…..why.. do I get relief when I agree with not loving him…. 😞

I’ve been in this storm for over a year and a half now. It started with doubts like: “What if I don’t love him?” and slowly turned into: “You never did. You just loved the idea. You just wanted to feel something.” And now… it feels like that’s the truth. I feel disconnected, numb, and ashamed. I look back at our relationship — the good moments, the laughter, the affection — and instead of warmth, I feel doubt. I feel sick. I feel like I tricked myself. I keep thinking: “You never loved him, you just wanted to be loved.” “You were never in it for him — just the safety, the comfort, the idea of being in love.” We’ve been fighting more lately — mostly because of me. I feel like I’m cold, irritable, distant. I can’t connect. And that makes me believe, more and more, that this thought is right. That maybe I stayed because I wanted to feel, not because I truly felt something for him. But at the same time, I’m suffering. Crying. Panicking. Spiraling. If I truly didn’t love him — why does this hurt so much? It’s terrifying, because I don’t know if this is ROCD or a “truth” I’ve been avoiding. I just want peace. I just want to feel again — or at least stop punishing myself every day. Has anyone else gone through this exact thing? Feeling like the thought “I never loved him, just the idea” became your “truth”? Did it ever pass? How do you keep going when your mind turns love into guilt? Please tell me I’m not alone. 💔 This feels unbearable.

I’m struggling so much and I really need to let this out. Everything I think and feel about my boyfriend and my relationship feels so real. It doesn’t feel like “just thoughts.” It feels like clarity. Like something in me finally accepted the truth I’ve been trying to deny for a long time. I keep thinking things like: • “I don’t like him.” • “I don’t love him.” • “I never did, I just thought I did.” • “I’m only here because I wanted a relationship and he’s a good person.” These thoughts don’t feel intrusive — they feel like truths. And that terrifies me. We’ve been together for a long time and he truly loves me. He supports me. He’s kind. But I keep feeling distant. Like I don’t connect to him. Sometimes I even feel disgust or anxiety when I’m near him, and I hate admitting that because he doesn’t deserve this. I don’t feel warmth when I look at him or think about us. I can’t even imagine a future together — and that used to be all I dreamed about. What hurts even more is that I used to feel more grounded, I used to have hope. Now I feel like everything has collapsed and nothing makes sense. I’m constantly analyzing if I love him or not. I don’t know if it’s ROCD or if I’m just forcing a relationship I don’t want deep down. Sometimes, I tell myself: “I must love him, because I’m suffering so much.” But other times I think: “Maybe I’m just a good person who doesn’t want to hurt someone, and that’s why I stay.” I feel like I’m drowning in guilt, confusion, and fear. I can’t talk to my mom about this anymore because she’s overwhelmed. I don’t know who to talk to without making it worse. Even when I try to be calm, the thoughts are there, or this numbness is there. I don’t know how to sit with these thoughts anymore. They don’t feel like thoughts — they feel like my reality. Please, if anyone relates, I would appreciate hearing from you. This is the darkest I’ve felt. Thank you for reading.

Hey everyone, I just need to let this out because I feel like I’m slipping deeper into something I can’t name anymore. I’ve been struggling with ROCD for a long time, but right now… I don’t even know if it’s ROCD anymore. I feel completely disconnected from my partner. I used to say I love you and mean it. Now it feels like a lie. I used to enjoy being close to him — emotionally, even sexually. Now, even a sweet or intimate comment makes me want to shut down. I feel irritated, cold, distant. I’m not trying to be like this — it just happens. And I hate it. He loves me so much. He’s been there for me every step of the way, even when I told him about the thoughts. And yet I feel like I’m slowly hurting him — by being so numb. By being quiet. By not feeling anything when I know I should. And I feel like I’m hurting myself too. It doesn’t even feel like anxiety anymore. It feels like: “This is the truth.” Like I’ve realized that I never really loved him. Like I was just scared of losing something that felt safe. And now I feel like the only honest thing to do is admit that it’s over — even though that thought also hurts. But nothing feels right. I don’t cry about it anymore. I just stare at the wall and think: “What if I was lying to myself all along?” I told someone close to me (my mom), and instead of support, I got judged. And now I feel even more alone. Like I’m not allowed to be confused. Like I have to pick a side — and I don’t even know who I am anymore. If anyone else has gone through this… this numb, distant, dead-inside-but-still-caring-somehow place, please tell me it passes. Please tell me the numbness is a symptom. Please tell me love can survive this kind of fog. Because I feel like I’m just fading — from him, from myself — and I don’t want to give up. Even if I can’t feel that right now… I don’t want to give up. I keep searxhing on r/rocd people that feel the same so i can read the comments there and i dont find people just like me. i feel nothing like my live is gone that i am a different person now. i keep seing this “love is a choice “ but what if i dont want to choose him? what if im forcing myslef to feel… my list could go on and on