- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
I used to watch porn that I am not proud of.. I had a porn addiction and ended up watching things I would not watch now. So I’ve been struggling with a similar thing as you.. I don’t even wanna say what the porn was it makes me feel so gross.. 😔 I was a teenager and thought that it was harmless.. I’m really scared it’s affected me and that’s what these intrusive thoughts are caused by. My point is that I’m right there with you. I feel terrible and scared all the time about it.
- Date posted
- 3y
It wasn’t porn for me though. It was a normal everyday thing that was a fetish for lots and lots of people but unfortunately when I was younger it was like a innocent cutesy kind of video of a father and his son on some playground thing and the kid was just being silly saying no no no no and the people in the background I’m guessing parents or whatever we’re laughing at the kids reaction because it was a video that millions of people have seen but when I would scroll on ifunny after I would look up the embarrassing word “tickle” and that’s it, it would automatically be on the feed but I believe that I watched it over and over and I didn’t realize at all at the time it was wrong at all. It was never an intention to do anything wrong I was just young, stupid and well because of the m word having to do with it, that’s what I’m afraid of and I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified. Maybe I’m overthinking it but the thing that everyone with pocd fears most ya know, the actual horrible thing, that was nothing like it I really hope because I would never do that. It wasn’t about the people at all for me or whoever was in the video or memes it was the fetish itself I was after. I don’t know if it was the reaction or what but if the m word would of had nothing to do with it, I wouldn’t be so freaked out right now.
- Date posted
- 3y
Yeah unfortunately I think trauma is what caused pocd for me
- Date posted
- 3y
@Just Breathe ❤️ I have similar experiences, if not realizing how wrong it was to watch certain things until later on in the future. My best advice I can give is to try to forgive yourself and let the worry come to you and try to rest on that you didn’t realize how it’s something that’s wrong and that it’s as simple as you being young and not having the full understanding of why you’d see it as wrong in the future. I’m sorry I’m struggling to help bc I need help to😣
- Date posted
- 3y
@anonnnn I don’t remember how old I was or how long ago. I came across a video and maybe two pictures that are considered innocent it wasn’t sexual content at all but it was the fetish that when I would scroll through it just happened to be there but because of the m word, I’m terrified of what if I was a monster because of that. I’m on the end of my rope. I’m losing my mind
- Date posted
- 3y
@_anonymous_075 Hey I just saw your comment. Thank you for understanding. Im absolutely terrified right now. I can’t forgive myself if it was equivalent to the really bad thing that monsters willingly do if that makes sense. All of this because of a stupid fetish too. I wish I would have known back then. It would of never happened
- Date posted
- 3y
it only happend once for me, i don’t know how many times it was for you, but i hope you know that there are others like you
- Date posted
- 3y
I know but I’m so scared of what if it’s equivalent to the really bad thing I hate even saying it but cp. I would rather die. I would never be able to forgive myself. But deep down I don’t think so but then I keep thinking what if. I don’t know. I’m really terrified
- Date posted
- 3y
i don’t want to reassure you, maybe it is as bad as cp, maybe it’s not. i think it would be differnet if you were older, but you weren’t. what matters now is that you know it’s wrong and won’t do it again.
- Date posted
- 3y
But I wasn’t doing it intentionally to do that. I don’t even remember how old I was and I’m scared of what if I was above 18 and I don’t remember. I don’t think I was but it was so long ago. I feel so horrible I don’t feel good. I feel like I have to leave forever. I don’t want it to be that bad. I never did
- Date posted
- 3y
If that’s the case and it was that bad then I can’t do this anymore. I feel so defeated and I hate myself with a passion
- Date posted
- 3y
@Just Breathe ❤️ please just wait until tomorrow, you can talk to your therapist and she’ll help you with this. please know that you know it’s wrong now and that matters the most
- Date posted
- 3y
@anonnnn I just don’t understand how I didn’t know better back then and I should have. How could I have been so stupid?
- Date posted
- 3y
i feel the same way with my real event too. i felt so much unbearable guilt and sometimes i still do. you don’t need to understand how you didn’t know better then, you need to know that you know better now
- Date posted
- 3y
I get that I truly do. I would never do anything like that again knowing what I know now but the past hurts so much the guilt is so unbearable
- Date posted
- 3y
If I’m not mistaken, you had a tickling fetish and watched innocent tickling videos when you were younger to m-word to? I can’t read your mind of course but maybe it had to do more about the action than the people involved.
- Date posted
- 3y
I happened to scroll through and seem them at the same time yes but there was other stuff too. Those just happened to be there at the same time. It had to do with the fetish not the people
Related posts
- Date posted
- 21w
Being exposed to taboo p*rn as young as first grade ruined my life and now ocd is making me pay for it. I have so much guilt for being a child/teen and looking at taboo stuff, and it was all fictional or anime or whatever but it was still so so gross. and I didn't realize It because I had been used to it at so young 🫠 I think what haunts me most is when I was a kid/young teen (like 12-14ish) and didn't have access to p*rn I'd imagine stuff similar to what I'd seen in the art. I can't even believe I'd imagine scenarios involving kid characters or whatever because it had been so normalized to me and I assumed it was normal since it was fiction. I'm 23 now so it's been a decade since I've done anything like that and I've never had the urge to since but still. I've NEVER been attracted to kids or had any urges or anything ever, even when I was addicted. The thought makes me want to vomit, I'd rather die than associate anything sexual with kids/minors and I think people who groom or assault kids are vile. But I still feel like the fact that I imagined stuff similar to the things I read sometimes when I was young is proof I'm a p*do. I don't think people would believe me if I said I'm not. I just feel like I don't deserve to live or that if I do, I'm living a lie. I know 'I was a kid too' but even when I was 13/14 I read/imagined stuff with characters younger than me because I thought it was normal. I'm so disgusted. I've had this theme for so long I'm starting to wonder if ocd is right. I feel too ashamed to tell my therapist.
- Date posted
- 12w
i feel like i have been posting a lot about this and i will try to stop since now but i just don't know where to start or what to do, and i can't take therapy right now either. my event is about something that did actually happen; i had a boyfriend and we had a 1.5 age difference (i know this sounds stupid) but the thing is that we both started to sext a lot since he was 14 and i was 15. we shared audios videos pictures ect and i don't know how to just let this go, even when i know that i never really forced him into anything and i was always constantly worried about him being comfortable, when to stop and ect. the memories keep coming back to my mind and the guilt is eating me up slowly because i keep thinking that i'm a predator or a groomer or something like that. i don't know how to deal with the what ifs either, lately i haven't stopped thinking what if i sexually harassed or sexually exploited him or something like that. how do i deal with the cycle of guilt and constant what ifs if i also feel like my event is worse than others i've seen? please help me with this. it's getting a lil tiring and even if somedays i know how to deal with this, i still get really triggered sometimes. this wouldn't even bother me before, i wish i could just get back in time before this theme popped into my mind. my life has been a hell since then and i live constantly scared and suicidal.
- Date posted
- 11w
Hello 😭, so uhm I’m kind of in the point of my POCD where I’m just tired. I just need to get it all out and get some sort of instruction of how to just idk live? So for me my childhood is pretty blurry. I have a few real event blended with false memory events there but other than that I’m a csa victim. And the way I tried to cope? By fetishising nyself, making CP of myself, seeing my life goal as being used, raped and a prostitue. Self destructive behaviour through talking to pedophiles and seeing my only worth as if I was sexually attractive. Which made me kind of numb to CP as a coping mechanism I guess. And heres’s where my main event of REOCD/false memory ocd comes in. I have a few events in my life when I’ve accidentally stumbled across CP ish mangas or just plan abuse and not had a big reaction. Some of them I even liked the story. And my ocd LOVES playing with it, making me truly believe I enjoy and get of from CP. I’ve also had quite a few dreams. A few days ago I had a dream about me getting triggered by something I did in the dream. Which I now can’t figure out if it actually was a dream. But also moments overall where I’ve unintentionally touched my private part while my siblings are in the room or when I found a guy 2 years younger than me pretty in 4th grade. Or a few of my only friends who turned out to be younger than me, and I had talked about sexual things (like fan fictions, my trauma ect) with them. AHSHB I absolutely hate ruminating and I’m tired so so so so so so tried 😭 idk help me? Please TT
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