TW Real Event OCD and POCD 18+ Don’t ignore…Please help Even if it’s not reassurance just please help somehow I feel like I’m going crazy because this has been bothering me for so long to the point I can’t focus and I feel like I deserve to give up… If back then I was a teenager with no bad intentions at all not even aiming to make a mistake but I make a really bad mistake but I didn’t know it at the time or didn’t know any better until much later than should I be worried? I had a embarrassing tickling fetish when I was younger and I would look it up on ifunny a lot and I would look up just the fetish itself and I also unfortunately struggled with masturbation at this time as well and I non willingly came across certain people or things I shouldn’t have even though they were innocent normal videos and memes or whatever, I guess you can say I was at the wrong place at the wrong time? I don’t know but I’m scared to death of the what if’s. What if it was immorally wrong and I deserve to die? I have talked to my first therapist and my mom about it and my mom said to let it go that I’m being way too hard on myself and that I’ve punished myself enough but I feel as though she is lying to me. I’m going to talk about it with my therapist tomorrow and I’m worried to talk about it but I’m so desperate for help at this point. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to be a monster? I never have and never will. I feel so much guilt and I know I would NEVER make the same mistakes again. But the thought of I was a monster back then and it makes me one now is absolutely terrifying 💔

I used to watch porn that I am not proud of.. I had a porn addiction and ended up watching things I would not watch now. So I’ve been struggling with a similar thing as you.. I don’t even wanna say what the porn was it makes me feel so gross.. 😔 I was a teenager and thought that it was harmless.. I’m really scared it’s affected me and that’s what these intrusive thoughts are caused by. My point is that I’m right there with you. I feel terrible and scared all the time about it.

It wasn’t porn for me though. It was a normal everyday thing that was a fetish for lots and lots of people but unfortunately when I was younger it was like a innocent cutesy kind of video of a father and his son on some playground thing and the kid was just being silly saying no no no no and the people in the background I’m guessing parents or whatever we’re laughing at the kids reaction because it was a video that millions of people have seen but when I would scroll on ifunny after I would look up the embarrassing word “tickle” and that’s it, it would automatically be on the feed but I believe that I watched it over and over and I didn’t realize at all at the time it was wrong at all. It was never an intention to do anything wrong I was just young, stupid and well because of the m word having to do with it, that’s what I’m afraid of and I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified. Maybe I’m overthinking it but the thing that everyone with pocd fears most ya know, the actual horrible thing, that was nothing like it I really hope because I would never do that. It wasn’t about the people at all for me or whoever was in the video or memes it was the fetish itself I was after. I don’t know if it was the reaction or what but if the m word would of had nothing to do with it, I wouldn’t be so freaked out right now.

Yeah unfortunately I think trauma is what caused pocd for me

@Just Breathe ❤️ I have similar experiences, if not realizing how wrong it was to watch certain things until later on in the future. My best advice I can give is to try to forgive yourself and let the worry come to you and try to rest on that you didn’t realize how it’s something that’s wrong and that it’s as simple as you being young and not having the full understanding of why you’d see it as wrong in the future. I’m sorry I’m struggling to help bc I need help to😣

@anonnnn I don’t remember how old I was or how long ago. I came across a video and maybe two pictures that are considered innocent it wasn’t sexual content at all but it was the fetish that when I would scroll through it just happened to be there but because of the m word, I’m terrified of what if I was a monster because of that. I’m on the end of my rope. I’m losing my mind

@_anonymous_075 Hey I just saw your comment. Thank you for understanding. Im absolutely terrified right now. I can’t forgive myself if it was equivalent to the really bad thing that monsters willingly do if that makes sense. All of this because of a stupid fetish too. I wish I would have known back then. It would of never happened

it only happend once for me, i don’t know how many times it was for you, but i hope you know that there are others like you

I know but I’m so scared of what if it’s equivalent to the really bad thing I hate even saying it but cp. I would rather die. I would never be able to forgive myself. But deep down I don’t think so but then I keep thinking what if. I don’t know. I’m really terrified

i don’t want to reassure you, maybe it is as bad as cp, maybe it’s not. i think it would be differnet if you were older, but you weren’t. what matters now is that you know it’s wrong and won’t do it again.

But I wasn’t doing it intentionally to do that. I don’t even remember how old I was and I’m scared of what if I was above 18 and I don’t remember. I don’t think I was but it was so long ago. I feel so horrible I don’t feel good. I feel like I have to leave forever. I don’t want it to be that bad. I never did

If that’s the case and it was that bad then I can’t do this anymore. I feel so defeated and I hate myself with a passion

@Just Breathe ❤️ please just wait until tomorrow, you can talk to your therapist and she’ll help you with this. please know that you know it’s wrong now and that matters the most

@anonnnn I just don’t understand how I didn’t know better back then and I should have. How could I have been so stupid?

i feel the same way with my real event too. i felt so much unbearable guilt and sometimes i still do. you don’t need to understand how you didn’t know better then, you need to know that you know better now

I get that I truly do. I would never do anything like that again knowing what I know now but the past hurts so much the guilt is so unbearable

If I’m not mistaken, you had a tickling fetish and watched innocent tickling videos when you were younger to m-word to? I can’t read your mind of course but maybe it had to do more about the action than the people involved.