My partner and I just had a date night. Despite enjoying myself I still couldn't stop obsessing and mentally checking my attraction to him, my sexuality, etc. Which is the loop my brain has now been stuck on for over 2 years. :/ why does soocd have to be so hard?

Anyone who has had sexual orientation OCD since the “dating age” (middle school/high school)— how did you ever determine your sexuality? I don’t want reassurance because I understand our experiences may be different. I’m just curious— did you try boys and girls? Did you just find your person and know? I started having SOOCD at age 16 and I’m now 28. OCD has ruined my ability to date more than anything else. I feel like it stole my chance at love. I’ve had three long-term situationships with men. I adored them but they were also toxic because I think I subconsciously didn’t believe I deserved better. I felt that if I knew the relationship wouldn’t work because of fundamental differences, at least it was okay that I couldn’t fully be present in the relationship. Not sure if this makes sense, but I’m just grieving that part of my life I missed out on.

So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.

I have a lot of trouble with my sexuality. I’ve been trying to figure out my sexuality for years. I’ve dated a man, and I wasn’t really into the whole time. And since then I’ve thought that maybe I’m a lesbian because I’m attracted to women, which I know for sure. But then my brain spirals, I constantly think back ti memories with my ex, how I felt with him, I check how it makes me feel. I often google to see if other lesbians have felt similar, I ask ChatGpt over and over again. I feel like I have to be 100% certain or that im faking for attention, or thst I’ll end up with a man. I guess im wondering has anyone else felt like this ? What’s been your experience how do you manage it?