I‘m so tired of always scanning my acts, thoughts, fantasies, desires for malicious intent. I‘m so tired of knowing that when I‘ll go down that spiral staircase, I‘ll never leave empty-hand. I‘m so tired of dragging doom around like a ghost that will not leave. I‘m so tired of not knowing anymore how to let myself be. I‘m so jealous of past me, I‘m so jealous of my past OCD themes – until I realize it’s always been the same. My heart dropping me to the floor and me trying to pick it up again. Always dragging myself back into the loop somehow. But: not hating myself for it anymore. I often feel human again, and goodness seeps in. I faintly recall being completely alright. I sometimes am completely alright. I let unspeakable terrors pass. Sending love to you, I know this is unspeakably hard.