I just can't bear it... My intrusive thoughts were killing me a few days ago, the worst was when I was thinking about the 2 weeks, before my rabbit died, and I took care of her. She had a stroke, She couldn't walk because she didn't feel her right side. I remembered how I wanted to give the best care to her, but also remembered the times, when She didn't want something, but had to do, because of her health. I remembered, that usually I cleaned her legs, ears, and her private areas. Then came the thoughts: what if I thought to push my finger into my rabbit's butthole, when I cleaned it, because I associated it with man's butthole or something like that, and it was a sick desire. It was killing me, because these kind of things, when people harmed or desired some way an animal, disgusted me really deeply. Plus, this rabbit was literally my everything, my precious first child, I had her from age 10 to 16. So, the thoughts really disturbed me. Anyway, I tried to reassure myself: if I really thought that, at least, I didn't act on it. And than came the thought: what if this thought was really there, and I really acted on it, and I harmed and abused my rabbit, I just didn't realize it until now, or I just thought this was natural, or I didn't want to remember how bad person I am, and that I didn't really care. I literally cried for 3 days, I became sick with migraine, and the thought, that I could hurt and traumatize an ill rabbit, MY rabbit who loved and leaned on me the most in this world, was killing me. I told my Mom that I fear, what if I hurt my rabbit (I didn't told her my exact fear, just hurt, because I was scared), and She said that wasn't my nature, and that rabbit wouldn't love me until her last breath if I did something that traumatized her. And I know it isn't my nature, I love animals in a pure platonic way, but what if teenage hormones and grief fucked up my mind really badly and I did that and didn't care about anything? It didn't help that sometimes I thought that I am a good person now, and I know I deserve life despite whether it's true or not , because then I thought, what if I find this thing acceptable, while I don't. I just can't sleep for a week now, I can't concentrate on studying or anything bit also I don't know what to do. I want to believe it's a false memory, I don't know how can I live on if it's not, but I also can't let it go, because what if it's really true, and I keep living on without guilt and punishment, while it's a thing that can't be forgiven. For years I thought I did everything the right Way in that last two weeks and now I am not sure. I know most of the intrusive thoughts were made by my mind, but the thing, that I don't have proof I didn't do anything, keeps my anxiety alive, and I don't know anymore what is true, and what is not. I must live, but I don't know how after that...

tw: nsfw 17f I have a real even ocd from a sexual event with an animal (my cat) from where I was younger. Remembering it ruined my life and made it a living hell. It was bad. It's not one of those innocent events people always assume because I have ocd and then they get all surprised when it was actually bad and sexual. (animal wasn't harmed though) So basically I developed I fear of interacting or even looking at animals after I remembered so I was avoiding my cat like crazy, but then I realized that it's cruel to ignore an animal who wants love and attention, so I forced myself to overcome it kinda. I basically downloaded a habit tracker where I mark when I was able to pet my cat cause while it's triggering I want to give my cat love and I'm trying to pet her everyday So yesterday I was petting the cat. And she was extremely enthusiastic about it. Like she was almost throwing herself on me to get more pets like kinda agressive at this point to get pets. I started thinking how animals go in heat in spring. But she is like sterilized so I wasnt sure its possible for her. Like maybe they are just more active in spring? But what if the pets are somehow sexual for the cat? Then I thought maybe I shouldn't pet her then cause that's wrong. But then I thought like who cares and also then it will be like this the whole spring should I just not touch her the whole spring and ignore her again? I was also tired a bit so I wasn't thinking it all through that much Now I'm freaking out so bad. Like I knew there was a possibility that it was sexual for the cat and still continued petting her I didn't stop. It's so bad. Like I thought its whatever since it's not sexual for me but now I'm freaking out. Like the whole me being a better person and learning on my mistakes after that one earlier event was for nothing if I was able to do something like this I'm freaking out so bad

I am so scared of everything .Of my thoughts.If I am a good person.Years ago I didnt help a kid who was in danger.Since then I started to have terrible thoughts :( i am so terrified.I still have these thoughts and I am scared it means something about me .I really dont want to hurt anyone and I want to help that kid now but idk how I can now.Also I am scared I betray everyone.I still have terrible thoughts and when I am with someone I care is worse...idk why.For example I started to talk with a collegue and he is really nice to me.I told him some things abt me( not the intrusive thoughts) and he was supportive.I have no idea if I will tell anyone abt my thoughts..and bcs of that I feel like I lie to them and betray them.I really want to enjoy my life and be happy and support people( especially because I didnt help that kid then).I want to live up to my morals now but I feel like I lie and manipulate people bcs I am a monster.Is this normal? To feel this way? What can I do? What if I am my worst fear and just cant accept it?!

TW:trauma.. This can be very triggering... I was outside walking my dog.I met with the family of the kid who was hurt years ago(I mentioned abt this..it was really a bad and traumatizing event) .I warned them abt a dog (bcs they have a dog too ) who was walking around and bcs I think I saw it another day .And I talked with their mom and I thought: Am I lying ? Am I manipulating her into thinking I am a caring person when in reality I am not.Because I didnt helped the kid when they needed help.I was right there and didnt help and didnt told them.I feel like a traitor.Everytime we met and talk I am scared my friendly interactions mean I am lying to them and manipulate them.Bcs I didnt help their kid...:,( I am so so sorry for them.I feel like I left them in danger back then,that it was my fault..I cant stop thinking abt how they trusted me and I didnt help..and that event.Because no one should go through that..especially a kid.I am scared honestly..even now .And I am worried.I only care bcs their parents will be mad and blame me..I am scared I dont care abt what happened to the kid( I am sorry if this is triggering..I think these are also my intrusive thoughts) .Plus everytime I am near them I get intrusive images of what happened .And I feel like a criminal..plus other horrible thoughts that make me feel like I a monster.I have terrible thoughts over and over and I feel I am what I am scared of.That I acutually am.I started to belive this( still pray is just ocd)I know is weird( and I am sorry if this is triggering) but I feel like I am the person who hurt the kid.:,(.I just think I dissapointed them and hurt them (the kid..also the family).The worst is I dont even know if they told anyone.I will talk with a therapist abt this..but I want to know also your advices..if u can give me..I know this might be reassurance but I am desperate.These thoughts and intrusive images I get abt what happened are horrible.I cant imagine...:(.I only think abt how terrible it was for the kid..and I feel bad because I think abt it.I overthink my every action, I overthink everything abt my interactions with them and their family.This summer my family will go on a trip with them I think , and Idk if I should go.( tw: also think her dad thinks I am suspicious and I absolutely have no intent to hurt the kid.And that he think I am dangerous bcs I didnt help her:()This feels like hell and I feel like I am make myself a victim in a situation I made myself..I am sorry for putting so many tw.I know this sounds all so bad and suspicious..Either I am terrible or scared I am terrible or both...:(.Anyway I know I did a terrible mistake.Thank you so much if anyone reads all this and responds