Hi all! I’m sure I’ve posted about this before but it keeps coming up and I’m just feeling really stuck. I just want to write it out again and I really appreciate anyone who reads this.
I am very triggered by things my partner has done in the past. The first year or so of our relationship was pretty rocky and he did some not great things. It really made me question who he was as a person and if I really knew him like I thought.
Those instances sort of morphed into a HUGE theme of morality OCD heavily focused towards him. In the three years following, he’s worked hard to become a better person and in his words “he’s not that guy anymore”. There’s one instance in particular that really, really is triggering me today but I’ve never had any reason to think it’s happened since that time 3 years ago.
Anyway, I guess I’m just struggling because not a lot of people would have stuck around and worked through it (just to be clear, it wasn’t cheating or abuse). I was triggered by a word on Instagram today and the whole thing just came flooding back. It’s really making me doubt my partners morality- if he is a “good” person. If I should have left back then. And why didn’t I? Can I really be okay with what he did? Is it not a huge deal or is it an absolute dealbreaker? Is it a huge red flag? Am I lying to myself about who he is? Do I even know him at all?
Questions like this are just stuck in my head and I feel sick everytime I think about it. I know when my anxiety isn’t so high, this event and others from that time just kind of fade quietly into the background.
I feel like no matter how much he has changed, I will always worry that he is still a terrible person. These experiences just hang out in the back of my mind, ready to invade my brain anytime there is a small trigger.
It feels sort of silly to question my relationship over something that happened years ago but I also feel like I can’t let it go. I’m scared to tell anyone about them because I feel like no one will understand.
It’s frustrating when your ROCD is also based on real events. It feels like things get blown wide open, and you can’t make a rational choice on what is anxiety and what is real 😞
Thanks for reading