If any hocd survivors respond under this post it will be very helpful. I have a few questions that are killing me :(

I can't remember when my hocd started but when I was at my gymnastics I always thought that the other girls thought I was gay so I'd prove to them and tell them about my crushes on boys to show them that I was straight. Idek why they would think I was gay I just thought they did for some reason. Then for some reason I couldn't stop looking at their boobs I was like obsessed with them but I wasn't attracted to them it was really weird..I only had these thoughts while I was at gymnastics, but then a couple months later I was at a pool and I had this feeling that felt like heavy and awful that I was gay. I couldn't stop thinking about it for days after it was all I could think about. I looked up "I keep thinking I'm gay and I don't want to be" and saw hocd show up. I was so relieved, but the thoughts just kept coming back so I just kept obsessing about the fact I might be gay. I looked up pictures of pretty girls to see if I was attracted and I felt the best feeling ever when I wasn't. I had one panic attack and started bawling because I thought I was actually turning gay even though I had only ever had crushes on guys before. For hours and hours I would look up "hocd or denial" and would bawl if I had like 1 symptom of denial. All I could think about in school was "what if I'm gay "what if I like her" "oh shit." It was awful. Then things started to get really scary. I started to feel somewhat attracted to girls and I was freaking the hell out. I even kinda had a teeny crush on a guy (which eventually turned into a relationship for about three months but I stopped liking him and so we broke up). But then I got terrified that I had a crush on this one girl and am still scared to hell that I do like her. Every time I see her I get really anxious and I can't stop staring at her, this happened with a couple different girls too but I've gotten over them and knew that I didn't really like them. But this "crush" won't go away and I hateeeee it I honestly wish I never met her or knew who she was. I can't tell if I like her or if it's just hocd it's so confusing. I eventually told my best friend about this and she said she had OCD too so not to worry.. ?yeah right. Then I figured out that bisexuality was a thing I'd never heard of it before but I freaked out . (I'm only 14 so I don't know a ton about that kind of stuff) and started to obsess about that and am still obsessing about it. Recently my hocd will come and go every few days and it makes me so anxious when I don't obsess about it because I'm worried that I've accepted that I'm bi. I just try to avoid girls so I don't have the thoughts. Every day the thoughts seem more and more real and Idek anymore.. I'm sorry this was long but I just wanted to share my story of hocd. If anyone Is willing to share theirs that would be great, hope y'all have a good thanksgiving!

I think it would be awesome if we had some people who overcame certain types of OCD (HOCD, ROCD, POCD, Harm OCD) post on here what they did or how they got through them so others can see that there is hope and what the processes are to overcome these. Even if it’s those amongst our community right now.

Seeing so many post on POCD,HOCD,TOCD and others. Makes me feel so bad and realize how sick ocd can make us. It’s so sad honestly, breaks my heart. I just want this stop and we could just all heal. I’m personally afraid that hocd won’t ever stop. I feel like some days it’ll make me ruminate and other I’ll feel calmer but the question is still here. To awareness of it will still be there. I’ve have hocd for 5 months. Sometimes I truly think I’m lesbian. Others I’m just like “but I can’t be, I have feelings for boys and like doing sexual things with them” but I just keep going back and forth. Trying to look Into certain things I do and why I’m doing them. I’ve never developed feelings for a girl. I feel so guilty and bad to be going through this when I have a boyfriend. I feel like I’m doing him wrong. And it sucks so bad. I enjoy being with him I feel myself happy with him. Yet I still worry about this. Also, is there still anyone here with hocd? I haven’t seen many people on here. I’d like to get some advice or not feel alone I guess. Thank you.