Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

TW Real Event OCD and POCD 18+ Don’t ignore…Please help Even if it’s not reassurance just please help somehow I feel like I’m going crazy because this has been bothering me for so long to the point I can’t focus and I feel like I deserve to give up… If back then I was a teenager with no bad intentions at all not even aiming to make a mistake but I make a really bad mistake but I didn’t know it at the time or didn’t know any better until much later than should I be worried? I had a embarrassing tickling fetish when I was younger and I would look it up on ifunny a lot and I would look up just the fetish itself and I also unfortunately struggled with masturbation at this time as well and I non willingly came across certain people or things I shouldn’t have even though they were innocent normal videos and memes or whatever, I guess you can say I was at the wrong place at the wrong time? I don’t know but I’m scared to death of the what if’s. What if it was immorally wrong and I deserve to die? I have talked to my first therapist and my mom about it and my mom said to let it go that I’m being way too hard on myself and that I’ve punished myself enough but I feel as though she is lying to me. I’m going to talk about it with my therapist tomorrow and I’m worried to talk about it but I’m so desperate for help at this point. I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to be a monster? I never have and never will. I feel so much guilt and I know I would NEVER make the same mistakes again. But the thought of I was a monster back then and it makes me one now is absolutely terrifying 💔

aquarius_grl🤍

Date posted: 3y

I used to watch porn that I am not proud of.. I had a porn addiction and ended up watching things I would not watch now. So I’ve been struggling with a similar thing as you.. I don’t even wanna say what the porn was it makes me feel so gross.. 😔 I was a teenager and thought that it was harmless.. I’m really scared it’s affected me and that’s what these intrusive thoughts are caused by. My point is that I’m right there with you. I feel terrible and scared all the time about it.

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

It wasn’t porn for me though. It was a normal everyday thing that was a fetish for lots and lots of people but unfortunately when I was younger it was like a innocent cutesy kind of video of a father and his son on some playground thing and the kid was just being silly saying no no no no and the people in the background I’m guessing parents or whatever we’re laughing at the kids reaction because it was a video that millions of people have seen but when I would scroll on ifunny after I would look up the embarrassing word “tickle” and that’s it, it would automatically be on the feed but I believe that I watched it over and over and I didn’t realize at all at the time it was wrong at all. It was never an intention to do anything wrong I was just young, stupid and well because of the m word having to do with it, that’s what I’m afraid of and I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified. Maybe I’m overthinking it but the thing that everyone with pocd fears most ya know, the actual horrible thing, that was nothing like it I really hope because I would never do that. It wasn’t about the people at all for me or whoever was in the video or memes it was the fetish itself I was after. I don’t know if it was the reaction or what but if the m word would of had nothing to do with it, I wouldn’t be so freaked out right now.

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

Yeah unfortunately I think trauma is what caused pocd for me

aquarius_grl🤍

Date posted: 3y

@Just Breathe ❤️ I have similar experiences, if not realizing how wrong it was to watch certain things until later on in the future. My best advice I can give is to try to forgive yourself and let the worry come to you and try to rest on that you didn’t realize how it’s something that’s wrong and that it’s as simple as you being young and not having the full understanding of why you’d see it as wrong in the future. I’m sorry I’m struggling to help bc I need help to😣

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

@anonnnn I don’t remember how old I was or how long ago. I came across a video and maybe two pictures that are considered innocent it wasn’t sexual content at all but it was the fetish that when I would scroll through it just happened to be there but because of the m word, I’m terrified of what if I was a monster because of that. I’m on the end of my rope. I’m losing my mind

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

@_anonymous_075 Hey I just saw your comment. Thank you for understanding. Im absolutely terrified right now. I can’t forgive myself if it was equivalent to the really bad thing that monsters willingly do if that makes sense. All of this because of a stupid fetish too. I wish I would have known back then. It would of never happened

kanyefan123

Date posted: 3y

it only happend once for me, i don’t know how many times it was for you, but i hope you know that there are others like you

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

I know but I’m so scared of what if it’s equivalent to the really bad thing I hate even saying it but cp. I would rather die. I would never be able to forgive myself. But deep down I don’t think so but then I keep thinking what if. I don’t know. I’m really terrified

kanyefan123

Date posted: 3y

i don’t want to reassure you, maybe it is as bad as cp, maybe it’s not. i think it would be differnet if you were older, but you weren’t. what matters now is that you know it’s wrong and won’t do it again.

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

But I wasn’t doing it intentionally to do that. I don’t even remember how old I was and I’m scared of what if I was above 18 and I don’t remember. I don’t think I was but it was so long ago. I feel so horrible I don’t feel good. I feel like I have to leave forever. I don’t want it to be that bad. I never did

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

If that’s the case and it was that bad then I can’t do this anymore. I feel so defeated and I hate myself with a passion

kanyefan123

Date posted: 3y

@Just Breathe ❤️ please just wait until tomorrow, you can talk to your therapist and she’ll help you with this. please know that you know it’s wrong now and that matters the most

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

@anonnnn I just don’t understand how I didn’t know better back then and I should have. How could I have been so stupid?

kanyefan123

Date posted: 3y

i feel the same way with my real event too. i felt so much unbearable guilt and sometimes i still do. you don’t need to understand how you didn’t know better then, you need to know that you know better now

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

I get that I truly do. I would never do anything like that again knowing what I know now but the past hurts so much the guilt is so unbearable

soggy

Date posted: 3y

If I’m not mistaken, you had a tickling fetish and watched innocent tickling videos when you were younger to m-word to? I can’t read your mind of course but maybe it had to do more about the action than the people involved.

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

I happened to scroll through and seem them at the same time yes but there was other stuff too. Those just happened to be there at the same time. It had to do with the fetish not the people

Derickk

Date posted: 24w

Past mistakes and regrets.

TW: Abuse/Pocd Im feeling really hopeless right now. I have an extensive history of sexual abuse, neglect, physical and emotional abuse as well and a significant amount of trauma from my childhood. I didn’t get any help until my late teens. During this time period I was an incredibly troubled child/teenager and I made a ton of really bad decisions that go against all my morals and values now as a grown adult. I feel like I messed up so bad I don’t deserve to recover. I don’t want to discuss all the events because they are quite personal to me but I’m really struggling with past sexual mistakes and feeling like some sort of deviant because of my past. I never hurt anyone and I never to my knowledge did anything illegal but I definitely had sexual behavior issues from my abuse. I sexualized my own abuse to cope with it. I feel horrible about this. Like I’m a monster. It also convinces me my thoughts are true and it’s evidence. Should I go to a OCD specialist for this or a sex therapist? Is there anything they can even do.

Givenup

Date posted: 9w

Please help...

What if you did something so extremely awful and horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and v0mit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 14... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 14 at the time… now I’m 23… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14 because someone told me what these real events were before... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... the real events were so extremely horrible and awful... i g4g and v0mit even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious...

Givenup

Date posted: 8w

Something truly horrible

What if you did something so extremely awful and truly horrible as a child but you didn’t know how horrible the events were that your POCD and real events OCD targets? Does it make the intrusive thoughts true? The POCD real events were extremely awful and horrible... no way around... it genuinely was extremely awful and horrible... I gag and v0mit even thinking about it... its that horrible... I'm getting anxious from my POCD and real event OCD based on real events (3 times) from when I was 14... I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... I don't ever want to ever be a P at all… I don't ever want to ever be a Chomo at all... i don’t ever want to ever be a rapist at all… I was 14 when these real events happened and now I'm 23... I've asked my mom about this so many times and every time she tells me that it's not serious anymore, that the person is okay and doesnt remember, and that I'm not a rapist or a P or a chomo... I didn’t realize how horrible the real events actually were… I was 14 at the time… now I’m 23… my POCD and real event OCD call me a P or a chomo because of the real events… while my mom reassures me all the time that it’s all over, that it’s not serious anymore, that the person is okay, and that I’m not a P or a rapist or a chomo, but when I was doing compulsive research, I remember when I saw a post on a non OCD forum about someone’s similar situation to mine and two people said to the person that they m*lested and that they needed to turn themselves in… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form… i didn’t know how horrible the real events were when I was 14… I really didn’t… and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… I don't ever want to ever harm a child in any way shape or form... I seriously don't ever want to do that to any child in any way shape or form and I seriously don't ever want to do anything like that to any kid now or in the future… I never have had any fantasies about kids and I don't ever want to... I don't ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way shape or form... I was 14….. and after the real events I never did anything like that ever again, and I never once ever thought (before, and after) about doing stuff with kids in any way shape or form... I never once fantasized about kids or wanted to do anything with kids… I was 14 and didn’t realize how horrible the actions were at the time and I never did it ever again… I never once fantasized about kids before or after the real event… And it’s comparing me to actual P’s and chomo’s who did stuff from 12-15 and then did stuff as adults, and making me think I’m a P and a Chomo because of it… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way… 😭😭😭 I had a surface level idea of what these real events were when I was 14 because someone told me what these real events were before... but I didnt understand nor truly know the depth and consequences or how horrible these real events were... i truly didnt... I dont ever want to ever be what my pocd and real events ocd say I am... I dont ever want to be a P or a Chomo in any way... im so so scared... these real events were so extremely horrible and awful and worse than people realize... i g4g and v0mit and lie awake at night even thinking about them... thats how horrible and awful these mistakes were... I dont ever want to ever be a P or a MAP or a Chomo or a r4pist or anything like that... im so so so so so so so so so so triggered and scared and anxious... I also did something at the age of 13 that was horrible... they asked me if i did it or not, but me being 13 and not knowing what i did was wrong and horrible, i denied it because i was scared... ive lived in guilt for so long... i dont love myself... and I genuinely cant stomach the idea that im still here... I feel so guilty and horrible...

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