Hello everyone! My name is Paul, I'm 29 year-old guy from Russia. English is not my native language, so I apologize for grammar. Anyway...I'll try to describe my problem. Currently I'm suffering from POCD, and I feel like I'm dying, it's really terrible and scary. This is just like one big mess in my head, and i feel really confused. Everything began 3 weeks ago, when I saw some news about pedofiles on YouTube. After that a thought just popped up in my head: "What if i might become or already be a pedofile?!" I said: "naah, bullshit seems I'm just tired", and I went to sleep. On the next day I woke up with anxiety and this thought. Later on after few days my condition developed further and worsened, other symptoms added. I immediatly contacted my psycotherapist. I've been working with him for 7 years, and he helped me a lot, when I had hypohondria, HOCD, schizophrenia OCD etc.This time once again he explained everything, and told me what to do...but...I feel like I can't. Everytime when I try to do ERP, I stop it because of panic fear and anxiety. Even though doctor said that this is just OCD, I'm still confident that I'm turning into pedofile or have some sexual disorder. The reason that makes me think this way is that every symptom feels real..that groinal resonse, some sensations in body, very similar to sensations when you look at adult attractive girl. I can't say that I have real arousal but...I'm afraid that I feel attraction. It usually happens when I look at 11-14 year-old girls on the street. It's like: why am I looking there? Do I feel something, omg no, seems I have some sensations that looks like attraction...Am I attrected to this girl?! And it repeats over and over again hundred times during the day, I pay attention to every child, every young girl aged 11-15, afraiding that I might feel something. Feel tired and depressed, I don't want to be a pedofile, I wanna stay myself. My entire life I loved only adult girls, sometimes younger, sometimes older but not under age, and was happy living my sexual healthy heterosexual life. I will be really thankful for any words of support, or if you share expirience and thoughts, thank you for reading this.
