It feels so hard to live in a body. I’m always scared I’m going to get blood clots or have a stroke or a heart attack. I’m always checking my ankles for swelling, my skin for changes in tone (like if I turn yellow etc), my pulse, my veins. I just pulled my boyfriend into the bathroom to “check my veins” on my thighs because they looked bigger than they should to me…. My mind was saying they were dilated because of a clot because my left leg and arm have felt weaker off and on the past few weeks. But I feel like I get a lot of physical symptoms along with ocd and anxiety? Maybe? I don’t even know. Maybe it is real? But he showed me the veins on his thighs too and he compared them to mine and told me they looked fine. I feel so lost in this journey because I know I’m not supposed to give into compulsions and seek reassurance and he wants to help me so he will reassure me when I ask him questions to calm my compulsions. I have no idea what I should ask of him if he wants to help instead of reassurance. I try my best and every day I maybe ask him for reassurance once or twice out of the millions of times I want to ask but get through it myself. So I guess that’s something? I’m just sort of rambling and sharing now… I just feel like it’s so hard living and my head always feels spacey and I’m not sure what to ask of my loved ones to help. When I told my mother I had ocd she seemed understanding. Then just the other day I was sick and staying with her and she laughed and said “you know I’m a little ocd too, I hate germs!” And both of my parents have a very “it’s something wrong with you that you need to change” attitude my whole life and have never understood how I struggle. If I try to explain that ocd isn’t just “hating germs”, she dismissed it and gets angry and either would say something like “it was just a joke. You’re so sensitive!” Or “well how do you even really know you have ocd? Everyone is a little ocd!” So I can’t go to them. I feel like I have nobody sometimes just my boyfriend and he does an amazing job but I feel like I shouldn’t be asking him for reassurance. Just unpacking here. Not really sure how or if I’m expecting any responses I just needed to get this out to a community I know understands. If you read all this…. Thanks haha