My retroactively jealousy is ridiculous. Why does my girlfriend’s sexual past cause me so much pain? It’s not like I thought she was a virgin before we started dating. She told me about things and at first it was fine and then it became real and it’s been my biggest theme ever since. I feel like the only way I could ever feel relief is to reach into the past and erase the events. I get such vivid images of her fucking other guys in numerous different ways. Of how they felt her skin and how she sucked their dicks and how her first time was with a boyfriend who was horrible to her and how all those men are out there with the memory of having penetrated her, how her moans sounded, having spread their sperm inside her and all over her body. I fucking hate this so much. I am going fucking insane. I looked all over the house yesterday for my knife so I could cut myself but I gave up because I couldn’t find it. How do you even apply ERP to something that already happened? To something that you don’t even know why it hurts you so much? I don’t understand myself. It seems so ridiculous and irrational. I’m such a joke.

I think the way they would apply ERP to this is to get you to change the way you respond to those thoughts. It’s very likely that there’s something compulsive you’re doing in response to the intrusive thoughts when it first pops up— for example, my boyfriend has told me he used to lie and cheat in previous relationships until he went to therapy a few years ago. Sometimes something reminds me of that, and it makes me uncomfortable, and I feel like I have to really THINk about it to make sure or CHECK that it doesn’t affect my image of him or that he’s not going to cheat on me or something. So the compulsive behavior is that I try to imagine what he was thinking, what he said to her, I try to vividly imagine them having a whole conversation, imagine exactly what he did, how he felt about cheating, whether or not he’s ever had those thoughts about me, etc. But the more I do that the more the intrusive thoughts disturb me. So I am trying to resist thinking about it more whenever the thought comes up. Like I have to say “oh, I don’t like that idea, but thinking about it more will not help me” and try to get back to what I’m doing in real life. It’s super hard though. Sometimes using a mantra like “what matters is I trust him right now the past doesn’t matter” helps, but that’s kind of a reassurance.

Remember that the problem isn’t that you can’t bear the knowledge that she was with other men—you have the ability to cope with fleeting discomfort about it just like anyone else. The problem is that you are having trouble with how often this is on your mind, and the longer it’s on your mind, the more bothersome it becomes, and the sensation of no escape is very distressing. So your focus needs to be on figuring out how to decrease the time spent thinking about it, rather than necessarily reducing the pain that occurrs when it IS on your mind.

@jello86 Thanks for your comment. The frequency and duration of this topic being on my mind has been a big part of my struggle, but it’s also the vividness of the mental movies. They eclipse reality. “It’s just a thought” becomes a meaningless phrase. It’s scary *because* it’s a thought. It can hit you at any time and doesn’t have to follow the rules of logic. And for me, they feel so real. This is not just the case with bad thoughts. My mental imagery in general is so vivid. It has been an asset in some cases, but it’s often a burden. The other problem is just that the thoughts come with a history of hurt for me. I’ve hurt so much at the thoughts that they also bring to mind the hurt I’ve already felt and the possibility of having episodes like that again. I guess the phrase “anxiety about anxiety” could be evoked here.

I have the same thing it's torturing. What I'm trying to do is focus on our sexual relationship, how he shows to me the he wants me, what he says to me, our games etc etc. If you focus on what's happening right now, it could be helpful. Because what you are having right now with this girl could be something her ex or anyone could be jealous of, but YOU have it so enjoy it. Also, you also had a past. If you come to think of your own past, you'll understand that it doesn't affect in any way how you feel about her. So this applies to her. No matter what she has done, you have done it too and it doesn't exist it's past. I don't know if I help, I have too many insecurities and overthink all those things you ve mentioned but maybe I'm also talking to myself right now. When you think of this stuff, just slow down. It's like putting your mind out to see how it's gonna react , you know that the reaction will be the same. don't feed it too much. Recognize the thought but let it go ! And slow down!!!

I’m kind of in a different position in that I don’t have a past as such and my girlfriend and I abstain for religious reasons. I will avoid talking too much about that, because I will get more into ruminating, though. I vented to my girlfriend today (not about retroactive jealousy specifically, just about OCD and depression) and I feel a bit better. This theme has been so tough though. I know it will flare up again which is what scares me.