I hate how many different details and fears my mind has analyzed around the same event eight years ago. It feels endless. It is endless. What happened? How do I know? What are the possible consequences? Have I concerned this before? Did I talk with others? Did I consider it properly? How does it relate to all the other variables? When I decided this was just ocd in the past, was I thinking about it right? Can I trust those people? How can this be irrational when this intrusive thought feels so powerful and real? Can I risk potential harm to others if I’m wrong? Am I remembering this correctly? If I had a bit more information, maybe I’d be content? If this isn’t real, why did I panic about this so many times? Maybe everyone else is just patronizing me because they don’t want me to accept the terrible thing I’ve done. What about that memory? What about that other memory? What about that memory of analyzing that memory? What about this detail that always spikes your anxiety? What if you never get better? Can this really be ocd if it is possible that someone could have been harmed? What if all this ocd advice I read is for other people, people with actual ocd? I’m just so tired.

Try to keep in mind your OCD will want you to be 100% certain about this event or whether you did it. OCD keeps wanting more and more certainty but it's never enough and never will be enough. You might want this mythical "aha" moment where you can just feel totally confident and certain but unfortunately, that will never happen because nothing in life is ever that certain - and for those with OCD, OCD just keeps raising the bar more and more for what you need to do in order to get to this place that really can't happen at all. Research actually shows the more you engage in the checking of your memory, the less confident you become in your behavior. It sounds counterintuitive but essentially the more you ruminate - the less confident you become overall. Try to resist and reduce this rumination. Recognize when your brain wants you to answer a question and then try as hard as you can to not answer the question. Have you tried postponing the rumination at all? Like when you notice the thought come up, say, "I'll try to figure this out in 15 minutes, once 15 minutes goes by, I can think about it." Then once 15 minutes passes, extend again, and again after that. See how long you can extend! How do I deal with guilt or doubt over a memory? with Dr. McGrath, Davida Vaughn & Dr. Solarin https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EEriK-0VGk