Has anyone ever feared that they will snap or lose control during high anxiety or a panic attack and do something terrible like hurt yourself in order to escape the anxiety ? I don’t want to do that but I’m scared That could Happen , like acting on impulse

This all started from an intrusive thought because I did feel lonely and my thought was “why don’t you hurt yourself because then people would show you they care” and I immediately rejected that because I knew all of the reasons why that was ridiculous. But sadly I gave that thought meaning, ruminated, and the rest is history. And sadly, when I remember what lead to that intrusive thought, it’s like my suicidal ocd will tell me that, because I felt lonely at one point, that that is a reason why I do want to, well, so something bad. But growing up, no matter how lonely I’ve felt, anxious, or depressed at times, I never once considered this or ever thought that this was a good idea because I knew I’d get through whatever was bothering me for one and, I mean again, it’s never something I ever considered and definitely did not ever want to consider, either. But goodness, having ocd about this particular topic is so difficult.

@Recoverer I feel you 100%, it’s like everthing tells you “if you have these thoughts call 911 right away” so I’m like ?????? Do I call 911???? Do I need immediate help if this thought enters my mind ? But mines like fear of acting on an impulse I don’t have a plan never have and never seriously considered it but the thoughts feel real so I’m like omg Am I just gonna say f**k it one day and do something crazy ? Even tho I don’t really want to ? I’m scared I’ll get to the point of not being able to handle anxiety and give up or become suicidal

@Recoverer I’ve gotten better when it first started when I was 19 I would hide knives, flush pills down the toilet, throw away rope or anything I thought I could hurt myself with, and I was always going to the ER telling them I was scared of my thoughts. That was almost 10 years ago, it comes and goes during stressful periods in my life but the theme has always remained the same . I’m just scared of it getting worse. The other day I flushed pills down the toilet again and now I wana throw my knives away. Ugh

@NrseKris I feel you on the losing control thing for sure. And what makes this reallllly terrifying is like, in ERP, you learn to “accept” the thoughts, obviously not the idea but just the fact it’s a thought. But because you’re “accepting” it, your mind quickly jumps to “well know it must mean I want to because any thoughts that I ‘accept’ or ‘like’ related to this topic means I’m in danger because that’s what the health community says” and idk, just for me personally, it’s so hard to come to terms with this obsession. Even crazier? Like, when I’m in potentially dangerous situations, like if I’m driving my car and someone driving in front of me brakes suddenly, I still react instinctively and brake too. If someone in a room with me is sounding hostile or making threats, I leave. And again, in the moment, I react according to instinct. But even after I do that, I’ll still question it saying like, “what if you hadn’t stopped your car? What if you wanted to slam into that other person and hurt yourself?” Or “what if instead of running away from a potentially threatening person, you ran up to them and purposely provoked them so they’d hurt you?” And so on. It’s just ridiculous and unfair.

@Recoverer THISSSS!!! You just explained it perfectly

@Recoverer I think things like that too it’s crazy cus I’ll also get some health anxiety sometimes too like worry about my health which if I wanted to hurt myself why would I care ? It’s annoying . But while driving I always get the thought what if I drive into oncoming traffic and I tense up and grab the steering wheel tighter cus I feel like I’m about to do it , or when I’m stressed at work I think what if I stab myself in the eye with this pen or the scissors , it’s so scary I just want to get over this fear and know forsure that I’m not gonna do anything . If I read my thoughts out loud it’s almost comical but it’s actually so scary

@NrseKris I think you touched on it too, but does your ocd ever latch onto your anxieties too? Like say if you’re depressed or anxious about something unrelated, you’ll have a tgoufgg that says “well, since you’re depressed about this, that means you have intent to harm or end yourself” and what not? I hate that mind does that.

@Recoverer And exactly like you said how the heck am I supposed to accept these thoughts like yup I might stab myself or drive off a cliff oh well?? Just doesn’t feel right lol

@Recoverer Yea that’s why I fear getting depressed or if I think I feel any sadness I panic cus I think wow if I’m depressed that means I’m gonna hurt myself in some way or try to like I won’t be able to stop myself from doing it ?

@NrseKris Right, because if you tell anyone outside of the ocd community that, they’re going to think the worst.

@Recoverer Yea and I’m scared if I do they’ll lock me up in 5150 unit and take my son away from me for being “mentally unstable “ and then I think well what if I am and I need that 😭😵‍💫😵

@NrseKris Yup! Feel all of that. Do you fear being by yourself too? I used to be cool with it.

@Recoverer Yes that’s why I feel a little better at least having my son with me cus I’m too scared to be totally alone but I used to be able to :/ my ocd and anxiety definitely comes in flares over had periods without it where I’m fine

@Recoverer I went thru a stressful last 2 months and that’s when everything came back full force

@Recoverer I’ve had periods of time where I’m fine **

@NrseKris you sound so much like me :( i’ve been in a bad mental place lately and tonight i had to take some tools out of my room i had in there for some room decor i was working on because just looking at them triggered me so much. i’m always so scared i could wake up in the middle of the night and do something subconsciously too :(

Omg. So scary and feels so real in the moment like it’s going to happen .

I also have a fear of becoming depressed and doing the same thing like losing control of my actions I guess ?

@NrseKris It wont happen dont worry. Even in high anxiety states like that you have morals and know better. But yes! Its all just thoughts. Your OCD has found something you’re scared of now. Don’t give it power

@CJzzz Yea it’s so weird and scary like I don’t have a plan or desire to hurt myself but I’m so scared of acting on a random impulse or thought . Even scarier cus I live alone with my son and it scares me that there’s no one here to “stop me” or “protect us “ the brain is a wild thing but I’m determined to get better

@NrseKris I’m in the same boat! I’m so glad I’m not alone