You're strong; i know you can get out of this cicle!! Wanting to break up it's like a defensive mechanism! You feel anxious, you want to escape anxiety so you want to escape by the situation!! But you feel anxious because of your thoughts and emotions!! You have to learn how to manage bad feelings, without being scared!! There are a lot of opportunities! Like Erp, cbt, books, apps, meditations etc!!
I just started ERP literally yesterday! I’ve tried it a couple of time already but i keep having these thoughts that are telling me “you don’t even have ocd, why are you doing this?” Or “ you don’t love your him and we’re not going to last so there’s no need for any of it” and it just make it all feel so real. Like if I’m lying to myself about loving him. It’s just so weird, my mind has convinced me that i don’t love him when deep down i know i do and if i lost him it would be the worst feeling ever.