Having a serious panic attack and I have to go into work and I really don’t think I can do it. I offered to come in on my day off and now with the way I’m feeling I don’t know if it’s such a good idea but if I stay busy and talk to my friends I might be ok I don’t know. I started getting flashbacks to almost a year ago (on Feb 6th) to when my dad passed and I immediately started screaming and crying. My dad was there for me during my hard times with OCD and he was so supportive and understanding and didn’t judge and gave advice and now I feel so alone because my mom gets upset with me when I mention it at all and I don’t really have anyone else to talk to. My past mistakes are bothering me so much right now and all the “what if” thoughts I keep having about that certain event is making me want to give up which I’m not going to do don’t worry it’s just what I’m feeling. I don’t know what else to do. It doesn’t matter what anyone says to me, I can’t get passed it or forgive myself to move forward. I just can’t

Hey! I am in the same situation as you are! We can talk about it if you want to :)

So when I was a teenager I struggled with having a weird and embarrassing fetish about tickling which don’t ask. I’m not sure how it formed or where it came from but when I would look up the fetish I came across certain people like in memes or videos that are innocent but because I was also struggling with masturbation at the time I feel so horrible about it because I never had bad intentions and that I didn’t realize at the time at all was wrong it never occurred to me at all or never crossed my mind until I developed ocd. I feel so much guilt and shame and my ocd or whatever keeps trying to convince me I’m a monster and that I should be punished and also that I’m a “criminal” or that it was legally wrong. Im terrified because I never had bad intentions ever. I was young and so stupid. You’d think I would have known better and I didn’t. I’ve talked to my first therapist about it, my mom and also my dad before he passed. I’ve talked to my mom about it so much recently and I asked her if I was being too hard on myself and she said yes and that I should forgive myself and I’ve punished myself enough. I just want to go back and change everything. I never would have been through that if I had known better. Also when I got passed 18 I went back to ifunny (the app I used to look up the fetish) and I realized the characters or whatever I would come across were just weird and I was scared of the characters being younger and I stopped but a couple in particular that I came across during ya know, before I was 18 I believe I don’t remember but it’s been haunting me for years along with just having POCD in general has been torture. I hate myself and this has made me want to give up. I feel like I don’t deserve happiness, food, my friends or family or to even live. I would rather give up than ever become a monster. I just wish this would go away: I’m so sorry to just toss that on you like this but I feel like I’m going crazy and I can’t get any relief…I am going through therapy and I’m diagnosed and also taking medication but I’m having a hard time affording it right now and I haven’t talked to my current therapist about it yet but I have a session next Monday so I will hopefully get some help from her. What’s bothering you?