Anyone with OCD and dpdr question literally everything?? Like our existence, why our brains work the way they do, skin, etc. (those are just examples) like why does it freak me out? It puts me into a state of panic. I don’t feel like myself at all and feel so dissociated from my family and everyone that loves me. Ugh. I now notice going outside even freaks me out.

I started dealing with OCD when I became fixated on health issues, particularly the fear of contracting a life-threatening disease. If I experienced any kind of medical symptom, no matter how small, that even remotely hinted at something potentially fatal, it would drive me crazy, and I couldn’t stop obsessing over it. Then one day, I started having intrusive thoughts about accidentally hitting someone with my car, and I would end up driving in circles to check if I had. Eventually, I found myself overwhelmed by a flood of new obsessive thoughts and compulsions. One day, while I was at the park, a squirrel came near me, and for some reason, I felt like it attacked me. I Googled it and learned that squirrels could carry rabies, which spiraled me into a deep fear of rabies. I became consumed with the thought I received a bite from a squirrel, raccoon, or bat any time I’m in areas that trigger me. It started off only being inside then transferred to even being in my own home. This made me obsess over every physical sensation in my body, compulsively checking to make sure nothing was wrong. One compulsion that I hated the most would to be putting rubbing alcohol on me to make sure that I had no open wounds. Every day feels like I’m walking around in a fog of anxiety, constantly worrying that I won’t even make it to old age. Sometimes, it gets so overwhelming that I just want it all to end. It stresses me so bad at times to where my brain feels like I’ve been studying all day.

I think when people are saying OCD is egodystonic is really triggering me and I was just wondering if this has happened to anyone else? I’m going through a really bad relapse and right now I’m trying to figure out if my thoughts are truly egodystonic, like I how do I know I won’t act on them, how can I trust my emotions and everything. I feel really confused and I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore or how I carry on with life because it’s so long and I’m so unsure of everything that’s going on in my head. Like how do I know that this is OCD and true desires/urges. I’m so confused.

I used to get caught in a loop with existential thoughts very frequently. Every question made my stomach drop: (TW: existential questions) … … ... "Why does anything exist at all? What will death be like? Is anything even real? Is there any meaning to this? Is the universe infinitely big, and if not, what's beyond it? Are there multiverses? Has the universe been around forever? Will the universe end for good, or will it keep going forever? What is forever like? What even IS reality?" It would get so overwhelming that I remember lying on the floor in a fetal position for hours because I felt like there was no escape. I spent most of my days reading articles and watching videos about theoretical astrophysics and philosophy in a desperate attempt to "figure it all out." Of course that only made me more anxious, raised more questions, and kept me trapped in the cycle. Things started to improve once I learned to turn TOWARD reality, rather than away from it, and ERP really helped me do that. I learned that these questions weren't the problem. I learned that I can actually handle the anxiety that arises when exposed to these ideas and concepts. I don't have to figure anything out to make the anxiety go away; it arises and passes away on its own. Ironically, bringing myself into the present moment and becoming more aware of reality helped me escape the cycle of existential dread. Because of that, this topic no longer takes over my life. If I'm triggered by something I see, hear, or think, I may still feel a little twang of anxiety, but then it just goes away. "Maybe, maybe not" has been the single most useful phrase of my life. Do you ever get trapped in a cycle of existential questions? Are you worried that the ERP approach would be too scary to handle? If so, I'm happy to give my advice.