I just can't bear it... My intrusive thoughts were killing me a few days ago, the worst was when I was thinking about the 2 weeks, before my rabbit died, and I took care of her. She had a stroke, She couldn't walk because she didn't feel her right side. I remembered how I wanted to give the best care to her, but also remembered the times, when She didn't want something, but had to do, because of her health. I remembered, that usually I cleaned her legs, ears, and her private areas. Then came the thoughts: what if I thought to push my finger into my rabbit's butthole, when I cleaned it, because I associated it with man's butthole or something like that, and it was a sick desire. It was killing me, because these kind of things, when people harmed or desired some way an animal, disgusted me really deeply. Plus, this rabbit was literally my everything, my precious first child, I had her from age 10 to 16. So, the thoughts really disturbed me. Anyway, I tried to reassure myself: if I really thought that, at least, I didn't act on it. And than came the thought: what if this thought was really there, and I really acted on it, and I harmed and abused my rabbit, I just didn't realize it until now, or I just thought this was natural, or I didn't want to remember how bad person I am, and that I didn't really care. I literally cried for 3 days, I became sick with migraine, and the thought, that I could hurt and traumatize an ill rabbit, MY rabbit who loved and leaned on me the most in this world, was killing me. I told my Mom that I fear, what if I hurt my rabbit (I didn't told her my exact fear, just hurt, because I was scared), and She said that wasn't my nature, and that rabbit wouldn't love me until her last breath if I did something that traumatized her. And I know it isn't my nature, I love animals in a pure platonic way, but what if teenage hormones and grief fucked up my mind really badly and I did that and didn't care about anything? It didn't help that sometimes I thought that I am a good person now, and I know I deserve life despite whether it's true or not , because then I thought, what if I find this thing acceptable, while I don't. I just can't sleep for a week now, I can't concentrate on studying or anything bit also I don't know what to do. I want to believe it's a false memory, I don't know how can I live on if it's not, but I also can't let it go, because what if it's really true, and I keep living on without guilt and punishment, while it's a thing that can't be forgiven. For years I thought I did everything the right Way in that last two weeks and now I am not sure. I know most of the intrusive thoughts were made by my mind, but the thing, that I don't have proof I didn't do anything, keeps my anxiety alive, and I don't know anymore what is true, and what is not. I must live, but I don't know how after that...