Ok I’m ruminating again. But I feel like this is valid. My ex and I had talked about a girl that I was pretty sure he liked. And he never said no I never liked her but he said it doesn’t matter because those feelings went away when he started dating me. We broke up when he moved home temporarily and then he started talking to her. Idk I feel like he was lying to me and gaslighting me but at the same time, we were broken up. We didn’t break up so he could date other people. But it still feels like I’m lying to myself and I’m being taken advantage of and I have no idea if this is something I need to heal from, like my low self esteem is making me feel this way or if he actually did screw me over and I need to be mad or upset with him. Either way I really just want to forgive him and move on but i feel so desperate for this to not be a big deal. And that’s making me feel like I’m just turning a blind eye.

I’m overanlazing alot of things. My first post on my profile covers everything but I’m so worried and like nervous reck of what my ex boyfriend could be doing. We are on no contact for almost 3 weeks now which is the longest we’ve ever gone. I’m getting so much into my head like if he already moved on, or if he’s talking with some girl already, or letting a girl hit on him. Or even going back to bad habits. It’s been driving me nuts for the past few days. I’m still mad at him for hurting me mentally but miss him too. I keep thinking there’s something wrong with me, wrong with the way I’m thinking, like I’m not normal for thinking these things. That he’d find me weird I wonder those things and that I check on his profile on instagram, just staring at it, blocking and un blocking him. I worry that maybe he doesn’t think of me anymore. And he just. Doesn’t care. I feel like an older version of him would say I’m being too much, that I’m overthinking to so many extents that even tho we are broken up, he’s single and so am I and I shouldn’t care this much about it. But I do. And I’m sure it’s because I’m still in love with him. Even if I’m mad and upset still.

We've been together for nearly 6 months now, but our start wasn't easy. We began as friends who both liked each other but also liked someone else more. I made the conscious decision to let go of that person, but it was not the same on his side. He didn't know that I liked him back, and had absolutely no inkling that he ever had a chance, so at one point he openly told me that he found her more attractive than me because he thought it wouldn't matter since I "didn't like him anyway." He doesn't even remember that conversation but profusely apologized for saying something so dehumanizing and thoughtless when I eventually brought it up. At one point I even told him to ask her out before we continued further (after I finally confessed) because I convinced myself he'd resent me if he didn't fully explore that option. He thought that was unusual and hated that I may think of myself as a second option (not remembering that he himself had basically already put me in that position), but did it because I was so insistent. These things only became relevant again when I told him to stop calling me "the prettiest girl in the world" a while ago. I don't have a lack of confidence in my looks whatsoever, it's more-so my personality that I worry about, but whenever he said that it would make me so angry because I already knew of someone he thought was prettier. Especially because that comment he said so mindlessly that he even forgot about it, replays in my head so often. He's started saying it again recently, now that we've said our I love you's and are publicly an item to everyone we know. I almost found myself really believing it because I know he loves me. It was fine up until she returned from vacation and now stays in the same building as him, while I'm still stuck at home until it's time to return for the semester. She's been gone the entire time that our bond deepened, but now I'm constantly bothering myself with thoughts of secret insincerity on his part. That now that she's back he'll be enamored by her all over again. That he only likes me so much because she wasn't in the picture. That he'll leave me for her the second he gets a chance even though I know she has no interest. I just feel the need to get this off my chest because I don't want to tell anyone around us and risk them disliking him over something he's deeply apologized for that I should rationally know he doesn't believe anymore. I don't really want to bring it up with him either, for fear of coming off as overly jealous or territorial now that she's back, but I have a tendency to torment myself with misinterpretation of his feelings unless I directly speak with him about it unfortunately. I'll end up brainstorming how to approach it eventually, but it feels so icky right now.

Sometimes my boyfriend tells me things that make absolutely no sense so I think he’s lying. Anyway. He used to be friends with this girl like 2 and a half years ago and they were only friends for like 2 months. He told me she played with his feelings but he never actually liked her and he just wanted friends because he was new to the school. I guess they had exchanged numbers and when he’d text she’d ghost him a little. They made plans to hangout after school one time but those fell through. Anyway, my boyfriend was interested in me half way through the school year, he really liked me, like a lot. He was a senior and I was a junior. He was really good to me and I never felt insecure. The girl was never relevant until maybe a year ago? She had created an insta account which she never used to have and she was in his insta suggestions. They had no mutuals or anything which made me suspicious. One of his close friends is friends with her. I started stalking her page a lot and comparing. She listens to the same exact music as my boyfriend and she’s literally flawless. I’d bring her up a few times over the course of a few months and he always told me that she was ugly and he just wanted a friend. He went to a party she was at and ik the mutual girl friend they have posts her sometimes. Anyway, I looked at her story today because I started overthinking again and she had posted pictures of herself to the song beetles by apex twin. I also brought her up to my boyfriend again because I was overthinking. She goes by Gracie and everyone calls her that but her real name is grace. My boyfriend will switch between the two when talking about her. He says grace is just a typo though. A few hours later my boyfriend had listened to that same exact song, it was on his airbuds. It was the only song by aphex twin on his airbuds too. I want to throw up because there’s no way he didn’t view her story, that’s was too coincidental. Update: he said he saw the sound in an edit but there’s only like 80 posts under that sound on TikTok and I didn’t see an edit. He can’t find the edit in his watch history either. He originally said he saw it on TikTok but I said there’s no edits of it on TikTok and it’s not in his watch history so now he’s saying it might’ve been on YouTube or instagram. He said he doesn’t know her insta account either but now we’re arguing. He wants me to leave because I never believe him. I confront him about something new everyday even though I really don’t mean to be a burden.