- Date posted
- 3y
18+ Please read if you can help! Please š„ŗš
Iām so triggered please someone help me Iām freaking out! My grandma has the news on and I got so triggered because they were talking about really triggering things to people with POCD about cp and that kind of stuff and Iām so so scared and I will explain whyā¦ When I was a teenager I had a tickling fetish. When I would go on ifunny or whatever I would strictly look up that fetish and thatās it. It was the subject of it I was into. Why I donāt know it was something I got into when I was younger. I didnāt understand it and I didnāt know what would come up or happen. From maybe age 14 to maybe 18 or 19 I would look up the fetish and thatās it. The reason that this makes this much more horrible for me is that self please was involved because it was a fetish. It had absolutely nothing to do with the people in the memes or videos and unfortunately at the time I had no idea what I would come across scrolling and I was so stupid that because it was about the fetish, I did something I shouldnāt have and I had no idea or no clue until many years later I developed OCD and it hasnāt stopped bothering me since. Itās been haunting me for 3 years ever since I figured I had OCD and then eventually got diagnosed with OCD. My main theme is POCD and Iām scared to death of what if what I did makes me a p or what if Iām in a lot of trouble even thought the things I would come across that had to do with that tickling fetish had NOTHING sexual it was all innocent things but because I didnāt know better and the m word was involved, and I had a stupid tickling fetish and the words or reactions of people had to do with it I guess I donāt even know how to explain this but I swear on my life if I would have known, it would of NEVER happened. I was in it for the stupid fetish but because I probably came acrossed it more than once and because of it being about the stupid tickling, Iām absolutely ashamed and I feel like I deserve to give up. Iāve brought this up to my dad before he passed and he said as long as they were wearing clothes and they absolutely were, he said I was going to be ok as long as I would never make the same mistakes again and I promised him that it was just about the fetish, nothing else. I do NOT ever want to become a p. I would rather die than ever let that happen. This has caused so much pain mentally. Iāve talked to my mom about this too and she told me I was being way too hard on myself and that I need to forgive myself and move on and I canāt. I just canāt do it. No matter what anyone says even my therapist, I canāt do it. I feel like I deserve to be punished or something. I would never ever want the āwhat ifāsā to be true. I just donāt think I can do this anymore. If Iām a bad person and the mistakes I made as a teenager make me a horrible person, then I canāt do this anymore. If OCD is blowing it out of proportion and I should listen to my therapist and my own mom, then I will still feel like I could never forgive myself and itās sad because if someone I knew or cared about came up and told me the exact same thing Iāve been though, I would be forgiving and understanding and be nice to them but meā¦I absolutely hate myself and sometimes I feel the bad things that happen to me all the time is what I deserveā¦please if youāve read this far and you can possible give me some sort of resources or something let me know. I donāt necessarily need reassurance. I just want someone to tell me Iām not alone or not a monster