Europeans know that the media is full with the possibility of a war between Russia and Ucraine, and all i can see is that people are ready to the war, it will be a war here too,they will put us to fight and kill people to save ourselfs... and my mental health isnt the best for that right now, im thinking of i will not survive that, i will get crazy or super depressed, i will get lot of ptsd which will be worse bc of my weak mental health and it will be a suffering. Got to a point where i was affraid that life will not matter to me and the amount of stress will make me to kill myself bc i will feel so hopeless... and the scary part is that i felt the hopelessnes and im scared, my mind is so anxious that it thinks about suicide, bc theres no hope in a world like this... and that just made me more anxious and hopeless that i can think like this and actually i might thinked that if that happens i kill myself bc life will not be how i imagined. Can ocd confuse you this much? Im feeling guilty again, this is not how i should think...

I got a virus, alot of people is sick now, this is another bog virus, i dont know the name, but i talked someone who told me that its normal that this virus attacks your nervous system, and brings up the things we are the most sensitive. I wrote a post before that i had really scary thoughts about maybe i will die tomorrow or i can die anyday, i feel like thats was a sign of that cause now im finding myself being so sensitive about this and also im afraid of depression, suicidal thoughts and feeling hopeless. The biggest problem is that i dont know how to label them,if i say maybe im actually dealing with depression, and i need to work on these dark thoughts then i feel anxious and freak out that im having depression and deep thoughts and then feel shame cause i use fear to hide from a problem which i should take seriously, but if i say its not true, i feel like im lying and not working on my mental health... but these dark hopeless feelings feel so real and the thoughts too, and i know this sounds really ocdish cause everyone says this, but it doesnt feel like the ocd symptoms i have. It seems like ocd is more about me not accepting that im depressed or feeling hopeless which makes me feel guilt more cause that sounds like i just dont want to accept that im actually depressed. Im really afraid that these thoughts and feeling means i have an actual problem, and im actually going through depression. My ocd can be about depression too but i heard from someone that many people with ocd doesnt want to accept that they are depressed and thats the problem, so this makes me feel bad that i have to accept that this is an actual problem. Also with grief, i have a fear over grief cause i think i cant deal with it, and i always has thoughts like "you didnt grieved well" and it makes me really sad and afraid that i will never get out of grief... Whatever i do i feel stuck cause if i accept im going through depression and these thoughts are something i need to work on i just feel worse... I dont know what should i do about this, view it as something i need to work on or its just ocd and the illness getting me where im the most sensitive...

I was told that this illness that im having now(some say its some kind of covid) is attacking people where they are the most sensitive, so it got my mental health and at first it was the fear of my health which im starting to face but now it got deeper and i have feelings of hopelessness and like a depressed feelings and thoughts like things wont get better. And i dont know where this comes from, im afraid this is actually what i believe. Dont know if its ocd or the illness actually made these problem come up what was pushed away by me... When i have these feelings my first reaction is fear and i dont know if its something i shouldnt give attention or the fear is actually bad and it makes me avoid the problem, so i should work on this depression... I dont know whats happening but its scarry and i dont like these dark thoughts. I think i suffer more because of the fear and shame of these thoughts but again i dont know if the fear and shame shows me that i dont need to give attention to these thoughts or the fear and shame actually blocks me to deal with these thoughts and feelings...

Am so tired I see no reason to clean no reason to try or think it’s all going to get better. My OCD, keeps telling me we are in the second great depression and we’re going to head to World War III soon. And that there’s no reason in living anymore and I should end it before I see the horrors unfold in front of me. It tells me that I am suffering enough and it’s time to let go. There’s no reason to keep suffering only to die later without any sort of fix to the situation. I cry constantly to myself about the economy about who’s in charge of the US about how I’m gonna live in such a world about how different prices were about how the older generations had it better.. And now my OCD keeps telling me that they’re the bad people. They’re the ones who should suffer. They’re the ones who did this to us. The boomers are the ones that led my generation down into this hell. And it drives me crazy. I think about it every day and it constantly repeats itself telling me that I should just let go that it’s time to let go. I’m only 18 but I’ve been worrying about the economy in the third world war since the age of 12. My psychiatrist said that I am burdened by my intelligence. And my OCD loves to torture me with it. I can’t get out of this malicious cycle of feeling OK OCD coming back giving me anxiety leading to depression. And compulsions of suicide, I just don’t think I’ll be able to live in this world. I don’t think it’s worth it and I think it’s just going to be painful. I went to an abandoned gas station that was abandoned in the early 70s. I found a Coke bottle from the 1960s halfway embedded in the dirt. It was fully intact not even a scratch on it. The glass was thick and sturdy. It looked like it can last forever. Instead of having a rapper that displayed all of the details on it all of the textures of the words in the brand and everything you needed to know was engraved into the glass itself. And you know what?? Back then that was only $.10.. now a Coke with a plastic wrapper made out of plastic in a smaller size is about 3 to 4 dollars.. I just can’t I tried to take my mind off of it, but while I’m growing in, and my OCD loves to taunt me. I can’t seem to pretend like everyone else it’s just too out in the open and my OCD, won’t let me forget. It’s like my own personal hell.