I literally have no reason to think this! I’ve never been attracted or had a crush on a girl! I don’t know why I keep worrying. All of the sudden I feel like my feelings for all my past crushes weren’t real. This sucks. I don’t know anything about myself anymore. It keeps trying to push this idea on my head. Like there is no reason for me to think that i am gay! The most possible “reason” would be finding women attractive, that’s it! But now I try to imagine my life partner and when I think of a guy a picture of a women quickly comes up. Sometimes I just wanna scream “I am gay” for no reason. Or when someone is talking about relationships I always think “I am different”. Or when someone talks about acceptance it really bothers me too. This is so bad, what am I even basing this idea on? Now, I it’s hard imagining a guy that I like, it’s weird. I feel like I am never going to like anyone again. Ugh this is draining me

I can’t anymore. I really can’t. The what if I am attracted to them. The “why does it have to be a man with a woman” (which by the way- I only now get when women are talking in love songs. And whenever I look at any couple). I am just tired. Tired of feelings like crap. I just want to go to what I was before, but was I like this before? Have I always been like this? I am tired. My anxiety levels are ALWAYS the worse at the morning. I am starting to obsess whether I like this friend now! And it doesn’t matter how much I try to accept it, it doesn’t go away. Like there is still something wrong. I hate this. I hate this so fucking much. At this point. How can I still be straight? I literally get triggered by everything. And how can I just not be gay? I have no reason to think that but it feels so real. It’s like I have no sexuality at all. And this is all that I can think about every single hour of my day. I am even thinking about this in dreams! I even wonder that the fact I am so upset right now is because I am scared of telling people and that they won’t accept me. When I don’t even know who I am myself. I am so done. What even is this? Have I always been like this? I am getting flashbacks and it’s telling me I have.

Geez, I seem to just be getting worse. I keep thinking what if I’ve been lesbian all my life but never payed attention to it. I mean it feels right to be with a man and have a boyfriend I want that. But why do I keep doubting it I just want this to end. I’ve never been a girly girly. I like cute clothes but I hate how it looks on me I feel so insecure. Same with make up. And I keep thinking maybe that’s evidence I could be lesbian. This all sounds ridiculous but why can’t I just accept the fact that I’m straight. I actually like being with boys and kissing them. I get aroused when I kiss them. So why is this happening?

I seriously have never thought about girls until now. It just never crossed my mind. I never liked or had feelings for a girl. And now that I’m constantly questioning everything and picturing everything. It just feels like I like it. It scares me, would I be happy with a girl ?? I don’t want to be with a girl but I feels like I do want this. It’s so confusing. I can’t tell whether this is actually ocd or I’m genuinely attracted to the same sex. I hate this so much !!! It’s like I just completely lost myself and questioned it so much I’ve just become lesbian but some things just don’t make sense. Why would I catch feelings for other boys? Never girls. I don’t know anymore. I’m happy with my boyfriend. Without these thoughts I’d be so good and so much more happy. Now I just don’t fucking know and this hurts so damn bad that I can’t just rest not one day. This is so damn stressful and hurtful to question your identity every single day. Sometimes I seriously just feel like I’m lesbian but I can’t seem to settle on that because I just can’t be. I want to just die. I hate what my mind is doing to me. I hate I have to go through these thoughts alone. I hate everything. I just want to crawl in a hole and never see anyone. I just want to hug my boyfriend and have my thoughts erased. I’ve thought too much and too deep I can’t stop. I’m crying from sadness because I don’t know what’s real anymore and I never in a million years thought this is something I’d have to deal with.