currently spiraling

i’ve been home bound since I was 18, since about just before the pandemic begun. i’ve taken the last two years to really learn about myself, my body, my conditions and research and practice mindfulness. all this in attempt to get a grasp on life so to ensure that i don’t continue struggling so severely with my mental health well into adulthood. I turned 20 this January and just had a kind of epiphany that I was “ready” to be happy, to start living, and to apply all this knowledge i’ve learned during this (surprisingly enlightening) transitional period. As if I had all the pieces to make the puzzle come together. Since then, I’ve been taking bolder strides in my social and creative ventures ( areas of my life where OCD has wreaked havoc most) and making solid attempts to practice mindfulness and coping strats daily. Which at first, was so rewarding and fulfilling because I was using the concepts and strategies I’ve been expanding on and practicing to overcome *such* a great deal of anxiety that had been plaguing my life. I was getting tasks done and seeing tangible growth, it felt like I was going through a metamorphosis. but omg metamorphosis is so uncomfortable and scary??? the more i progress the worse my OCD is getting??? The strategies and coping mechanisms feel like they are becoming compulsions. meditating has become a compulsion ‼️ self-care has become a compulsion :((( which is so upsetting and deeply distressing. because it feels like there’s nothing that will make it better and the things that are intended to make it better are starting to feel exactly like what i’m trying to get better at, if that makes any sense.