Over the years I have said some terribly messed up stuff to my SO and I cannot forgive myself. It is part of me. I am so disgusted with myself and sick over it. I have ruined my marriage because of my OCD. I haste myself.

Hello! There is nothing you can do about the past, you can only use the past to learn from your mistakes. Unless you have a time machine you won’t be able to go back and take back what you said. What you can do instead is recognize the lessons from the past and apply those lessons to your current and present relationships. I would try apologizing to your SO and show them that you are trying to change. Tell them you are sorry and you will do better to not say anything mean to them. Use your past experiences to shape your present and future. Beating yourself up over the past will not change anything. The only thing you can change is how you act in the present. You got this!

I am sorry you are having a difficult time. There is one important thing to note: we have all done things in our past that we are less than proud of and cringe when we think about it. None of us can erase it. The truth is we cannot change the past, because we live only in the present. Everyday is a new day and a new opportunity to do better. And what OCD is telling you is not truth - it’s an intrusive thought with no value. It takes many situations and blows them so far out of proportion that OCD creates false memories. Som when ocd rears it’s ugly head, sit with the anxiety and do not try and argue with it, or try to disprove it. You may even consider agreeing with it, saying oh yeah I am a horrible person. Not because that is the truth, rather because it does. It give the ocd any outlet to go somewhere else with this. It can’t argue when you say of course I am a terrible person. I hate everyone and I couldn’t care less. Again, not because it is absolute truth, but as a way to break the ocd cycle. I hope this helps.