im so confused.

I've been fixating on this memory for so long. its gotten to the point where i have thought of different scenarios and its so overwhelming not knowing whats real and whats made up in my head. i know i shouldnt be trying to figure it out but its too hard, im not diagnosed with ocd so i keep thinking "i might not even have it, so if i figure it out i wont have to suffer anymore" but whenever i think i figure it out it i just go into a spiral and think "but what if thats wrong? what if u ____" its too much. i can't do it anymore its so hard i feel like let everyone i love down. tw?? i dont remember exactly when this memory was but i think it was about 2 years ago, im 16 currently. and i was exposed to this thing i saw this beastiality thing on tiktok where i saw this girl doing something gross with her dog. and im scared that i had the thought to do that with my dog. i do remember having the thought that my dog would try to do that since she'd try to sniff my private part a lot (when on heat. i wasn't the smartest child, i also thought that if dogs sniffed u there it meant they were on heat. that can be the case but obviously not all the time). but since i was always uncomfortable and would cry when she'd be on heat and/or try to sniff or hump me it seemed irrational for me to think that. but the mere thought of me considering that makes me sick, and i dont have clear memory of it, i feel as if i have different versions of it in my head?? the first time i thought of the memory was maybe a day after i was grossed out about this tiktok i saw about this person proudly in a sexual and romantic relationship with an animal. (3 months ago) it made me sick, and then i remembered something that i did which was a little after i saw that beastiality thing, maybe a few days or so. where i checked to see if my dog would go near my private part and sniff since i didnt know if she'd try to go near it or not and i wanted to make sure to be careful around her coz of what i saw. after i checked, i did it abt 3 times. I'd see her, think "what if shes on heat?" and then check to see if she'd try to sniff me so i could know. i obsessed over that for quite a while, i still do sometimes. "what if i made my dog uncomfortable?" "was that weird?" "does what i did make me a gross person?". but i don't really hate myself for that anymore, as i was curious and didn't want to be uncomfortable. afterwards i forgot all abt the beastiality thing and i wasnt so over the edge on my dog being on heat, i did still cry when she'd try to sniff my private though lmao. but now im just obsessing over what my thoughts could've been when being exposed to that beastiality thing. and i know I've always been uncomfortable with my dog going near my private parts so I'd tell my brain "why would i want her to do that when I'd cry from her just trying to sniff?" but then I'd then think "you've always been a horny child, you'd do anything for pleasure" and it just makes me overthink everything. i don't have worries that I'd do anything to an animal, ik i wouldnt. but im worrying that my past self may or may not have had thoughts of wanting to from after what i was exposed to. the thought makes me want to throw up, and i don't know how to fix this. i just need tips if anyone has any?? it'd be greatly appreciated, i just wanna feel okay again

Anonymous

User type: Staff

Date posted: 3y

I feel for you in this moment, OCD can be such a big jerk. In the depths of OCD, it can make you feel so guilty, so sad, so isolated, and so hopeless at times and there is the other side and you can get there, I know from experience that people get better and can live in recovery! I want you to know that there is hope for to recover and to live a life where you don't feel this way. I know it's hard to see it now or believe that it's true, but OCD is very responsive to treatment. Have you checked out some of the free tools we have on the app? Maybe some of our educational webinars? I know we have talked a lot there about guilt, shame, etc., and I think some of that might be helpful. Please know that this is a very common thing in OCD. The more you try to review things, the less clear you actually are. Rumination or reviewing past events is associated with more uncertainty, more doubt, more depression, more anxiety, and less confidence in your memory. It feels so counterintuitive - I know - but this is why you continue to have a hard time feeling less and less sure of things. Try as hard as you can not to answer the questions as it relates to what you did or didn't do - let it be there as hard as that sounds - and try to continue on with your day as much as you can. You truly can get through this- remember you did before!

emma345

Date posted: 20w

Scared to interact with my cat because of zocd

NSFW 17f So basically I did something sexual to the cat when I was younger. It wasn't like full on bestiality, my privates weren't touching the cat and I wasn't touching the cats privates but it was still sexual. I didn't know what I was doing was wrong. It didn't harm the cat in any way, but of course it's still horrible. So I developed real event ocd that ruined my life complitely. Most of the time I don't think I will male it to 20. Sometimes it's a living hell. I developed it more than a year ago and I barely even remember this year cause I was so consumed with guilt it was the only thing in my head. So i also developed zoophilia ocd because of it. And I feel so bad cause I can't interact with my cat anymore. Because she wants to and I have to ignore her. Slowly I started to be scared to let her on my bed. So I stopped. Then in my room. Stopped doing that too. I still tried to give her some attention just outside of my room. Then I got scared to touch her. So I stopped doing that, but I used her brush to pet her with it and her toys to play with her so i don't physically touch her. Then my ocd went like but what if you are subconsciously using her for sexual gratification when you look at her? So now I can't even look at my cat. I look away when she is around, block my sight with a hand, close my eyes or if I can I leave. But the heartbreaking part is. Before I remembered what I did I was giving my cat a lot of attention. Like everyone says I'm her favorite and she only allows me to hold her and pet her the certain ways. So for all that time she is desperately trying to get my attention. She jumps on my rooms door, meows for a long time, tries to sneak in my room and stuff like that. And It's so sad I just have to ignore her. Especially cause she doesn't understands why. She was getting so much love and then randomly she is being ignored?? idk her real age cause we took her from the street, but she lives with us for 13 years, so she is not young. She is pretty healthy so I don't think she is going to die any soon but still. if I never get over it she will spend her last years of life ignored. and this makes me want to cry and want to throw up. but I don't know what to do. if I touch her I start freaking out and convincing myself that I used her somehow for sexual stuff even if I didn't do anything like that. I'm so scared. and also sad for her. and I miss my cat tbh. like everhtime I have to close my door when she tried to enter I feel so bad. but I'm so scared. because after what I did to her I'm already a monster. I don't want to add anything else. but I also feel bad for ignoring her.

emma345

Date posted: 17w

Please help zocd

tw: nsfw 17f I have a real even ocd from a sexual event with an animal (my cat) from where I was younger. Remembering it ruined my life and made it a living hell. It was bad. It's not one of those innocent events people always assume because I have ocd and then they get all surprised when it was actually bad and sexual. (animal wasn't harmed though) So basically I developed I fear of interacting or even looking at animals after I remembered so I was avoiding my cat like crazy, but then I realized that it's cruel to ignore an animal who wants love and attention, so I forced myself to overcome it kinda. I basically downloaded a habit tracker where I mark when I was able to pet my cat cause while it's triggering I want to give my cat love and I'm trying to pet her everyday So yesterday I was petting the cat. And she was extremely enthusiastic about it. Like she was almost throwing herself on me to get more pets like kinda agressive at this point to get pets. I started thinking how animals go in heat in spring. But she is like sterilized so I wasnt sure its possible for her. Like maybe they are just more active in spring? But what if the pets are somehow sexual for the cat? Then I thought maybe I shouldn't pet her then cause that's wrong. But then I thought like who cares and also then it will be like this the whole spring should I just not touch her the whole spring and ignore her again? I was also tired a bit so I wasn't thinking it all through that much Now I'm freaking out so bad. Like I knew there was a possibility that it was sexual for the cat and still continued petting her I didn't stop. It's so bad. Like I thought its whatever since it's not sexual for me but now I'm freaking out. Like the whole me being a better person and learning on my mistakes after that one earlier event was for nothing if I was able to do something like this I'm freaking out so bad

xyzwqr

Date posted: 13w

real event weeird shit

18+ so, i just had this memory pop back into my head after suppressing it and now I’m obsessing over it and cant suppress it, it feels so weird that i dont think i can even tell my therapist. so a few years ago, i was high, and laying in bed and my dog was laying in front of my face back to me and i kissed his back like mimicking making out, and dont get me wrong this is not a zocd concern it was not attraction im not worried that i touched him sexually im just really weirded out by that memory like someone gauge how weird and immoral that is for me and like i was not a kid, i was an adult its freaking me out like??? tf i do not know how i manage to suppress shit like this like i didnt think it was weird when i was high and i think i remember waking up spiraling about it and then decided to shut it down bcs i had what felt like bigger ocd shit fish to fry and it just popped back up and im spiraling

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im so confused.

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