My retroactively jealousy is ridiculous. Why does my girlfriend’s sexual past cause me so much pain? It’s not like I thought she was a virgin before we started dating. She told me about things and at first it was fine and then it became real and it’s been my biggest theme ever since. I feel like the only way I could ever feel relief is to reach into the past and erase the events. I get such vivid images of her fucking other guys in numerous different ways. Of how they felt her skin and how she sucked their dicks and how her first time was with a boyfriend who was horrible to her and how all those men are out there with the memory of having penetrated her, how her moans sounded, having spread their sperm inside her and all over her body. I fucking hate this so much. I am going fucking insane. I looked all over the house yesterday for my knife so I could cut myself but I gave up because I couldn’t find it. How do you even apply ERP to something that already happened? To something that you don’t even know why it hurts you so much? I don’t understand myself. It seems so ridiculous and irrational. I’m such a joke.

Can anyone relate to this type of ROCD? It’s like i obsess of my partners past, I’ve spent probably 100 hours over the last 3 years asking him about girls he was with before me questioning him about every little detail and seeking reassurance. I don’t want to think about these girls at all. And I’ve been in ERP since August and was doing really good and not sure if it’s just getting bad again the last few days because of the holiday (Easter) and i had to go to his hometown where I know he had a past in and he recently brought a ring which I’m so excited about but it just seems like it’s getting harder for me and i don’t wanna be talking about girls he dated for a few months before me when we are about to get engaged. Am i ruining my future? What can I do to help and to not bring up stuff about the girls before me? How can I be in the moment and not relate everything to an irrelevant girl before me? Help

I’m gonna try to make this make sense, and any support or advice would be great. I have a beautiful girlfriend, who I’ve been dating off and on for a year. We were really rocky but got our shit figured out 4 months ago and have been strong since. I truly love this girl more than I’ve loved anyone. And I know based off the sheer amount of ocd that has come up on our relationship, that she means a lot to me. Me and her were in a friend group in 2022 and we never liked each other. However she had a sexual relationship with one of my old friends. Fast forward to now I haven’t talked to him in a long time and I don’t see it as an issue. However… I keep having this vivid flashback to him touching her some kinda way in 2022. I can’t remember exactly what happened or the details but it’s running through my head. I guess this is retroactive jealousy but it’s really almost hurting my feelings. I wish it would stop but I know ocd doesn’t work that way. I just wanna be happy with my girl and not upset at her past experiences

New member here. I realize this Retroactive Jealousy OCD topic is not thoroughly discussed and most therapists are unfamiliar with this OCD. This is perhaps the most painful form of OCD, and most people have no idea how or why people have these irrational obsessive thoughts. Here is my story in detail. Many of you might be able to relate. 12 years ago I was a 38 years old divorced man with 2 small children. I had been divorced for 4 years, during which time a had a few relationships and had sex regularly with the women I dated. One day I met a wonderful woman and fell in love with her. She was same age as me, and similar divorce and dating experiences. Everything was perfect in the beginning just like any new relationships. 2 months into the relationship I decided that we should disclose our body count and experiences (for transparency). I was only interested in the period after our divorce because we had both been with our ex spouse for over 15 years and stuff before that was borderline pre-adult stuff. Coincidentally 6-8 for both of us. Only difference is I had 2 serious relationships and she had none. She had 1 one-nighter with a friend and a “friends with benefits” situation with 1 other guy. The rest were short 1x and 2x experiences, just like me. Granted we were both in our mid 30s so this stuff shouldn’t shock anyone. For some reason I began fixating on that 1 nighter and friend with benefits. That 1-nighter happened a few months after her divorce and was with an old guy (54) from another country. I felt sickened and kept imagining their sex act. I asked her how it was and she said she was lonely and it was a bad choice. I kept obsessing over it. Maybe she liked older men? Next I started ruminating over her Friend with Benefits which went on for 2 years. They dated briefly but she said she was never in love. Neither wanted a relationship but happens to meet up a few times a year and ended up having sex. This friend was extremely threatened once he found out about me. I felt maybe her connection with him was stronger or maybe sex was so good she couldn’t avoid him. She said no. In fact she decided to end all contact with him and he freaked out. But I felt insecure and I felt extreme pain when I thought about her having sex with these people. I thought it was very unlike her to do that. She felt I was judging her. We had our first fight. I broke up with her. Same day I regretted my actions and clearly it was my issue. I begged her for her forgiveness. I started therapy to figure out what was wrong. Clearly Retroactive Jealousy OCD was relatively unknown 12 years ago. The psychiatrist considered it a form of OCD and treated it accordingly. With the combination medication and therapy I was able to conquer it in 8 months. We got married and next month we will celebrate our 11th year wedding anniversary. But the story is not over. In March of this year I suffered a nervous breakdown, mainly due to severe. personal and professional stress. All my OCDs came back literally overnight. So now I’m being treated again and it has been very difficult. This is work in progress. I’m not out of the woods yet. I am on serotonin and therapy 3x a week. Hopefully in due time, I’ll get better…again.