13w
I am very depressed right now. I really feel like maybe I’ve always been a lesbian and never knew. I never questioned my sexuality when I was young, never wanted to explore, I just was straight and didn’t think anything about it, that’s just what it was. I had my first soocd spiral in late high school but didn’t have a name for it, just that I was having intrusive thoughts and it was killing me that maybe I was gay. I can’t exactly remember how I got out of that but I continued to have crushes, talking stages, and dated. It went away and that was that I guess. Looking back now I definitely was still avoiding content and certain people, and still had intrusive thoughts but didn’t think I was gay. I guess they were less sticky. Something about me is that I’ve never had a boyfriend and I’m a virgin. I’m very shy and romanticize things like I love the relationships and scenarios I read about or that I see in movies or the thirst traps online haha. So I want that irl but am disappointed when that doesn’t happen. I have a very interactive daydream (started when I was 13 and still continued that fantasy world now too) with a boyfriend, friends, and a prettier version of me. I enjoyed making up scenarios about sex or romance in those daydreams and fantasies, but when it came to real life, I would get shy or scared when things were starting to get serious with men. I thought maybe this was an avoidant attachment style but now I’m not sure. I never considered female fantasies and I still don’t want to right now. I want to test and see which one I like better, but I’m afraid I’ll find that I’m a lesbian and I really don’t want that. Ive always imagined myself with a man but now I’m worried about comphet. I’m really depressed and I can’t tell because yes, I find some women attractive whether it’s their makeup, face, body, aesthetic, but I never thought that meant I was attracted to them in a sexual or romantic way until this spiral. Now I’m afraid of masc lesbians and pretty women because it triggers me. But I’m also afraid because I feel like I can look at attractive men, but I don’t feel the same way anymore. I can’t even daydream about them bc then my brain inserts a woman. I’m really scared that I’ve lost myself, because I truly feel like I have, but I don’t want to explore with women, I just want to like men, I’ve always liked that idea. But so many lesbians talk about liking celebrities, fantasy men, or just attractive men. Sorry for the rant but I’m struggling a lot right now. I feel like all my memories, even the ones that directly contradict being a lesbian, can be explained away by comphet, internal homophobia, denial, suppression, etc. When I do try and accept uncertainty, sometimes it feels ok, but then something will trigger me and I’m back at square one. I’m afraid if I take my meds I’ll discover something about myself that I don’t want to because I’ve always been depressed and avoidant of life because it never lives up to my expectations. My sexuality is on my mind 24/7! I can’t take it!
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