I hate how many different details and fears my mind has analyzed around the same event eight years ago. It feels endless. It is endless. What happened? How do I know? What are the possible consequences? Have I concerned this before? Did I talk with others? Did I consider it properly? How does it relate to all the other variables? When I decided this was just ocd in the past, was I thinking about it right? Can I trust those people? How can this be irrational when this intrusive thought feels so powerful and real? Can I risk potential harm to others if I’m wrong? Am I remembering this correctly? If I had a bit more information, maybe I’d be content? If this isn’t real, why did I panic about this so many times? Maybe everyone else is just patronizing me because they don’t want me to accept the terrible thing I’ve done. What about that memory? What about that other memory? What about that memory of analyzing that memory? What about this detail that always spikes your anxiety? What if you never get better? Can this really be ocd if it is possible that someone could have been harmed? What if all this ocd advice I read is for other people, people with actual ocd? I’m just so tired.

I know I keep talking about This but I’m too tired :( I’m really struggling and I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I might be the only person who experiences this in the way I do. It’s gotten so bad that during intimacy or self-pleasure, I feel like I’m acting on a thought — like my body is moving because of it. It’s terrifying and deeply hurtful. The moment it happens, I immediately panic, try to rewind everything in my head, and ruminate to figure out what I was thinking at that exact second… but I can never remember. That makes it even worse. feel so lost and hopeless, like I’ll never be able to heal or move on from this. People tell me “it’s just OCD,” but it doesn’t feel like OCD to me. It feels like I’m the exception — like no one else truly experiences it like this, especially the part where it feels like I physically responded to a thought. I know people say “others go through this too,” but my mind keeps saying, “not like this, not this specific thing.”Sometimes I just wish I could go back and relive those moments so I could be sure what happened, but I know that’s not possible. I feel so stuck in guilt and doubt that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m scared I’m a bad person and that I’ll always feel this way. I’ll never be free or be the same again everyday I live with deep depression

I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff. But now it’s gotten really out of hand and I don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasn’t myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasn’t good to the people around me. I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that I’m off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I can’t move on. I can’t do anything without thinking about all of these memories. I’m obsessed. I’ve started hating myself again, so much so that it’s hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good. The people around me tell me it wasn’t even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I can’t stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up. I’ve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I can’t remember, and that my mind just can’t deal with it. And that’s why I feel so guilty. There’s nothing to really support this though. But I’m starting to really convince myself that’s true. I’m trying not to listen to it, because I’ve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and haven’t remembered when I absolutely didn’t and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check there’s no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldn’t listen. But it’s hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I don’t remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I don’t remember? I don’t feel like this all the time. But it’s a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to. The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. I’ve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I don’t know. I don’t really want to. But will I ever fix this without it? Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?

Feel like I’ve been stuck in a spiral for a while. My OCD has come in waves over the years but this time it has been so debilitating. I’m in therapy, but I really struggle with sitting with uncertainty. My therapist will tell me to say, “Maybe, maybe not”. But so many of my fears and so much of my uncertainty feels too risky to just, “not figure out”. And if it’s not just thoughts, it’s actions or events. Whether it’s an event from years ago or 5 minutes ago, I feel like I’m ruminating and trying to perform memory recall. I analyze every action, thought, decision. I’m full of guilt and dread all the time. And then I realize how much it’s affecting my family and ability to be a fun and present parent. Most days I’m hardly functional outside of meeting my kid’s basic needs. I feel like I’m wasting so much time, but I just can’t get myself out of this constant loop. Every day brings a new event or theme or thought. I know I need to sit with the uncertainty but it’s so hard.