Ok I’m ruminating again. But I feel like this is valid. My ex and I had talked about a girl that I was pretty sure he liked. And he never said no I never liked her but he said it doesn’t matter because those feelings went away when he started dating me. We broke up when he moved home temporarily and then he started talking to her. Idk I feel like he was lying to me and gaslighting me but at the same time, we were broken up. We didn’t break up so he could date other people. But it still feels like I’m lying to myself and I’m being taken advantage of and I have no idea if this is something I need to heal from, like my low self esteem is making me feel this way or if he actually did screw me over and I need to be mad or upset with him. Either way I really just want to forgive him and move on but i feel so desperate for this to not be a big deal. And that’s making me feel like I’m just turning a blind eye.

Relationship OCD

hgreen2017

Date posted: 3y

I definitely agree that being compassionate with yourself will help! Great job pulling back from the thoughts and thinking what would help. I will say I have relationship OCD too, and with my ex I struggled a lot with identifying what was OCD and what was him being a harmful person. If he is actually hurting you, don’t ignore it due to OCD. I try to keep a firm touch with my real feelings so I know if I am obsessing over a feeling or if something is actually hurting.

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

Yeah I think that’s the hardest part. I can recognize that his humanness will sometimes hurt me, but there really is nothing toxic going on. I’m always able to talk to him about anything hurting me and he is understanding. I just sometimes will convince myself that he’s being manipulative and just saying that he understands. Idk.

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

@Cassandragoth Like for example, I’m a much more emotional and sensitive person than he is. He doesn’t need affection as much as I do so it will hurt me when he doesn’t hug me all the time. But I can talk to him about this and he is understanding and tries to get better at showing more affection while also setting a boundary that he personally needs. Like this is a normal thing that happens in relationships but I convince myself that it means we are extremely incompatible and if he loves me enough he would naturally know what I need.

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

I actually think I’m asking for reassurance

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

Ok here’s what I think I need and could use some help.. I think I need to be compassionate with myself and allow myself to be upset that this situation happened. I don’t feel like I need to hate him or I’m doing myself a disservice if I forgive him. I don’t think he’s a bad person for doing this. I don’t think he’s manipulative. I do think that my brain is trying to protect itself. I do think having this thought process is an attempt at avoiding this so I don’t have to feel this way again. I do think it sucks that he did this. I don’t think this makes him evil or a terrible person.

jello86

Date posted: 3y

I think you’re totally right—give compassion to yourself that your brain is throwing all kinds of scary thoughts at you because this is an emotionally difficult time, and acknowledge that the actual content of the thoughts don’t matter. You are sad you broke up. Whether he liked this girl or not, etc, does not make a difference—“maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not.” You don’t need to “figure this out,” because you can’t think away the way you are feeling right now. I know this is really hard ❤️ Sometimes it helps me to say “thinking about this / trying to figure this out won’t help me right now”

Cassandragoth

Date posted: 3y

I could use any tips for working on self esteem or anxious attachment issues.

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