I’ve known I’ve had anxiety for years but until a week ago I’d never even considered that I might have OCD because sadly like most people I fell for the stereotype that it meant you had to lock the door 10 times or wash your hands repeatedly or the world would end. For most of my life I’ve had arguments in my own head for hours on end which now seem to me to be obsessive thoughts and my rational mind trying to argue with them. This can be simple thoughts or things like a friend or colleague potentially hating me. These often lead to severe and crippling anxiety and depression that can leave me unable to move or do the simplest tasks. I’ve been in a relationship for a little over a year and for the first 6 months or so I was having a good patch mentally and I was able to let myself enjoy it. I’m 27 but this is actually my first relationship because I’ve suffered from such low self esteem in the past that I never had the confidence to approach a girl or imagine I had anything to offer anyone. When things started to get more serious and we were talking about meeting her parents and even thinking about moving in together I began to get anxiety. I was constantly obsessing in my head “am I attracted to her?” “Do I love her?” “Why does thinking about another girl excite me so much more than her?” This got worse and worse and I had a huge breakdown and had to be signed off work for a few weeks. Having previously been very reliable and in charge of a team it really may have permanently tainted my standing at work and affected my future as I feel they can no longer trust me. My biggest problem has been that my girlfriend is my best friend and biggest source of support when I’m having a rough time, so when thoughts about the relationship are causing the ‘rough time’ it makes me feel conflicted and unbelievably guilty. One minute I’ll think about leaving her because the thought of other girls is exciting and less ‘serious’ and stressful and then I get severe panic and anxiety because I think about losing someone so important to me and having no support anymore. When I’m having a good day and I’m in the moment I feel attracted to her and happy. However even seeing an attractive girl or thinking about someone I’ve been attracted to in the past is enough to make my mind spiral out of control to the point where I feel almost no attraction to my girlfriend. I am constantly arguing with myself between “you don’t love her enough and should leave her but the fear of being alone and losing your support is making you anxious” and “you do love her but your anxiety and OCD are stopping you from being in the moment and enjoying it”. How could I ever know which is ‘true’? Sorry for such a long post but I really had to get this out to people who may understand.