- Date posted
- 3y
- Date posted
- 3y
Thanks for your comments ♥️
- Date posted
- 3y
What's even worse is that In the past I had relationships/friendships that triggered my ocd and my suspicious thoughts and then I proved myself right. I proved my ocd right that they were bad people because indeed they were in the end. And I'm thinking what's real and what's ocd ? All these red flags that I might be getting by some people are they true? Are they ocd? Maybe my ocd is trying to prove that everyone is bad... Back then I hadn't trust my instinct and in the end all the ocd thoughts I had (that they would betray me) became reality.. is what I'm feeling now ocd or true instinct? This is all fucked up I just had to let it out
- Date posted
- 3y
I 1000000000% understand. It’s exactly, to a T, what I’ve been going through for almost 2 years. It’s so unbelievably draining and I wish that my ocd didn’t mesh with real life scenarios. I’m constantly asking “is this ocd, or is this something to be genuinely upset about?” And it seems like most of the time, the answer is both. I haven’t met anybody else who struggles with this within the ROCD community, so thank you for posting.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Jordn I thought I was alone too. If it's both ocd and reality then how to deal with this ? It's s*it. And I have it since I know myself. I f*ck up relationships all the time and then I'm crying over the spilled milk. And I'm saying nobody will be able to put up with me and I'll die alone. It's a vicious circle. I feel like a hamster 😂☹️
- Date posted
- 3y
@anonymous34563 Lately I’ve been chalking it up to ocd regardless. Bc the ocd intensifies the feeling, I find that even though I may have some right to be upset, it isn’t a deal breaker and doesn’t warrant the type of response my ocd comes up with. I just try to ride the wave of panic until it comes down enough to use logic. But it’s so much easier said than done. I’ve been with my partner for 2 years and it’s difficult, but he tries to help me monitor it. All I can do is trust him and hope that he isn’t using it to gaslight me or manipulate me 😭
- Date posted
- 3y
@anonymous34563 Every time I feel the crazy urge to bring something up or start an argument, I instantly regret it as soon as something comes out of my mouth. It’s like the ocd controls me sometimes and it’s crazy. I just try to keep that in mind when I’m upset.
- Date posted
- 3y
@Jordn Yesterday I had an episode and in moments of clarity during which I negotiated with myself about how I should react, I thought yes I'm too much I need to chill. But I was so tired and the thought kept coming back , two minutes later my anger was all over the place. Its nice not to be alone in this I'm glad you can cope with it, next time I'll try to as well 😊
- Date posted
- 3y
@Jordn Oh for me almost everything is/was a dealbreaker. And that's why in my past relationships (which were indeed awful but couldn't see it, only ocd was there to remind me that sth wasn't right) the people with who I were in just a second became the worst enemies and I never spoke to them ever again. I'm constantly struggling to find a balance in my reactions but it's hard. Sorry for the long text
- Date posted
- 3y
I can't hold it I have to say it even though I know that it will make things worse. I cant pretend that I'm okay when I'm not I'm too obvious and after the outburst I feel s*it, but weirdly I also feel like the bad thought is vanished and I'm feeling better in some way. This is an emotional roller coaster for both me and my bf. I ve tried a lot, like to do sth else to keep my mind off of the thought, but the second he calls me to say "hi" I just can't help starting to spill it out. 😑
- Date posted
- 3y
I guess it needs work. It's like a demon dominationg me ..
- Date posted
- 3y
I totally understand. It’s so unbelievably overwhelming and if you don’t respond it feels like you’re not being true to yourself. Hang in there.. are you in therapy?
- Date posted
- 3y
@Jordn Yes I am, just started we are doing cbt and use journals to break down the thoughts and be able to control the behavior and feelings. I also take meds since the summer when I was almost psychotic with somatic ocd and many many more. Now I'm like a different person comparing to times back then but since I solved my most serious issues now ocd creeps back to themes related to relationships mainly.
- Date posted
- 3y
@anonymous34563 I have been curious about doing cbt for this instead of erp. Or maybe both at the same time? I think it’s helpful to understand the thoughts, especially if you have past relational trauma. Do you do any erp?
- Date posted
- 3y
@Jordn No I'm from europe there is no such thing here. But ERP is actually cbt, it's the same type of therapy in essence. I don't know what's best I just started. Everyone says that therapy is great , but I haven't met anyone who has improved importantly. Maybe I'm biased. Meds saved my life honestly, the rest could probably be addressed with therapy indeed.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 22w
I can be way too hard on myself and beat myself up over the smallest slip up in regards to OCD. Sometimes it can feel like I'm gaslighting myself on what was "so blatantly and obviously a moral atrocity in thought and intent", when 95% of the time I'm not even sure what my own intent with dealing with these thoughts is or why I do what I do. It makes me feel like some shameless beast for "daring to even entertain the thought of something so VILE!!!" When I just get so confused and scared on moral issues, like my mind is pulled down a rabbit hole I can't escape until the tricks are done on me and it's too late, i've accepted such ideas I hate until that hate and trying to not give in convince me "it might not be that bad". It feels like anything, even the most mundane things can trigger this. This cycle happens mainly because I feel like there's "no way to escape committing more 'attrocities' in thought or compulsion anyway"...and these cycles become the basis for more of these incidents. there a way to stop this? There have been multiple times where I called myself the R word, and even knowing it's a slur I still called myself that because "I'm nothing if not deserving of such scorn". Any attempt to stop the madness makes it worse and it's like all this I talked about is so convincing I dare not question it until after the fact. Please help.
- Date posted
- 17w
the past month ive been ruminating about a time last year where i hurt a friend by unintentionally bringing up a traumatic memory when i was really drunk, enough that i didnt remember it, so i went 6 months without apologizing until i was worried when they werent talking to me anymore. so they told me when i finally tried to talk to them. i apologized and they told me we were ok now, and still want me in their life, but now they stopped talking to me again and its been 3 weeks, and im terrified that i did something again, especially since they stopped talking to me when i made a mistake before, and wont tell me outright. the event triggered horrible horrible guilt over what i did, mostly guilt About the guilt i was feeling, because its not a normal amount of guilt for a regular person, and eventually my compulsions for confessing and ruminating reached a high point. and when they stopped talking to me again they got even worse . they are aware i suffer from ocd and anxiety to an extent (we've been friends since we were teenagers) so its hard for me to believe they wouldn't do this unless i did something wrong again, especially due to the events of my past mistake. lately ive been wondering, 'have they found out my abnormal reaction to what happened ?' 'did a friend who knows about it tell them?' ive been avoiding asking them if i did something wrong again, because i dont want to make it a habit since i can fall very deeply into that hole of asking for reassurance and i feel even regular reassurance, without the ocd, im the last person who deserves that right now. im scared they somehow found out about my compulsions (which isnt entirely irrational) and i feel the need to apologize to them again. ive been having panic attacks about this. i feel like no matter what i do i cant fix our friendship, and its going to end badly. i feel like a terrible friend, and im too mentally ill to have friendships. i don't know what to do.
- Date posted
- 15w
Recently I’ve been getting these very intense episodes of feeling extremely annoyed, irritable and touchy. I start to think narcissistic thoughts like feeling extremely entitled, envious of others and just overall snotty and rude but also horrible about myself. I take everything personal in these moments even though I know it’s stupid to do so. with harm ocd it also makes it 10x worse because they urges are worsened by the anger and intense emotions and sometimes I feel like just crying or this deep pit in my stomach of fear and dispare about the future like where am I heading and who am I becoming? I’ve excessively been on Gemini asking about covert narcissism, because my family disagrees with the idea of me being a narcissist along with my therapist but I just can’t let it go because I actually genuinely believe it. When I want to make things right it feels so self centered and I don’t know the right way to genuinely care about others. Maybe I already do?? I can’t tell if this is all just anger, intense fear and overwhelm, from med changes (went from lexapro to buspar) or processing grief (grandpa died in February) but sometimes I feel even worse because in my head I believe the grief only effects me and I need total attention and care 24/7. and start wondering if this is a subconscious way of thinking for me that I just assume is ocd and anxiety. I feel so tense and when I get in these moments I feel like I’m about to combust, I dissociate, feel like sobbing, isolating, or yelling but can’t tell if it’s all caused from an “ego blow” or something that someone did that made me feel bad about myself and that’s why I feel such high self pity. idk anymore but this feeling is terrifying especially the more I believe I’m a narcissist everything is evidence. I even start wondering what if this is rage, or hatred or resentment? like deep down dark feelings?
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