I’m at dinner with my family and I feel horrible. I don’t want to be here because I feel like I don’t deserve to eat or be happy or have a good time with my family. My past has been haunting me for so long. I feel so much guilt. I don’t think I could ever be free from this. I hate myself and I want to give up because my mind is doing everything in its power to find proof that I’m a monster and I’m scared that my past mistakes make me one 💔

Does anyone feel like they’re fighting a war inside of them? I’ve slowly opened up to people about my past and things that happened ( I never thought I would ) but at times, I value truth and honesty and wanting to be a good person and this is something I just want to let go of because I’ve suffered with the guilt and shame and regret but my mind keeps on dwelling on it and bringing it back. Like I’m a fraud. This implies to all my mistakes that I’ve learned from. I normally tell my mom things but I don’t want to tell her these things. I love her and don’t want to bring shame upon my family or for this to be brought up over and over again. I did stupid things without logically thinking and I have the best mom ever and she trusted me with things when I was younger. I made mistakes with that trust and it makes me upset. I now feel like I’m ideally the “ideal” kid for my family and I wish to stay like that no matter my age. I’ve been trying to mange with my childhood mistakes. The shame and guilt. I’m trying to be a bit more compassionate but there’s always the thought that scares me, what if I was really evil? I used to hate looking at pictures of myself when I was younger but now when I do, I finally realize what they meant by “you aren’t your worst mistake” because I’ve done good and I’ve also screwed up. But I feel like I’m fighting a war with myself because I value justice and truth and so but I don’t even wanna talk about this or bring it up and my mind keeps targeting it and it’s exhausting.

I genuinely feel like the worlds most horrible person deeply for my past actions in childhood and general mistakes I’ve made. I feel like I shouldn’t be here or there’s no hope for me despite doing right ( trying to do right ) I’ve wanted to open up to my mom about things from my past but when I was talking to her about a situation that happened just to share, she was like “Thank God you’ve never done anything like that” But really my past mistakes are worst. It’s like I feel like I should disappear. I don’t know how to deal with the guilt and I feel horrible. I’ve made good and bad decisions but despite this being a long time ago ( which doesn’t erase my stupid actions ) I still keep bringing back into the present and I’m filled with guilt I genuinely think it would be better if I wasn’t here. I wake up think about my past things and I’m filled with guilt and shame that maybe I am a bad person and voices don’t stop, they keep telling me a lot of things that I start to believe. It makes me upset that I did something like that in my past and I try to be understanding but I can imagine the reactions of people and being condemned so much. I literally do this to myself every single day and it’s exhausting I don’t know how you guys can treat me with so much compassion and understanding. It really doesn’t feel real or like I deserve it. Like even on nocd, it makes me feel worst because I come across comments that say “as long as it’s not —-“ or something and I compare it to my past and I feel like a horrible unacceptable person.

I've had a horrific subtype that has been affecting my day to day life. I think it's snuck in due to good things occurring in my life. If I can't forgive myself for my past, why should others? I'm happy knowing I'm not alone with these thoughts, but knowing it was OCD all along and I could have suffered so much less if I was diagnosed as a child... Decades worth of compulsive checking, thinking I'm worse than a monster... I just want to breathe normally again. I feel guilt with each breath. It's too much.