Idk what to do. I feel sick. I… feel stupid and hurt. My first love came back into my life after leaving. I thought he would only want a friendship but he was still interested this was all online in the span of a year. We had never seen eachother in video. It was always pictures and i had makeup/ filters etc. well i thought it was time to show him myself. So no makeup no bonnet. I sent a video. He said i looked different. First sayinf 50% now saying 30%. I feel pretty hideous rn. He said he was still attracted to me sexually but i feel like he was lying. We are usually extremely sexual with eachother and it just didn’t feel the same since yesterday. He has alot of females interested in him and today he was playing with his friends and one of those females who i think is interested in him, im not sure what he thinks. He makes lots of sexual jokes to both sexes but seeing him do it with her, (and after i showed myself whoch im super insecure about even had to do an exposure about this in therapy) kind of sucks. I feel like he doesn’t want me anymore and weve barely texted all day. I feel like hes forcing himself to want me and have been going crazy in my head. Im afraid im in denial and this reminds me of when my ocd got bad again. I feel like crying, like hitting myself on the head. Like i do love this guy and maybe I shouldn’t have lwt myself fall for him w/o him seeing me? Do women even wear bonnets when their guys around? Im just so fucked inwardly rn. I want a hug or to talk to someone about it but it’s embarrassing. The guy i like decides that he doesn’t want me after seeing me for the first time? His words say he doees but his actions feel of.

So I relapse bad 1 time a week now at least and it’s awful. I was ok til I wasn’t this week again. Monday I was crying bc I wanted to be me again and I found tactics to stop my thoughts. I’d be like “well the real me before these thoughts wouldn’t think that” and I’d be ok. But then today I was at school bouta leave and was doing so well. A guy drove by in a pick up and had wut looked like a tan face w rosey cheeks. I had some mini thoughts but I let em pass over until another one came in and I engaged My brain was then like: “oh he has the cute rosey cheeks and tan skin you’d want him coming up to you and flirting bc you want those guys liking you” and it felt rlly real and then saw bro get outs his car and realized he was short and kinda ugly, my mind was then like “it doesn’t bother u now tho bc he’s uglier and shorter than you thought. I bet hair he’s wut you pictured him as you would still rlly want him.” Then I felt awful and then 0.2 seconds later I realized I love my man and wouldn’t want any guy coming up to me. So I tried to chill and let it sit, but then it persisted bc I’m awful. Then I tried to be like “old me would’ve wanted that anyways, but it was like “ye but rn you was kinda real you and felt like it was true. Then I got home and was like old me would’ve never. Then my brain said “I bet if he woulda appeared last yr when you had a huge crush on ur man before u were officially together you woulda talked to jk m in class and found him cute and started crushing for him over ur man” th en my brain like vividly imagined it and it felt true I hate it and then ad the day went on it felt more and more like id want that guy, and it says bc I think he’s cuter then my man bc this guy had the rosy cheeks and tan face. I feel so awful bc even now (many hours later) I feel awful bc my man gets down thinking he’s not enough and wants me to just love him fully but I do and that’s all I want. And I feel awful bc my brain convinces me stuff against him around me are a sign or smth. And u feel terrible he deserves all my love and I love when I can give it all and I wanna cry when it feels there’s someone else there I like or smth. For example it still feels as tho I want the rosy cheeked guy or smth and I’m never gonna find a him and be upset forever. I hate it. I wanna be repulsed by all men that aren’t my man. Why’d it feel true I don’t want it to. And I hate that sometimes I’m unable to decipher if I even want it or not. It’s the worst cycle ever I hate it. How to I fix is it really ocd do I really care ab my man how even can I if I feel like this so often. He even said “sometimes I wonder maybe I’m not the right person or smth. Like if you were with that person maybe this wouldn’t happen” yet no I can’t I love my man😞 pls help Aldo does medication work i wanna get on it to get better

I really need help. My brain is torturing me right now. Basically me and my boyfriend went through a really rough patch and he wasn’t communicating what was wrong and I started to just lose feelings and not feel how I used to which was the most upsetting thing because I swear we are soulmates. Anyway so we broke up for like a day before he realized he’s really sad without me and he is finally willing to work on communication and our issues and this is the most I’ve really ever felt he notices it this time. I am supposed to go see him and he is so excited and I’m freaking out. I want to see him but I keep thinking how it’s triggering for me cause I don’t want to go back to that rough patch cause it lasted a long time. I want to try again but I also feel like it’s easier to just run away from everything. It feels like I got to know his personality but that isn’t fair to say because now he’s aware and wants to change. I’m scared because I know feelings can come back and I hope mine can cause right now I just keep replaying the past and the bad stuff. He seems really willing to work on it this time which should make me so happy but I’m also so scared things will go back to how they were and I’m worried if I’m this anxious my body is telling me he isn’t right for me and that it’s not ocd which would really upset me because I’ve had such hope. I know my feelings started to go away but that’s cause of how we were to each other and now we are aware of the problem. Does it mean I shouldn’t be with him if the thought of trying again makes me so anxious or is that just the fear? I wish this wanting to work through things happened before I felt like this and now I’m scared I won’t get it back. I’m also scared that there is someone out there better for me and by being with him I’m blocking that. But the thought of being without him makes me so sad. I want to try to see him differently and maybe see it’s different but I’m scared it’s not. I’m afraid of a million things. What if it’s too late and I can’t get my feelings back? What if I’m forever anxious around him? What if being with him prevents me from meeting other people? I haven’t seen him in a while cause he was away and people say I won’t know how I feel till I see him. It feels like once I get there I already know though that I’ll have the same thoughts and won’t be able to get back to how I felt because it became uncomfortable but I’ve heard I’m anticipating it. I’m scared it’s gut and not ocd

Right now, my boyfriend and I are going through a tough phase. I’ve always been very clingy and dependent — I know it, and so does he. It’s really important to me that he remembers this also makes me very vulnerable. I’m trying my best to work on this relationship, but along the way, I started to lose who I am. Meaning: I pushed away my friends, I stopped reading as much, and I’m not sleeping well, all so that we could spend more time together. In today’s conversation, he told me that he wants me to do things on my own — start writing again, reading, going out with friends. He said it’s healthy and good for me. And I agree, of course I do. But it’s the other things he said that hurt me: 1. He told me that his friends and I are on the same level in his priorities. 2. He said he’s okay with not texting me throughout the day, and okay if we talk less than three hours (we’re long-distance and only see each other once every few months). 3. He would spend time with his friends first, and only then talk to me — even when he knows I have to go to sleep soon because of work. (And even if I didn’t have work, why am I still at the end of his list?) 4. I got sick, and he didn’t text me during the day to ask how I was feeling — but he did go out with a friend. It’s killing me to see how he doesn’t seem to care about this relationship as much as I do. I just want to feel loved and cared about. And sometimes im feeling like im too harsh on him. He said that sometimes I make it hard for people to love me, because I focus too much on finding signs that they don’t. But I just know deep down, that he doesn't care Or maybe he does. And maybe this is not ocd, maybe it is, idk Im just very very sad bc of it and I needed to let it out.