18+ I’m freaking out. Please help!

I really need some sort of help or something because I can’t sleep. My mind is racing like crazy and I keep getting what if thoughts about mistakes I made in the past. I have always known that I never had bad intentions ever when I made the mistakes and it never crossed my mind at the time that I was making a mistake. It’s really hard to explain without going into detail but I can if need be. When I was a teenager I had a very embarrassing and stupid tickling fetish. Don’t ask because I have no idea where it came from but it lasted for years. Obviously not anymore I absolutely hate it and it’s hurt me more than I’d like to admit but anyways I used to look up this fetish on the ifunny app or even YouTube but most of this stems from ifunny which had innocent memes, videos, and what not about so many things but to me I was looking up the fetish, nothing else and nothing specific just the fetish itself. Self pleasing was part of it as well unfortunately which is why this past mistake is soooo much more shameful because I didn’t know at the time until much later but I remember I came across things I shouldn’t have and it was ifunny so it was innocent or people who would have seen these things would of maybe thought they are adorable or cute but to me I wasn’t looking at anything but the fetish itself. It wasn’t anything sexual but unfortunately because of the self pleasing I am so scared to death of the what if’s and no I’m getting intrusive thoughts saying that because I would clear history (because I was ashamed of the fetish at the time because I was embarrassed and didn’t know if the fetish was normal because I was a teenager) and it’s making me think what if I did have bad intentions or is my mind twisting it? I swear on my life it never had anything to do with certain things or people it had to do with the stupid damn fetish I had and it makes me so sad every single day I feel so guilty and ashamed because I didn’t know at the time and I think this maybe lasted until I was 18 or 19 but I don’t remember exactly it could of been a couple years before but anyways I know that no amount of worrying or feeling guilty can change the past and I know for certain I would NEVER make the same mistakes again but I feel like what if I’m a monster? I’ve talked about it with a couple people including my mom and she told me that I’m being way too hard on myself and that I’ve punished myself enough but I don’t believe her. I feel like people should hate me. I feel as though I don’t deserve love or kindness or to even live. It’s so scary to me how I’ve been going through this for years and it’s taken so much from me. I feel like I deserve this pain forever…💔

Rowlet

Date posted: 3y

Hey, hope you’re doing okay today. I know how terrible old memories can be, and how ocd twists them into some terrible monster. But I promise that you’re not a monster. You deserve love, you deserve to heal, and you deserve to be happy. Wishing you the best💕

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

I wish I could believe you and I hope you read everything I said above and still believe that but for some reason I can’t forgive myself for being so stupid back then 😭

Magzzz

Date posted: 3y

I wish someone would please help me. I’m at the end of my rope here 😭

gl0aming

Date posted: 25w

the guilt is all-consuming, advice needed

so, i’ve talked here before about the discord community i used to be in. they were rpg servers, there were adults and minors both in the community, and while there were rules against NSFW, jokes were definitely still made and lines were crossed. i was 19 at the time, and though i’m fairly certain i never made and explicit sexual jokes or remarks, i was still there when others did. my best friend did make suggestive jokes, and i still laughed. i didn’t leave. i feel guilty and tainted and like this is the end of the line for me- i have a following and an online career, and it feels like all of that is going to go up in smoke, because i didn’t realize that being friends with young teens as an 18-19 year old could be weird, or risky. i feel like this is proof of every bad thing that i’ve worried i am. if i could be there, and be okay with all the things that were said and joked about and just ignore them, what else am i capable of? i love my life, and my family. i don’t want them to see me as a monster. my mom thinks i’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but i don’t know if i agree with her. i’ve looked at other cases of people who have been cancelled for being inappropriate around minors online, sending inappropriate photos or making jokes and their entire lives go up in smoke. Is that me? they’re labeled every horrible thing under the sun. did they just not think? I don’t know what i’ll do if people believe that about me. my worst fear feels like it’s coming to life before my eyes after lying dormant and tugging at the back of my mind for almost 4 years. I fought the urge to re-read old chats for that long, but i finally gave in, and while i still haven’t found anything i said or did that could be considered incriminating, i remember new things every time the last worry starts to settle. I tried to log back into old instagram accounts to check old chats there, and remembered i’d already deleted them in a panic, so now i’ll never know, and it feels like the fact that i felt guilty enough to delete the accounts at all is incriminating enough. I don’t think i can ever move past this. i don’t deserve to be here- i’m actually a monster, and i ruined my life before it even started.

str4berrycoo...

Date posted: 18w

how i deal with the "what ifs" (+18)

i feel like i have been posting a lot about this and i will try to stop since now but i just don't know where to start or what to do, and i can't take therapy right now either. my event is about something that did actually happen; i had a boyfriend and we had a 1.5 age difference (i know this sounds stupid) but the thing is that we both started to sext a lot since he was 14 and i was 15. we shared audios videos pictures ect and i don't know how to just let this go, even when i know that i never really forced him into anything and i was always constantly worried about him being comfortable, when to stop and ect. the memories keep coming back to my mind and the guilt is eating me up slowly because i keep thinking that i'm a predator or a groomer or something like that. i don't know how to deal with the what ifs either, lately i haven't stopped thinking what if i sexually harassed or sexually exploited him or something like that. how do i deal with the cycle of guilt and constant what ifs if i also feel like my event is worse than others i've seen? please help me with this. it's getting a lil tiring and even if somedays i know how to deal with this, i still get really triggered sometimes. this wouldn't even bother me before, i wish i could just get back in time before this theme popped into my mind. my life has been a hell since then and i live constantly scared and suicidal.

GuiltyGrapes

Date posted: 14w

Everything sucks

Recently I (16m)feel hopeless I feel so sick and sad idk what to do I feel lost I feel like a monster everything has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on from the never ending guilt . I did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect.(idk if all of this was because when I was 8 I was shown explicit content by my older brother) I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. Idk if I can move on. Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.i wish I could move on like my older brother who seems to not feel guilty maybe this is what I deserve idk I feel like I can’t go on

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18+ I’m freaking out. Please help!

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