I don't know what to believe sometimes I suspect even my closest people of betrayal and Im not sure if they gaslight/manipulate me because they know I have ocd and they know that I have outbursts. And I don't know whats true if Its right that I'm mad at them or if I'm being too much. The result Is the same I lash out. I'm so confused and then I try to overcorrect by saying how sorry I am and that is all my fault and then I'm getting mad again because they never feel guilty when they say/do sth to me but I always feel guilty. Wtf is that ...

I 1000000000% understand. It’s exactly, to a T, what I’ve been going through for almost 2 years. It’s so unbelievably draining and I wish that my ocd didn’t mesh with real life scenarios. I’m constantly asking “is this ocd, or is this something to be genuinely upset about?” And it seems like most of the time, the answer is both. I haven’t met anybody else who struggles with this within the ROCD community, so thank you for posting.

@Jordn I thought I was alone too. If it's both ocd and reality then how to deal with this ? It's s*it. And I have it since I know myself. I f*ck up relationships all the time and then I'm crying over the spilled milk. And I'm saying nobody will be able to put up with me and I'll die alone. It's a vicious circle. I feel like a hamster 😂☹️

@anonymous34563 Lately I’ve been chalking it up to ocd regardless. Bc the ocd intensifies the feeling, I find that even though I may have some right to be upset, it isn’t a deal breaker and doesn’t warrant the type of response my ocd comes up with. I just try to ride the wave of panic until it comes down enough to use logic. But it’s so much easier said than done. I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and it’s difficult, but he tries to help me monitor it. All I can do is trust him and hope that he isn’t using it to gaslight me or manipulate me 😭

@anonymous34563 Every time I feel the crazy urge to bring something up or start an argument, I instantly regret it as soon as something comes out of my mouth. It’s like the ocd controls me sometimes and it’s crazy. I just try to keep that in mind when I’m upset.

@Jordn Yesterday I had an episode and in moments of clarity during which I negotiated with myself about how I should react, I thought yes I'm too much I need to chill. But I was so tired and the thought kept coming back , two minutes later my anger was all over the place. Its nice not to be alone in this I'm glad you can cope with it, next time I'll try to as well 😊

@Jordn Oh for me almost everything is/was a dealbreaker. And that's why in my past relationships (which were indeed awful but couldn't see it, only ocd was there to remind me that sth wasn't right) the people with who I were in just a second became the worst enemies and I never spoke to them ever again. I'm constantly struggling to find a balance in my reactions but it's hard. Sorry for the long text

I totally understand. It’s so unbelievably overwhelming and if you don’t respond it feels like you’re not being true to yourself. Hang in there.. are you in therapy?

@Jordn Yes I am, just started we are doing cbt and use journals to break down the thoughts and be able to control the behavior and feelings. I also take meds since the summer when I was almost psychotic with somatic ocd and many many more. Now I'm like a different person comparing to times back then but since I solved my most serious issues now ocd creeps back to themes related to relationships mainly.

@anonymous34563 I have been curious about doing cbt for this instead of erp. Or maybe both at the same time? I think it’s helpful to understand the thoughts, especially if you have past relational trauma. Do you do any erp?

@Jordn No I'm from europe there is no such thing here. But ERP is actually cbt, it's the same type of therapy in essence. I don't know what's best I just started. Everyone says that therapy is great , but I haven't met anyone who has improved importantly. Maybe I'm biased. Meds saved my life honestly, the rest could probably be addressed with therapy indeed.